I think I am a shit parent......

[NuggetsForTeaAgain]

I was widowed last year after a truly horrenous time with dh. I have two children, dd (14 tomorrow) and ds 5. I used to be patient, kind, do stuff but now i cannot be arsed, even though i do do stuff with them and we generally have a good life. I have been through the mill and received counselling for what i have been through. I love my lo's so much but sometimes i want to tell them to fuck off. Really fuck off. That's terrible isn't it? I think I am fucking horrible. I know I am not really. They are happy, well adjusted, well cared for, all their needs are met. I love them to bits but sometimes I want to scream out loud that I deserve a fucking break. I hate that I feel like that. I hate it. But I do

So you are actually a fantastic parent who has been to hell and back and has a few unmet needs of her own and is just about empty from looking after her beautiful and well adjusted bereaved children.

I would say you are a magnificent human being and that there should be a way of getting a break.

I take my hat off to you, you deserve medals and honour.

And the s*it bit is just you being human and not Wonder Woman (well maybe only on the outside?) we are all fallible and needy and no-one has limitless resources or patience...

I am in awe

You sound like a great mum, and like joruth has said, you've been through a lot! You are just being honest and it could probably do with some time for you. A friend of mine and I often want to tell our kids to bugger off (and we haven't been through the same ordeal as you). Parenting is bloody hard work and knackering.

You're right: you deserve a fucking break! Is there any way of you getting one? Sounds like you are doing brilliantly but it is hard, hard work bringing up children alone, and it is unrelenting, and the best of us want to scream fuck off at our children at certain points. I know I do. The main thing is to try not to actually do it, if possible (I have just about managed not to, although I've come quite close, probably have muttered it under my breath more than once though)

Most of us need a break from our kids sometime. Do you have anyone who helps out with yours or who can have them overnight? Even when I was still with my ex, I struggled with my one DS and realised through my counselling that I needed to have time off. Every now and again I need time to myself whether it's to relax and rest or to get things done around the house.

When ex has DS for regular contact my life is certainly easier in that respect. In the meantime, I am lucky to have a friend who helps out occasionally.

1.You are worried -that puts you in top 10% of parents

1. I know of no parents who after kids are age 2 don't wish they had a soundproof screaming cupboard

3.If you didn't care and weren't putting your all into it you wouldn't want to scream

1. Wanting to scream really does mean you are a good parent, you are absorbing all that frustration and care and effort.
2. I think you are brilliant-look after yourself but be assured youare doing well

All I can add is that you are not a shit parent, it is not terrible, and many, many of us have been in that place where you feel that you want DC to fuck off.

I say it under my breath, in my head, but paste a smile on.

Going and standing out the back for a couple of minutes works wonders, as does coming onto MN.

And tears........and then sometimes, it just feels better.

It would be great to get a break - I work and DD is at school, that's when I become a different person and get my break. It is hard and stressful, but for 8 hours a day I am someone else. Makes the fuck off moments with DD less likely.

Doesn't mean we love our DC any less, just we have no-one to bounce the normal everyday frustrations off. Hard, but neccesary.

I know this is a bit rambling, but just wanted to say you're entirely normal and I am sure you will develop ways of dealing with these very common feelings

thankyou all. so reassuring knowing it's not just me. i have had a great day today. dc's have been lovely. I just suppose I feel that i give so much to them and when they act ungrateful or disrespectful it tips me over the edge! i actually did swear directly at ds 5) yesterday, i meant it too. I didn't tell him to fuck off but I said he was so fucking annoying. He was. But I love them so much and just want them to appreciate that I ahve been through a shit time and I kjnow this is irrational, but I want them to think I'm wonderful. That sounds totally shit I know but I do know what I mean. I want them to understand what I have . do you get that.

sorry, last message was a bit garbled, trying to multitask. I guess what I am saying is that I am providing all this lovely stuff for my children but the majority of it goes unnoticed or is taken for granted or un appreciated. Then I wnt to scream that I deserve a life too! dd hates it, absolutely hates it if I go out evenings (extremely rare in any case) yet if she has a friend here or someone to sleep over with she doesn;t give me a second glance. I know this is teenage stuff and pretty normal but on occasion I feel like a bitter and twisted old cow.

A soundproof screaming cupboard? That sounds perfect for certain moments I have been through... They should provide them in public places too!

