Father rights

[AMummyFromNotts]

Hi,
If you don't mind could you read this brief case and tell me your opinions on the matter
Thanks

During my pregnancy my ex partner was verbally abusive and kept making threats about court actions. I decided to leave him and had limited contact for the duration of my pregnancy. For my unborn child sake i invited him to the birth and at the time thought it may change our realtionship for the best.

I had a emergancy c-section and one weekend refused to go to my ex Partner parents house he then got very abusive.His mum suggested that he should bring the baby up himself if i cannot make it.So he demanded that i let him take the 12 day old baby himself which i obviously disagreed on ,ever since that day he has been making threats about taking court action the following week i decided to not enter him on the birth cert as during the argument he said he was going to try and get full custordy and all sort of horrible threats.
He went to a solicitor and arrange an agreement that he would have the child 3 days a week which i decline and also pr.
He paid exactly 2 weeks worth of child maintenance which was alot less then he should of been paying and during the duration of paying he made continuous threats to withdrawn payment if i didn't accept the agreement or wouldn't let him take the child out on his own .
I offered him access however he declined, first he said because he doesn't want me present then the following week he would only visit if he could go back to mine etc which i refused obviously as i don't want him knowing where i live .
Everytime i tried to make an arrangment it seem there was always an excuse in place. At this point i got sick of playing reasonsible and changed all my contact details so he couldn't no longer contact me.As i believe he was just trying set me up to say something out of anger to use against me in the courts
He hasn't made any effort to see his child, although he does know where my parents live he hasn't sent any presents or money for the child.

On one occasion he came to my parents house to drop off a cot, which i left at his house during the pregnancy.During one of his abusive text, he told me how this cot was actually at his parents house ready for overnight stays and refused i could have it .
Anyway weeks later he drop off the cot and i answer the door with my daughter in my arms, i was really shocked at the time and was speechless as i wasn't expecting him. Anyways he never ask after the child or took any interest in her he just walk off .

Other general information
Him and his mother was calling me a bad mum because my baby suffered from colic .
He suffered domestic abuse when he was younger his dad attended anger managment classes
His mother told me stories about biting children at bday parties which obviously was one of the very reasons ,i don't trust my child being around him or his family
They had an injuction out for threatening behaviour .

My close friends have agreed on giving me statements about his character all most of which are professional.

Based on the information given could anyone please tell me where i stand ?if taken to court

Sounds like there is no reason that a court wouldn't allow unsupervised visits. Are you breast feeding as obviously that would limit the length of contact. The main view is that it is a child's right to know both sides of their family & courts try to ensure this,

The law doesn't define a mum's or dad's right but the child's right to see both parents. It would be best you you could agree contact jointly or use mediation however if it went to court it's likely that he would be granted access that might start of slowly and then increase to overnights.

The hardest thing we have to do when we're a parent is to get on with an ex however it really is in the child's best interests if they 2 loving and supportive parents.
It seems as if you would prefer if the dad would just disappear from the baby's life..I understand if you feel angry with him however you have to put your feelings aside and focus on what is best for the child's future. He doesn't need to be a partner but a good dad. It seems that all the emotions that you both have are clouding the issues and someone needs to step back and calmly work out a way forward.

Contact and financial support are not linked. He should provide for the baby but for now keep both issues separate.
I think you should arange to sit down with him and calmly work out how you are going to jointly parent this child. You will have to accept that he has as much right as you to be involved in the child..He is the father and it seems like he wants to be involved.

I know as a new mum you are no doubt exhausted but finding a way to have a calm conversation with him is most likely the first the first step.It might also be useful to read up on how to parent whilst separated - this is a good book.
Putting Children First: A Handbook for Separated Parents

Good Luck - it is never easy to parent when separated and being a first time mum makes it more tough as you feel so protective however as a single mum with a teen I know that joint parenting can actually be best for a child so it's worth putting the effort in at the start.

there seems to be no reason for supervised contact. I know that probably isn't what you want to hear but my ex was/is abusive to me and the judge granted him unsupervised contact as the abuse was towards me, not dd. Even after months of no involvement my dd has 'right' to see him. He has dd 6 hours a week and no overnight as that is what he wanted. Contact the csa who will calculate the maintenance your ex should pay. Oh and me and the ex rarely communicate face to face but through email to avoid any nasty arguments. Also I write in a notebook what dd does through the week and he does the same for his contact time to keep each other updated. This has taken over 2 years to get to but it works as we dont argue and it minimises the time he can threaten me etc!dd is 2.7 now by the way!

He and his family sound bloody awful .

What was the injunction for? Against you or a neighbour / friend?

He has responsibilities as a parent, not rights.
If he thought you were a danger to your baby he would have been in touch with court and/or social services by now. So ignore his threats, because that is all they are. An attempt to scare and bully you into getting what he wants.

