Dealing with baby dads family?!

[MummySunshine]

Hi all,

I ended up pregnant after sleeping with a guy I was friends with, but wasn't 'with with', and am now 30 wks and our son is due in March. Not an ideal situation, but I was told I wouldn't be able to have children so (after the initial shock) I'm SO happy. DS's father is now back with an ex girlfriend of his, which I'm (now) fine with, and I feel we have begun to make good progress towards an amicable relationship where we both will be able to parent together. My only concern is his family. We're both still quite young, and still live at home. When they found out I was pregnant, after recovering, my parents welcomed DS's father into their lives and did their best to get to know him and make him feel comfortable. I'm 30 weeks now, and none of his family have even asked to meet me. IS THIS WEIRD?

I know that they're very fond of his girlfriend, and were extremely unhappy that he's going to be a father, but surely at some stage (like 25 weeks on..) you let that go if you're going to be a grandparent?! I guess I'm pregnant and hormonal but I'm so anxious about it, and don't wish to have any hostility around my son. Mostly I think I worry that they won't change their attitudes at all, and that my DS will grow up and feel like he wasn't wanted - because they pick up so much don't they??

I'd give it time and don't worry.

Having a supportive XP / Dad around is really important. Emotionally, financially and in terms of your dc's sense of worth. Your XP's parents less so. But I can't imagine when your dc is born they won't want to be in dc's life. If they continue to harbour any bad feelings towards you, well avoid them, you don't have to see them. Just be polite if you ever come across them.

I think they'd be daft if they didn't try and build a decent relationship with you too though.

sorry, realize that it's not technically your XP

wait til baby is born then arrange introductions.

I'm sure once baby is here they will fall in love with it and all will be fine.
Unfortunately for us pregnant women, most people aren't really that bothered until baby is actually born, for us carrying the baby it's already very real and happening now so it can be very worrying when other people aren't as excited as we are.
Have you suggested to your baby's dad that you meet his parents? For all you know they could be suggesting it to him to but for whatever reason (probably fear) he's not making it happen?

Give it time and give them time. They may well become doting grandparents in future - as missduff says, to a lot of people a pregnancy is a baby sort of 'in abstract' - and most people are more likely to love and want to engage with the baby when it actually arrives.
But if they don't, it's their loss.

I don't think it's weird. Perhaps they don't see it necessary to have a formal meeting with you and are happy to let their involvement be lead by their son once the baby is born.

Mummy, i'm going to be honest with you. They may change their minds completely, they may not. My dd doesn't know any of her father's family. No reason for this, they've never met me, i've done nothing to make them dislike us...they simply aren't interested and never will be. It was hard to get my head around for the first few years but saying that, dd doesn't know they exist. She's nearly eight, never asks about them...as far as she is concerned, she has a nanny and grandad (my parents) who love her very much. She doesn't miss what she's never had. She honestly doesn't know that she should/would have two sets of grandparents. They aren't there, so there's no negative emotions for her to pick up on. It really is their loss, it doesn't affect dd one bit.

I'd stop worrying about it if I were you. As long as your child is secure in his relationship with you, your parents and hopefully his dad, that's what matters. I'm in a similar situation to thefroggy except I was with my ex for four years, and I knew his parents well so you'd think they'd give a shit. They don't. Neither my ex nor his parents have anything to do with DS (their choice), so to DS his family is me, my parents and our cat and it doesn't have a detrimental effect on him.

I think you also need to consider that they may not want to get to know you. After all, you weren't actually together with their son, plus he has a gf now and their 'loyalty', if you like, is with her. The gf may also feel a bit insecure or find it hard to deal with the fact that her bf is having a baby with someone else, and they may not want to upset her.

Like the others say, wait until the baby's born then see what happens. If they want to see your child as a newborn they'll most likely have to see you too.

What I'm trying to say is you can never tell how things might turn out. They may just surprise you.

TBH, I would not bother with them, or use any mental energy on thinking about them at all- they may or may not show an interest after the birth, they may start harping on about their 'rights' to contact with a baby they don't and haven't supported, but speculating now will make no difference. In my case, I was in a relationship with my ex when I became pregnant, had met his parents, had talked about having children (he wanted to), etc. He then dumped me and his father (his mother was dead before I became involved with him) did not show any interest at all until very recently when he got a new female partner and they decided it would be fun to play at being loving grandparents. They now, obviously, as most people of their generation, feel a sense of entitlement to see my daughter, though no one (not their son, certainly) gave her a moments thought when I was suffering antenatal depression because of ex's behaviour, when I was struggling to carry bins down the stairs from my flat, moving furniture when 8 months pregnant, when I got norovirus when she was a few weeks old and was literally having to crawl about to take care of her, etc. The world is unjust in this way and I'm not sure there's any solution for it, but thinking about it doesn't help in the slightest. They can choose to be good people or shitty people and you can't do anything about it.

Some families are a bit odd like that. I met my DS grandparents, but the Gran has never met my DS (5) and the Grandfather met DS once when he was six weeks old, came into my house all self important. My family and his are very different, my ex's family are not educated and common. I had my family there but as my DS father had done a runner he was not there so it was not a pleasant meeting for anyone. I am quite glad though, after the hurt from the "rejection" goes I feel happy that family are no infulence on my son. It is probably easier for families who have a bit in common, but how do you explain your son's behaviour?, very difficult for inlaws too.