I split up from my husband after he had an incredibly messy, long, secret affair with a 20 year old young mum. It was an extremely traumatic time as he choose to reveal his new woman to the children before me and then used one as a messenger to tell me about daddys new woman. Lovely!
From day 1 for me, perhaps because my kids were dragged into the ins and outs of the divorce at such a young age then, 4, 8, 10 and 13, my priority was quickly to ensure stability and care for them, the eldest three particuarly were very shaken by the whole thing.
I was chatting to a friend who went through divorce at the same time, but a much simpler one where he and her exDH worked together and remained friends after time. They toss the kids back and forth between them but do so amicably and belived to see little effect on the children.
10 years on now and my kids all have dealt with the events differently, none see their dad because of subsequent events resulting in court restricting contact. They all have had a time where they have been deeply affected by the divorce and their relationship with their father. Two of them have been through counselling, one tried to re-build the relationship with her dad and one refuses to acknowledge he even has a dad and calls him by his first name.
Now they are all in their teens and early twenties with my eldest two they talk honestly about it and say the actual divorce and fact they did not live in a house with a mum and dad was always something they were ashamed of and made them feel different from their friends. I always thought it was the events and their relationship with their dad rather than the lack of typical family unit that affected them.
My 18 year old said even though she knew I had supported and encouraged her older siblings to be open about it she for sometime hid all her feelings through fear of upsetting me.
My friend said her children had said similar things the other night, that the lack of family unit was a huge thing for them, and they hid so much emotion from their mum and find having divorced parents extremely difficult and upsetting.
Me and my friend were saying how despite all the self help books, websites and other things out there, through it all we feel bad for not being more openly encouraging of getting our children to share this with us and for years we were oblivious to the effects of a lack of 'normal' mum/dad family unit on our children.
Is it just us, or do others realise they to some extent, however much thought they were encouraging their kids to talk to them, shut their eyes to what their kids were really feeling and didn't know how to get across to their kids that they could share their sadness with them?