You are both very angry by the sounds of it. And that is probably justified to you both. At the end of the day being a parent is hard work and takes effort and commitment. If he is not serious about it then he won't last the course. If he is serious about it, and goes to court over it, then the court will enforce your child's rights to have a relationship with both parents assuming it is in their best interests that this happens. Usually it is in their best interest and unless you can show neglect, abuse or that he poses an immediate danger to your child then the court will award some kind of contact. Statements from your friends etc won't count for too much I'm afraid.

He can ask the court to have his name entered on the birth certificate and this will give him PR. Court will usually order this unless there are significant reasons that he should not have PR (parental responibility). So unless you want to fight an uphill battle here and come across as the unreasonable one it might be more sensible to give in on this and save your energy for bigger battles ahead that you are more likely to win.

What kind of contact are you willing to agree too? He has never been around a baby before and so he will likely have no clue about how often they feed, sleep and what to expect. Suggest he attend a parenting course to help him show his commitment. And ask him to start making maintenance payments to fulfill his financial responsibility to his child. Set everything out clearly and un-emotinally in a letter to him and suggest some contact or a contact centre he can apply too and suggest mediation as a way forward to resolve the issues between you.

If he won't agree to this try and get it in writing. Put your proposal in writing too and keep a copy. Then if he takes it to court you can show you tried to be reasonable.

It would be better if you could agree this between you as court can come up with all kinds of different orders and you may get stuck with something you're not happy with. Small steps and contact of an hour a couple of times a week, with supervision would be a good starting place for you both. If he can't agree to that then wait for him to take it to court. Because that is what they are likely to agree too as a starting point anyhow. AGree that comtact will build up over time as it becomes appropriate for baby as her needs and wellbeing are paramount.

If he wants overnights or prolonged contact at this age tell him he needs to learn about the needs of a baby and to put his child's welfare before his own demands and wants. Suggest he get the birth to five matters book to help him. Like most parents this is likely a very steep learning curve for him. He sounds pretty clueless as well as angry right now. For your baby's sake, and your sanity, try and see if you can resolve things between you, with mediation, rather than court. Court is rarely a good option for everyone involved, but when there is no way to resolve things between the parties it may be the only way to get some contact for the NRP. So try and agree to some contact on your terms, ratehr than having it inflicted upon you which may not suit you or your baby.

Big hugs and stay strong for your beautiful baby. It won't be an easy journey ahead so save your fight for when you really need it. She needs you to fight for her rights and to keep her safe. One of her rights is to have a relationship with both her parents. So try and step back from your anger and hurt and find ways to do this while keeping your baby safe. Mediation and a contact centre may be where you should be starting this.

I agree with gilly, lots of useful advice x

I was in a similar situation with my ex, he has a criminal record for violent offenses, was involved in drugs in the past etc but the day came where I had to put all my feelings and anger aside and judge him on how he had been with DS.
He went about 6 months without seeing him because I refused to make the 50 mile round trip to take DS to see him, and then another 50 miles to pick him up again.
Eventually we came to an arrangement, he sticks to it, DS sees daddy every week, he loves going so obviously he's good with him, we have hardly any contact when we swap him over, altho recently things have started to get more friendly.
I've given up chasing money off him, I won't bore you with all the details but I've learnt that it just makes me mad so it's easier to just accept that I only get £5pw off him, my son has a daddy n I get 1 day a week off, we're all happy.
I really have no idea where u would stand if it went to court, other than that he would have rights to see him, I would expect that they would probably suggest 1 day per week to begin with, possibly increasing to 1 night a week in the future.
Yes your ex does sound like a bit of a prick but u do need to separate how he has been with you and how he has been with your baby, just because he's been a crap partner doesn't necessarily mean he'll be a crap dad.

I spoke to someone who trained in this area they told me i have a good enough reason for not putting him on the birth certificate .
Also i offered him contact however he refuses it unless he can take the child out on his own ?i explained to him obviously not atm due to her age ,As far as i concern access is better then no access at all and as a father if he desperate to see his kid he would be trying every method possible it not like i exactly made things hard for him at all. Atm i am sort of speaking to him and he hasn't once ask how the child is or could he see her :S i just waiting for him to pop the question.

It not like i exactly told him he couldn't see his kid it just under my supervision.On a number of occasions i offered him access and it just ends up with abusive texts or threats
she still very young and i don't agree with this until she alot older or until she able to talk atleast.
If she happened to be under his care he probably wouldn't direct any harm to her himself, but people who he would take my child around possible would.And thats the problem i am having .

There more in this story than i actually wrote and things have been said during my preganacy such as dicussing courts actions against me before the child was born so obviously i think he thinks taking it to court it like some kind of joke etc.

I know he is entitled or has a right to have a realtionship with his child and that not something i am preventing him from doing.
Tbh he isn;t fighting for this child for himself he doing it to enable his mum and dad to have it . If he wanted the child for himself he was just accept access with me supervising until she old enough because i would as a father