A video about the effects of 'bad' divorce on kids

[MrGin]

Stumbled across this...

link

"SIRE (Foundation for Idealism in Advertising) and 180 Amsterdam have made this campaign to create a new awareness about divorce, and just how harmful the effects of a ?bad? divorce can be for children. Also, how these effects can last for the child?s entire life, shaping their behaviour and experiences in years to come."

hi MrGin, thought provoking for sure.

But what do you do when you are trying to do things "right" and be a responsible adult and parent and the other half of the sketch is so wrapped up in himself and his wants and needs that he does the very things that this ad suggests are so harmful??????

Foolonthehill, just keep being the best parent you can be. That is all you can do. Hopefully it will give DC the strength to deal with the crap from the other side.

A strong message and well delivered.

Fools, You can't control what the other parent says or does but if you keep biting your tongue and genuinely putting the children first then they will be less marked by the bad divorce.

My DD is now an older teen and I can speak from experience. I feel so relieved that she had mostly a positive experience. I wasn't perfect but I did manage to balance the situation. There is something very damaging to DCs if a parent is denigrated by another parent - it seems to cause such divided loyalties and damages a child's self esteem.

What a pile of bollocks!!! I've my ex was the kind of decent person who didn't emotional abuse those around him, he wouldn't be an ex in the first place...

A video really isn't going to change things

Smum: I'm glad you feel positively about your parenting experience. As far as I can see it's mostly hoping that DC aren't inquisitive and bright enough to see it unintentionally (why then is he an ex?)or question why if daddy's such a good man you left

there is divorce due to bickering adults, affairs etc; there is divorce due to domestic violence, horrendous issues - you simply cannot lump them all together.

it is good mesage yes - minimise the impact - but there are as many different divorces as there are couples divorcing.

minimise the trauma for DC in face of DV. severe MH/alcoholism issues, etcetc
but sometimes it is a fact that one partner cant see/wont see the dc etc. and it isnt said out of malice... truth hurts but you can support dc thru it.

I think what that ad purports to be a "good" divorce can be just as damaging in the long run actually.

If a boyfriend treated my girls as badly/inconsistently as their father did and does, then the socially acceptable thing to do would be to cut his balls off and dump him in the Thames. But because the man involved is their father instead, apparently we're all supposed to sit by the front door with our best dresses and smiles on, waiting ;for him to waltz in and out as he chooses (!) AND this is supposed to be good for their self-esteem (!)

What the fuck indeed.

How can you isolate the effects of a "bad" divorce from the sometimes very horrible people involved in a divorce?

the problem is that the courts get taken in by the one size fits all mentality...contact with both parents is good for the children and unless they have broken bones and bruises that is that...you have to hand your DCs over and then spend forever trying to put them back together after contact, until they are old enough to decide for themselves. Add in a partner who wants to use the DCs as a way of punishing the other parent and they're in for a fine old time, and you can't protect them.

I am the product of an acrimonious divorce and am now living with my DP who has two children from a previous marriage.

I watched this video and it struck a chord. My dad is/was not a good husband (he is not a particularly nice person) but he was (strange as it seems) a good dad while my parents were still together.

When my parents divorced my mother stopped us from seeing him and would say horrible things about him (which were probably true). Each time I heard her say those things my feelings were hurt because as a child I thought 'well I am half of my dad so maybe she thinks those things about me too'. As a result, I am not a particularly well adjusted adult. My Mum really did think she was doing the best for us and in most ways she did. However, she didn't hide her anger at my dad from us and that has left me and my siblings with life-long scars (probably greater than the damage left by my dad 'rejecting' us).

This is not in anyway meant to be an attack on any of the previous posters, I am just sharing my experience and feelings about that clip.

In the middle of a very acrimonious divorce, physical and psychological abuse he worked away most of my 5 1/2 year old daughters life and rarley took part in family activites but the court has gven him 40% residency both my daughter and I are struggling to cope with this. anyone got any advice???

I think you need a new thread....one of your own or you may find yourself buried .

So sorry for you Lizzy. Do you think he will actually do 40% or was it all to get back at you? My friend has her DP's daughter 90% but courts had given the mother 60%...so it may work out for you.

legal may have some better answers

oh there is no doupt that he is doing it to hurt me but he has always said if i left he would make sure he gets my daughter. the good thing is i know that he will not get any more! as he is mega into fathers for justice and think the court are starting to realise what he is actually like.
everyone i speak too seem to think he will get board or if i meet someone else he may not be too keen to have 40%.

you are right need to try and get something going on in my spare time!!

Lizzy...hope that once he's done his battle he'll breeze off into the distance and let you get on with life.

Thoughts are with you, and DD.

Daddy isn't necessarily "bad" else why is he an ex. Maybe he wasn't right for you but us still a good father.
I don't think this is aimed at those where dad is violent, neglectful etc, it's aimed at the majority where parents are both normal people with positives and negatives about them and they easily fall in to the trap of point scoring and dragging the children in to it. It's a welcome reminder of how damaging that can be IMO and how to put the kids first.

Yes the video is good in that where there is no violence/abuse children have the right to a relationship with both parents, irrespective of the ability of the parents to get along together.

however I have a problem where my husband was/is directly abusive to my children, and Lizzy has a daughter who has not thus far been cared for by her father who has also been abusive to her main carer. For us these evidently good videos do pose a problem as we have to fight continually to have our voice heard to say "one size does not fit all" and all relationships need to be considered in the own right and for the good of the particular children.

Partners of abusive people are often targeted and gradually drawn into an abusive relationship and become "powerless". hard to imagine for people who have not been in this position but they can be extremely effective manipulators.

Ex's may not be bad, but they also may be extremely bad people...they do exist and we don't always spot them before building a life with them