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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Why so much aggression when i want to split amicably?

11 replies

fireflymouse · 26/12/2011 22:29

I have had a feeling for some time me and my partner dont have the same feelings for each other as we used to but are just putting up for the sake of the children, its getting to the point now where its making me really miserable. Things came to a head earlier and I suggested a break, it wouldn't be hard to do as we have our own houses stil. Its taken a long time for me to reach this decision as I was a lone parent for a long time before and v lonely. The trouble is even though I tried to do it amicably he has gone quite nasty and aggressive back about when he wants to see kids, I've tried to reassure him that nothing changes there and he wont lose out on contact, he said something in a text about that being all he's concerned about which confirmed for me that i was right and that was the only reason he was staying, which was a relief in a way to know i wasn't imagining it. I did ask if we could be civil about it and he said no then followed swearing and threats on the phone, I made it clear that if he was going to play nasty then so would I and he would be the one to miss out that way....I wanted it AMICABLY. Now things calmed down a bit and we have agreed to talk things through which will probably end up with us giving things another go but has he actualy bullied me into that decision here by making the split seem harder than it needs to be? is his a normal reaction?

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 26/12/2011 22:34

Sadly, yes, normal...but not acceptable.

Well done you for keeping it together and maintaining the moral high ground.

But if he gets nasty again is there a way you can get a friend to be in the house or do the negotiations in a cafe or by email?? Don't take him back because it's easier...it just shows him that bullying works and makes him try harder next time (think toddler). if you meant what you said then IMO you should stick by it unless you are both prepared to do something to MAKE a positive change in your relationship...not just drift along until the next crisis.

Earlybird · 26/12/2011 22:35

You initiated the split, and he is hurt/upset. For many, being upset manifests in nasty behaviour.

Have you both been actively working to resolve your issues and get things back on track, or would this have been a bolt out of the blue for him?

Original poster

fireflymouse · 27/12/2011 07:11

Thankyou fool that makes lots of sense and yes earlybird we had been aware for some time there were issues and we'd kind of been trying to work them out but been hitting a brick wall and he did say he was shocked I wanted a split now when before christmas we were trying to find a way to make it work... I think the pressure of trying to hold it together so as not to ruin christmas was too much really and it all came out yesterday. The trouble is he never seems to see it coming though, I am genuinely starting to feel depressed by the loveless situation between us and he thinks everything is honky dory?? Mind you when he was being a prick to me yesterday and demanding he take dc today I was starting to think I wouldn't be able to do it, I dont let him take our baby on his own much at the best of times so with the bad feeling it would have been even worse and he knows that and would know I would find it hard but obviously I know i'd have to.....grrr its so hard I dont know how you lot do it, I always said I was lucky the first time around my DS's father was such a twat we literaly have nothing to do with him whatsoever and are much happier for that. Situation is different now tho in that he is a good Dad so there will always be that relationship....and maybe we can work our own relationship out....

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 27/12/2011 13:14

Put yourself in his shoes - splitting up DOES mean less contact with his baby. I think you are being a bit selfish in this, expecting him to be amicable when as someone else suggests it's a bolt out the blue. Why shouldn't he take his baby out alone, you do?

cestlavielife · 27/12/2011 13:54

I don't get it
If he is good dad why won't you let him take the baby out ?
Are you happy for 50/50 shared residence with the kids ? If not why not ?
That way he won't miss put you would be equal

cestlavielife · 27/12/2011 13:56

Miss out I mean .

Tho it does not justify him getting aggressive about it.

Keep not being nasty you tho no need to stoop to his level

Original poster

fireflymouse · 27/12/2011 16:43

I get anxious and worried if LO is not with me that something bad might happen and I wont be able to do anything, stupid and my fault I know and I will try and work on that....it wasn't completely out the blue we have had alot of problems for some time and say we will work on them but nothing happens. I think we might just need to try harder and yes I will try and see it from his point of view abit more...

OP posts:

Smum99 · 27/12/2011 20:08

Good dads will react if they feel they will lose contact with their children. The whole 'allowing him' to take the dc's out is very hard to comprehend and I'm not sure he has to tolerate that. Can you imagine how you would feel if conditions were imposed on you, you would rightly say he was controlling.

If you want it to amicable it has to be a fair split, sadly you can't be the gate keeper for the dc's, deciding when he can see the dcs - both parties need to feel that they are equal parents, rather than the dad being a 2nd class parent.

I do understand you feel anxious but that is your issue to manage, explain upfront that you are anxious and that you will work on it, he on the other hand needs to ensure he doesn't become nasty. Can you find a way to discuss matters? dads do lose out when they separate so find a way to ensure that it is fair and you have the basis of a good separation.

I am a mum to an older teen and have been a single mum - it is truly worth all the effort, sacrifice and tongue biting to maintain a good relationship with the other parent. The dc's really do benefit - my dd is testimony to that and it is priceless to me that she can tell friends how positive it has been for her. You can't buy that peace of mind..and I wish everyone had a chance to fast forward and see their dc's in adulthood so they can see how their behaviour impacts a child. I heard a phrase once that stuck with me..when dc's hear their separated parents in major conflict it changes them forever.

stuffedauberginexmasdinner · 27/12/2011 20:18

Exactly what is he making threats about? If he is being aggressive and threatening I'd consider calling the police tbh.

WibblyBibble · 27/12/2011 22:05

Er I never understand why people think someone should be happy and amicable about being dumped from what they thought was a lifelong relationship- why would you think he would be amicable straight away? When you unilaterally decide to end something, you can't really expect the other person to be just 'oh ok, of course, now let's be best friends instead' about it.

If he is genuinely being threatening i.e. suggesting he will harm you or your children, then of course you must go to the police immediately (the tone of your post doesn't suggest that he's actually threatened harm, just that he's been pissy with you, which is why I am not being more emphatic about this). If he's just angry and upset, then ffs that's normal for someone who's been dumped, and you should leave him alone for a bit to get his head round it, and only contact him about the children. Amicability comes later. He doesn't owe you it (he does maybe owe it to the children but really they don't have to see right now how difficult it is), any more than you owed him continuing the relationship. Believe me, I was dumped just before finding out I was pregnant, and I was fucking not amicable in the slightest, and don't see why I should have been. Recovering takes time, for men or for women.

fallenpetal · 29/12/2011 21:27

You know men will often make the womans life hell because they do not want to commit to leaving and then when they actually get what they want they have a sudden panic. This may be just that! He has just realised what he would be missing and is trying to claw back some control. I very much strongly suggest you get some one to mediate any further talks you have.

I do agree with wibblys comment about the expectation that amicable doesnt happen straight away. I was so angry with my x because of the lies told to make other people feel better that it really is only now many years later I can bear to be in the same room with him, I really wanted him to leave but emotions take over. I dont think you can expect amicable and you are being a bit unfair expecting him to be totally reasonable because no one can be with such huge life changing happenings. Cut him some slack and reverse the situation and see how well you think you could cope.

Good luck!

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