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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Late for contact visits

12 replies

amitooangry · 31/12/2011 09:50

So how do I deal with my feelings about exH being late for pickup and drop-off for contact visits. He does it all the time because he knows it winds me up - and it was his classic move of emotional abuse during our marriage.

I look forward to an hour or so of peace without DS while he is with his dad, but instead I end up in tears for the whole evening.

I know I can't change his behaviour, so what can I do to make it matter less to me?

OP posts:

Purpleroses · 31/12/2011 10:06

If he is doing it because he knows it upsets you (rather than just because he's untogether, etc) then best thing by far would be to try and pretend you're just not that bothered (hard, I know). Could you try and look like you're happily enjoying whatever you're doing, and it doesn't really matter when DS gets picked up, or gets dropped back? You need to make ex see that your social life and happiness is not dependent on when he has DS, then he loses power over it.

My ex is often late (though just untogether, not spiteful) I often start tidying my house when DCs are due back, then if they are late, at least I have a nice tidy house :)

But some practical suggestions too:

drop DS off at his instead
arrange pick ups and drop offs via school
don't tell DS when his dad is coming or be vague about the time - so at lesat it's only you getting stressed, not DS too.
If there's a time when it's really important to you (eg you're going out and need to have DS picked up), arrange to have him picked up via a friend or neighbour instead, or if not possible, don't let ex know that you need to go out, just try and set a time for pick up that is several hours earlier.
ask your ex to text you when he's setting off, so you know when he'll get there (may work if he's just disorganised, possibly not if, as you say, he's doing it in order to upset you)
Get DS a phone (if he's old enough) so that he can let you know when he's on his way back home.

Original poster

amitooangry · 31/12/2011 22:04

Thanks for the hints - I will try to arrange dropping DS off at his (although he is very cagey about where he is living).

He does currently pick up from CM (DS is nearly 3), but this isn't working v well as CM is nervous he won't show up so texting me regularly with updates, in case I still need to pick up. Plus CM has DS ready with his coat on at the arranged time, so he knows when his dad is late = everyone is stressed.

Plus we have noticed a pattern that the next morning DS is very reluctant/full scale tantrum being dropped off at CM - so I want to come up with another solution.

As ExH only has DS for a couple of hours, when he has already done a full day at CM, he is tired and tetchy. I want to arrange so he has him a full-ish day at the weekends, but ExH is only off one weekend in 3 - do you think this would be enough contact?

OP posts:

thepeoplesprincess · 31/12/2011 22:31

Would it help to go to a restaurant or family members house or whatever else fun and arrange for him to pick-up from there to give him a very clear sign that you're not all just sat there pacing by the front door for whenever he deigns to turn up?

Original poster

amitooangry · 31/12/2011 22:44

We could do this but it will limit to only weekends when he is off (1 in 3) as I will be working full time from Jan. At the moment he can pick up from the CM during the week, but it seems he only want to have DS for a couple of hours, not the whole day or overnight.

OP posts:

FalsaMagra · 01/01/2012 11:49

Ok.

This is what worked for my very irresponsible exH:

Pick ups/drop offs at a public place. I didn't tell DS we were going to see his dad, we did just go and sit at the pre arranged place (fixed) for the pre arranged half an hour (fixed) and if he didn't show within the that time, we will go on with our day.

This was put in a court order after I lost my job through getting late or having to leave earlier because he didn't show on time, or at all, for the previously agreed contact.

Original poster

amitooangry · 01/01/2012 19:16

Thanks - I will suggest public place pick-up for the weekends visits when I will be doing handover. Sorry to be daft but I'm new at this - do you go to supermarket cafe or something?

He is clever sneaky though and will always text with an excuse just before the time or deadline, so it seems like I am not giving him a fair chance. I think 30mins is fair, though right?

Also when he collects from the CM - should I also say to her if he is 30mins late, the visit is off and I will collect DS usual time? Or is this unfair to her? I really would prefer if she wasn't put in this situation.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 01/01/2012 19:20

Hmmmm tough one.

With your CM I would tell your ex that he needs to pick him up at x time. Make it half an hour ealier than the time you pay for.

Ask your CM to not have ds ready to go with coat on etc and not to text you until 10 minutes before the deadline - or how ever long it takes for you to get there.

When he collects from you, leave your phone turned off. Tell him no show no contact his choice.

Original poster

amitooangry · 01/01/2012 20:13

Those are good suggestions. With the CM, contact is so irregular I will continue to pay her full time hours anyway i.e. if he collects at 3 once every 10days, it won't make much of a difference. Due to his weird shift pattern, it won't be a fixed day.

If he doesn't turn up, I will have to collect at 6 as usual - so I would rather pay her for the full time.

Good idea about turning off the phone, I think I am still "accessible" and reply to his messages too quickly etc. I felt more in control when it was being done by email and was less immediate IFYSWIM.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 01/01/2012 20:18

yes continue paying her. Tell her to not get your ds ready for collection and not to amend her plans, if he is more than x minutes late tough - your ds will be non the wiser!

FannyBazaar · 01/01/2012 20:59

Could you arrange for the pick up from CM to be sorted out by your ex contacting CM to say what time he is coming? Either he can contact CM when he has agreed a day with you or he agrees a day with you, you tell CM and he contacts CM when he is on his way.

Does CM have ex's contact details? If she is nervous about him not showing up, she could be contacting him. It is better that you are not left wondering if the handover is going to happen as I know that can be incredibly stressful.

solidgoldbrass · 01/01/2012 21:02

Do keep a diary and save any texts or emails he sends. Because once you have got a structure in place tha minimizes any inconvenience he can cause by means of late pick-ups, as his motiviation is to upset and annoy you, he will move on to something else, which may be threats of legal action for more contact/custody, so it's always good to have evidence of dickish behaviour that you can use if necessary.

FalsaMagra · 01/01/2012 22:04

Don't let him arrange contact with the CM directly, is totally unfair on the CM. If she is a good CM, you would want to keep her, and the best way not to irritate her is to keep her out of the arranging contact.

Tell her when he might pick up but it is also important that she knows she shouldn't release the child to your ex unless you have notified her before hand. (TBH varying contact when one of the parents can be trusted is a recipe for disaster)

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