I think I know the answer, but thought I'd ask for MN opinions, please

[PinkCarBlueCar]

Hi all,

The background:

So the ex hasn't had contact with DD since mid June - her choice and actions - turned out she'd exposed DD to DV in her then relationship, and it turned out that had been going on for around a year. She was offered contact centre by court, didn't take it up, and has barely even asked after DD since then.

DD (4.5 years old) made a card and decorated a stone for the ex for Christmas, we duly left it for her before xmas. DD got precisely nothing from her mother for xmas. Oops, not being fair, she sent me a text wishing me and DD a happy xmas. If she'd asked to call her or how she was, then I might have responded. It was also the first contact from her for some months.

She doesn't pay maintenance except the pittance I've so far had via CSA - £20 thus far. Yes, I know it has nothing to do with contact, and yes, I probably wouldn't want maintenace from her given how she earns it.

So between then and today, there's been nothing from her to ask after DD or attempt to begin to have indirect contact.

Then I get this text :
Hi PinkCarBlueCar. Just want to ask you a favour. Looks like I'm going away to again. I'm giving up my flat and I have some furniture there. Washer fridge and bits and pieces. Would you mind me put them in your garage? If I do not collect them you are welcome to sell them and have the money for you and DD. Please let me know ASAP!
(Wording changed)

I realise I sound bitter and resentful, I am really just letting off steam, and I should be mature and just ignore the deadbeat selfish coke whore, but feel free to suggest responses.

My imaginary response is: Fuck the fuck off, how dare you be able to afford to go home to (other side of the world) yet pay nothing for DD, not ask about her or even get her anything for Christmas? I sincerely hope immigration turn you away if you come back, you waste of skin.

My potential actual reponse is: If you bring your things here, I will happily consider them a gift / payment in lieu of maintenance.

I think your first response is probably the better one. It sounds like she just wants to use you as a storage service for her stuff. I would honestly give your first response - what is the point in pretending that her behaviour is anything other than contemptible?

So sorry for you and your daughter.

Do you think she's off for good? Is there any benefit to you in taking the stuff to sell or are you just free storage for useless junk? It doesn't sound like you owe her anything so if it is of no benefit to you, don't agree to it and don't even justify it with a response.

Fanny - I wish she was off for good, but she's got her prized Indefinite Leave to Remain. It'll be interesting to see how things turn out for her on her return wrt housing and benefits, but that's not my problem of course.

corlan - thanks, I really meant the first one as me venting, but yes, she does just want a free place to store stuff. She has no intention of letting me sell it. That said, she already knows I have no problem in getting rid of her stuff - she left stuff when we split up and asked for it years later, by which time it had been donated to someone who needed it.

You know, I think it's her chirpy, "hey, I tried to fuck up both my daughter's lives, your life, and I've fucked mine right up, but we're cool, right? I can ask a favour like I'm your a friend, yeah?" attitude that tips me over the edge.

As tempting as a scathing response is, no response will speak far louder. Damn. Hate having to be mature. Really really want to do scathing. But no response will get to her (for a short while) more than a scathing response will.

Given she's able to do the mental gymnastics she does to cope with what she's made of her life, she really wouldn't be the least bit phased by anything I have to say to her.

Tell her she can store her stuff , then sell it for what you can get.

If she asks for it back you can say all surprised " oh I thought you weren't coming back"

or change your mobile number

Send a text saying 'No thanks'. Then that's the end of it. You really don't need this!

Yes, I get the whole chirpy friendly stuff from my ex too. He'll not see DS for months, no phone calls then out of the blue ask for his stuff back that he left here. He can ignore texts from me to sort out arrangements with DS but when he decides he wants something, it is suddenly urgent. Strange how possessions can become more important than children.

Tempted by Bossybritches's suggestion - tbh that's kinda what I was thinking of doing anyway.

But I musn't. If I say fuckity fuck the fuck off, or even just no thanks, she has a response from me.

If I agree and then dispose of the stuff, that's not morally or ethically good, and more to the point it won't be that simple - there'll be a whole thing about the stuff being put in my garage, and doubtless she'll want me to do all the work, and to put me at her beck and call with it...

I was thinking about this last night, figuring out why I was so angry about it. I think it's the frustration with her - her despicable attitude to DD, her complete negation of her part in any and everything that's happened, her flitting around living her single life with sizeable sums of money going through her hands yet no thought to her daughter.

Yes, I probably wouldn't want money or gifts from her, but her daughter would definitely appreciate some attempt from her to have a relationship...

Just want her to be a positive part of DD's life, but I know that's pretty unlikely.

Fanny - I've had that too, back when she still had contact - I'd be texting to sort out arrangements, she'd answer with whatever she felt like answering, or not at all. She's long been more interested in stuff than children - I heard through a friend that she was boasting of having 20 + genuine Louis Vuitton hand bags. At £300 + each, and even if she didn't buy them all herself, that's a big chunk of money.

No response it is.

Thanks for listening to my ranting

PCBC- yep take the moral high ground & keep her out of your lives. As you say if she had any positive influence/interaction on your DD then you might have to bite your lip & consider it.

Thinking about it if you had ANY contact with her re the "stuff" it would only get your DD's hopes up and then she'd be hurt again.

Not worth the aggro is it really?

Rant away, that's what MN is for and I think the LP section probably more than most!

I'd just say 'no' and move on.

One way or another having her stuff at your place is going to be some sort of hindrance or annoyance for you.

Just say no. If you need to excuse it - the garage leaks/you're storing stuff for a mate from work.

Your second text is great, but tbh you probably need to do what MrGin says instead.

No response, but seriously what a scummy thing to do to your child.

I would ignore it tbh....honestly it amazes me how some people can be

I have ignored it.

I was always going to, in reality (I hope), just wanted a bit of a rant / fantasise about answering it. You know how it is...

Oh yes ....many a reply I've written in my head but never sent , very frustrating but I know I've always done the right thing in the end. Plus I know that no response winds him up more than anything