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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

It's right he puts his children first...

15 replies

ScapeGoat · 26/12/2011 14:46

but he lets me down at the last minute when we are due to meet because arrangements have changed and he needs to look after his 4 year old.

My gut feeling is he is a good man and honest re his children (ie, not lying about looking after them and really going out with other women) BUT arrangements to meet keep changing and I'm not very good at being understanding even though I have two (older) children.

I've not known him very long and he says things will be easier after Christmas but I don't understand why I am being so immature about the dissapointment of being 'let down'.

How much would you put up with knowing it is the right and proper thing that his children are his number one priority???

(I'm feeling like a selfish and immature cow)

TIA xxx

OP posts:

Earlybird · 26/12/2011 14:51

Very hard situation.

How long has he been apart from his ex?
How long have you been seeing each other?
How often does he see his children?
Do you think this change is legitimate, or is his ex being a nightmare (being difficult on purpose to simply mess him about, or perhaps even sabotage his new relationship with you)?

Earlybird · 26/12/2011 14:53

Also - it is possible that there is nothing tricky going on between them.

Perhaps both he and his ex are simply accustomed to him never having a conflict or other plans. Maybe she expects him to be available last minute because he always has been before?

Original poster

ScapeGoat · 26/12/2011 15:13

Thanks Earlybird, I really need perspective. Only known him for a few weeks but we immdeiately 'clicked'. There doesn't seem to be anything going on re his ex - they spilt up when dd was a baby but as he works from home he has always been available to care for dd at his exes convenience. He seems a doting/attentive dad. He says he'll have to put his foot down after Christmas as she takes him for granted but I don't know if he will. He is also sole parent to 2 boys, 19 and 15.

I do understand he should put his kids first but if we arrange to meet I never know if it'll happen until he actually arrives. Maybe I need to grow up or maybe he needs to appreciate he can't expect a girlfriend to always fit in with his arrangements. He is a great bloke but I don't know what is reasonable to expect/tolerate????

OP posts:

Youllbewaiting · 26/12/2011 15:41

I'm a single-dad and I make it very clear my children come first.

It's not condusive to a relationship though.

Earlybird · 26/12/2011 15:43

How often has it happened that he has cancelled/changed plans last minute?

Original poster

ScapeGoat · 26/12/2011 15:46

About half of the times we have arranged to meet.

OP posts:

Original poster

ScapeGoat · 26/12/2011 15:50

I think he was dissapointed in me for not being very understanding about today. We were due to meet on Christmas Eve but his daughter wanted to stay at his (fair enough) but meant I was unable to arrange something else at short notice so was on my own xmas eve - like lots of other people.

He always apologises but I feel he is a bit of a door mat re his ex BUT his daughter is his daughter so she should definately come first. I just wish I could be mature about it!

Thankyou for your replies x

OP posts:

JenniferEight · 26/12/2011 15:59

I'm sorry but reading between the lines, how reliable is this person? He has two other grown up children, right, and is split from the mother of his four year old?

She 'takes him for granted' and you're sure about this? Have you anything but his word for it?
Maybe he never wanted to commit in the first place, maybe he had affairs, you have to tread really carefully. And if you've only known him a few weeks yet part of you is expecting him to put you before his child...I'm sorry but this sounds way, way too fast moving to be a good thing.

I hope I'm wrong. Get to know him if he seems so special. THEN decide if you want a relationship.
Also, men who you just 'click' with are often not all they appear, they're just great at clicking with women.

I don't want to be harsh but I do want you to be careful, Okay?

JenniferEight · 26/12/2011 16:00

and are you SURE he is actually not still with his ex? Because that would fit right in with his behaviour tbh

Original poster

ScapeGoat · 26/12/2011 16:21

Thankyou JenniferEight - yes we have talked a lot and I understand where you are coming from with your opinions because I thought the very same!

My gut feeling is he is genuine - I know that sounds naive.

I expect him to put his children first but my issue is, do I want to be in a relationship with a man who has children who by the very nature will need to rearrange things at the last minute etc etc. I have spent the last 17 years putting my children first (too much) now it is my time to date etc and have fun. I know I sound horrendously selfish, but I am torn because he is a lovely man...

OP posts:

JenniferEight · 26/12/2011 16:24

Thanks for not taking me the wrong way

I can understand your feelings, that you want it to be a bit more free and to make plans he will stick to etc.

He doesn't sound totally detached from the past though and until he is, you have to take him like this and anticipate broken promises, or you have to find someone who fits in with what you want from a relationship.

I'm sorry as you sound like you really like him, but if it's not getting any easier after a few weeks then perhaps you owe it to yourself to let it slide.

Good luck.

Earlybird · 26/12/2011 16:39

I think it is absolutely right that his dc (unclear if it is only a dd, or if there are more children) come first. And, you have said you agree with this.

However, it is not fair on you if he is repeatedly completely unreliable. In your shoes, I would be understanding/comfortable in the following situations:

an existing arrangement/plan to see his dc
something beyond his control that legitimately requires him to step in last minute (emergency, illness, unforeseen circumstance, etc).
a random request from his dc/ex when he has no plans or commitments with you.

I would not be comfortable attempting a relationship with a man who has no boundaries with his children or his ex. He is entitled to a life to himself that includes sometimes being unavailable to an impulsive and/or last minute request from his ex or his child.

You certainly do not want to 'compete' with his children for his time/attention/affection because it will be horrible, stressful, difficult for all included - and you will surely 'lose'.

It may be that he has never had this dilemma before so needs to think through what is 'fair' to his children, himself and you, and how (or if) he wishes to balance things differently now that you are in the picture.

Original poster

ScapeGoat · 26/12/2011 16:45

Thankyou for your very helpful replies.

I think it is about compromise - he is relatively new to dating (he says) so maybe he needs to 'find his feet' and learn how to find a new way of doing things. He told me he is is going to be more firm with ex once Christmas is out of the way so maybe I should give him a chance...if nothing changes I may have to re-think things.

Thanks again for your much needed perspective/advice/opinions x

OP posts:

fallenpetal · 26/12/2011 22:08

I dated a dad of 2 and I can totally understand how you feel, the times I ended up being what felt like shafted for his kids at literally the last moment seriously did my head in. Mainly because he couldnt reciprocate the expected understanding when I had to suddenly have my children longer which intruded (his words) into our time!
Single parents are and always will be single parents and these things will continue to happen until the children are at an age where they can look after themselves or go out with friends. Hence my choice to remain single unless a man suddenly falls into my life with much older children or none at all!
If you want to continue with this relationship I suggest trying to fix a day maybe once a fortnight that is your night and he can then say he is busy that time on a regular basis so cant have his Dc - this did work for me until I tired of having to listen to him moan about his ex wife LOL - he wasnt the best rebound relationship to pick :)

Original poster

ScapeGoat · 26/12/2011 22:40

Thanks fallenpetal - I thought also it might help if we don't arrange things days in advance with the obvious risk of him having to step in to look after his youngest.

OP posts:

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