NO you aren't - the fact you worry you might be demonstrates you can't be - you sound like a lovely person who's having a horrible time.
We all feel like that and you have more reason than I do to .
Is there anyone who can look after your DC for a bit so you can have a break - can you have a day off when the DC are at school and do something just for you ,spend all day in the bath / bed/ go to a spa / read a book/ have lunch with a friend or just something you enjoy.
It is really important to take some time for you and then you will have more time / energy for your DC.
It must be hard to feel you have to be 2 parents to your DC but that doesn't mean you have to lose yourself - looking after yourself helps you look after your DC. I'm sorry for your loss. Please look out for yourself too.
I think you're doing a brilliant job.

You're doing well to have kept it together this far.

It sounds a bit like you might benefit from some more counselling. It's hard when you get no time to yourself, and no one who looks after you and your needs. Do you have any family or close friends nearby who could look after your DC occasionally and /or come round for a glass of wine and a moan in the evenings?

About your DD not liking you going out in the evening: I might be overanalysing here, but it might be that she is worried about being abandoned. If you've been widowed, I assume it's her dad who has passed away? That can't be easy for her. Has she had any kind of counselling? I think it's important to reassure her (by just talking to her/spending time with her as well as her doing counselling) and to keep going out anyway.

You need to recharge your batteries, and if you never go out, you wouldn't be setting a good example for her - she might end up thinking she decides whether you go out or not, and that single mothers can't ever go out, which might later impact on how she sees herself.

It sounds like an incredibly hard situation. Take any support you're offered.

I've been through a bit of this - widowed five years ago, 2 DCs. They did go through a fairly clingy stage and didn't like it when I went out, particularly one or two years on from when DH died. But at the time I was doing a course which meant going out for several hours one evening a week, so I persisted - I was lucky that at the time my mother was well enough to babysit for me, so they had someone familiar.

They have become much less clingy over time, and now are perfectly fine with me going out, and the older one is happy to look after the younger one (13 and 9). I don't go out that much, but I know I can when I want to. Longer periods off are harder - I've only had one or two nights at a time away from the children, and probably only half a dozen times altogether, just because it can be hard to organise childcare - they are still too young to be left by themselves overnight.

I agree that you definitely need a break and some time to do something just for yourself. If you are anything like me, the feeling of being totally responsible for everything, all the time, must be getting to you, so I understand your frustration with them.

Would you trust your DD to look after DS for an evening? I would suggest signing up for some kind of class or regular group - exercise, dance, book group, whatever - or just a regular evening with a friend, and making it part of your normal weekly timetable. And it sounds like you could do with maybe a weekend away - do you have any family they could stay with for a couple of nights?

They may kick up a fuss the first few times, but you do need to make them realise that you need a life as well. That may sound harsh, but in the long run it is not healthy for them to be in control of what you do with your time.

There is a temptation, I find, to think that since my DCs have lost a parent, everything else in life should be made easy for them, and they shouldn't ever be upset etc, but actually acting like that would do them no favours long-term - they would just grow up spoilt and self-centred.

Sound proof screaming cupboard with a punchbag that dispenses chocolate biscuits.

[grin} @ Meglet now that's a good idea!
Funny thing is, this weekend I took ds to see the 'Alvin adn the Chipmunks' movie (barf) and he said (unprompted), that he couldn't wish for a better mummy, and dd has just proclaimed that she has had the best birthday ever! Mind you, I did have to suffer 5500 screaming teenagers at the One Direction concert to earn that plaudit . My ears are still ringing............... I am feeling better today. Maybe it was just all the xmas/birthday organisation that got me so down. Also, ds didn't return to school until today so I felt hemmed in which I hate to admit but there you go.

exepat - I have definitely bent over backwards to make sure the dc's are perfectly well catered for since dh's sudden and traumatic departure from this earth. I also agree that this i snot good for them long term adn I think I am maybe suffering the consequences of my generosity (emotional and financial) especially where dd is concerned. I feel much better yesterday and to day though, so thank you all

i snot?!?! IS NOT

I think the holidays may have a lot to do with it - I find that towards the end of the school holidays, particularly the summer, I am desperate for some time to myself with no children making demands on my brain for a few hours. I expect most parents feel a bit like that, but maybe as completely lone parents it may get to us a bit more. Glad to hear you 're feeling a bit more positive today anyway.

exexpat - thank you. I think you are right.