Disappointed- not how i planned it to be...

[paulwellerfan]

Hi- not been on here for ages but decided that i really need some support and guess you guys would understand how i am feeling more than anyone else.

I split with ex almost a year ago so this was our first Christmas with him not her- although it was my choice as he is a very difficult man- and he came around Christmas day for a few hours- but, as i cant stand the sight of him i kept out of the way. I so wanted this Christmas to be perfect for the children as the past few years have been very stressful for us all as our marriage was very volatile.

But i am so exhausted with doing everything and not having any family around me and all of my friends have been busy with their families that i havent really enjoyed it. Add to that my ds- 8 is very hard work- he has autistic traits and adhd and him and my dd- 10 fight and bicker an awful lot- i have been feeling very impatient, like i am going to blow a gasket and not joyous at all!!

All the dreams i had for it being lovely have not come to fruition- infact i have not stopped- been so busy cooking, clearing away and generally trying to keep on top of the basics that i have hardly sat down and spent quality time with the children.

I feel like i have let the kids down and let myself down- now they have gone away with their dad for 3 nights to see some of his family- they are staying in a hotel and will have a lovely- but he hasnt had any of the organising of Christmas- he has not looked after them while they were ill in the week leading up to Christmas, he hasnt even had to pack for them to take them away- he just gets the good bits and i am left here feeling like the worse mother in the world- i am so lonely and feel so low i dont know where to start.

I feel as if no one cares that we have been on our own and that it has been totally down to me to ensure that the kids have a nice Christmas- even when he came around on Christmas day it felt as if he had ruined it for me- as the time when i would have been sat down with the children after lunch was tidied away- to play with tham and snuggle up ont he settee- he was here enjoying that time with them and i had to go upstairs to keep out of his way.

Sorry- i know that i sound like a right, moan bag- but i am struggling- i am 44- i live away from family- i really need some single parent friends as i am so lonely and i really need some advice on how to pull myself out of this low point. I so wanted everything to be lovely for my children but i feel as if i have spent the whole time telling them off and they have seen me struggling trying to do everything and seen me sad and very tired.

I am hoping someone can offer me some advice, reassurance and support- thank you for reading my long post!!

Sorry you had such a hard time.

Keeping on top of the basics and not getting time to sit down - STOP. Fuck the basics, they aren't going anywhere! I ignored them and they were still there a couple of days later (unfortunately). When your kids get back have a day of play. Either stay home or go out, and enjoy some quality time with them.
Go lazy for a few days, pre prepared food, tin roasting trays (then bin em), paper plates for snacks and small meals (then bin em). Be kind to yourself and don't make things any harder than they have to be.

Ex visiting xmas day - if you are so uncomfortable having him in your house then review your xmas contact arrangements. Consider alternating who has them xmas day (they get 2 xmases), or he picks them up xmas day tea time, brings em back boxing day. Obv depends on your circumstances but find something that suits, that is arranged, and that means you both get time with them without the other parent there.

I struggled one year feeling cut off and on my own, I find people think you are coping fine and don't think to pop in. make plans with people. Ask if they fancy meeting for a walk or at the cinema or something, make plans with a couple of people to get together.

I think everyone struggles with the pressure of providing a perfect xmas and really everyone is the same, the IL's drive you mad, you argue and fight, there is resentment and things shockingly arent like the perfect family xmases in the ads on TV. Accept it, I have.

Don't really have any advice, I think you are very strong to even let him in! Maybe when they get back, forget the cleaning up and routine things as much as you can bear, and just do a bunch of fun stuff with them? in the meantime, do some stuff that makes you feel good, Maybe some of your friends might appreciate a visit, or go do some thngs that you can't do when the kids a around?
< hug >

yep fuck the basics. oh and there's no law that says you have to roast a turkey and do x, y and z on christmas day. you can create a tradition/traditions of your own choice that work for you and your kids.

and don't invite him round next year - that was daft wasn't it? said gently as i'm sure it was with wonderful intentions but as if you want him in your house on christmas day?

do it YOUR way. have chocolate from stockings for breakfast, open presents together and play - eat whatever you and your kids like and is easy to prepare - play/watch/do what pleases you all. go for a christmas walk. watch a christmas movie - whatever works for you find it and go with it and don't give a flying fuck whether it looks like how your parents did it or how so and so does it.

reclaim it for you and yours.

Where Abouts are you, PaulWeller?

excuse all the bad language! x

You lots have cheered me up already!! Thanks- you advising me to drop my high standards- and i so know that is what i need to do- BUT it is the one thing that i struggle with - dont know what i fear- maybe that if i dont do things no one else there to do them and i worry that things will get out of control. But please keep on telling me that is what i need to do as maybe one day it will go into my brain and i will start to chill about those things more!!

Please dont worry about the bad language- i love it!!! The sentiment behind it is much more important- i dont swear in front of the kids but when i am stressed or feeling wound up about something my language is dreadful!! But it always makes me feel much better!!

I live just outside Wolverhampton- would love to start of single parents group- as would love to meet up and make friends with people who really understand and appreciate what i am feeling.

Thanks everyone for your responses so far- it has really helped.xx

My standards went through the roof to new impossible standards when I split from ex, mostly to prove to myself that I could manage, they've gradually relaxed and I'm now somewhere between being proud of having a nice tidy house to other days when I'm proud me and DS have had fun baking/play-doh-ing/ doing lego and the house looks a tip. My priority is a happy home rather than a clean home.

Just do a little each day, rather than feeling you have to 'get it all done'.

I feel I must point out I do not swear out loud in RL, only in written form. I have a parrot like DS and work with children too so being in the habit of swearing out loud wouldn't be wise!

It's hard at times on your own, I definitely find talking to others in the same boat really helps. Have you looked on gingerbread to see if they have any local groups to you? None near me sadly

Thanks- i also must make that point- a good old swear every now and then makes you feel so much better- boredandrestless- dont need to explain- i totally get it!! I dont think that my kids have ever heard me swear- in fact recently i said something that sounded like s**t- and i thought my dd (10) had heard me and so i giggled just is case she thought i had actually said it- but she didnt know what i meant- it was not a word that she knew!!! She asked me what i was laughing at and i told her that i had said a word that sounded like a naughty word- and she didnt get it at all- bless her- i was so pleased that it wasnt a word that she had heard in the playground and and the age of 10 i have never heard her say anything even remotely like a swear word. However, when i am with my girlfriends and i am wound up or getting on my soap box my language often leaves something to be desired!!

Thanks also for your advice about the home- i try to do too much and often end up achieving nothing!! Both my kids end up missing out on quality time with me and i end up feeling guilty- no win situation.

My new years resolution is to spend more quality time together and to do the jobs another time= win-win situation.

Regards a local Gingerbread group- dont think we have one- tempting to start one up but not sure if i have the energy for that at the moment!!

I have actually had quite a nice day- went out with a few friends- it made me feel like a woman and not just a mum and gave me a real boost- missing the kids but going to have a nice bubble bath this evening and read and watch tele- that i want to watch!

Thanks so much for helping me today. Please keep posting.