is it just me

[plainy]

Hi, i am a lone parent with a three year old boy. he has started creche about five moths ago and am having awful problems, he is rough with the other kids, sometimes hurting them and sometimes just hugging them too tightly or pulling at them or poking them. he only has two afternoons a week there and hasnt had much interaction with other kids, he doesnt have 'friends' and doesnt understand the concept of friends. when i ask him why he does these things he says he doesnt like it there or he misses me or the other kids dont play with him. recently i have tried to explain why the other kids might not play with him, that it is because he hurts them or holds onto them or pushes them. i used to hold back from saying this as i felt it would hurt him but recently i think its something he needs to understand. i am trying so hard to explain, have demonstrated constantly toughing gently etc, have tried start charts, talked about making friends and caring for others, done the books and talked about expressing our feelings with words, tried telling him he can be gentle to build his confidence, etc. the think is - sometimes i wonder is there something 'wrong', i feel i am the only mother that has these problems, no other kid in the creche is doing these things on the same scale and for as long. i then feel alone, feel the other parents and kids shrink back from us. i sometimes feel judged as a lone parent, the assumption that all kids of lone parents have problems or that lone parents are not as good at parenting as other parents, i sometimes feel he is labeled and judged and it breaks my heart to see it. its not everyone that makes me feel like this, but do other lone parents ever feel like this? do other lone parents have these problems? i dont know if there is something wrong, i do think he has has little socialisation and just doesnt know how to be with other children, i know he has little contact with father since birth and now father has immigrated and i think may be he lacks a man showing him how to deal with feelings, i think its hard for me to imagine what its like to be a little boy and dealing with the world. but if this is the case, how long should it all last, how long before he gets over this roughness? should i have some internal maternal 'knowing' guide that tells me what to do or that there is something wrong or not wrong? he is smart, active, likes physical activity,and i love him. i just am trying so hard, cant seem to get him to stop these things, and as i said sometimes i think it is lack of socialising and it will pass, sometimes i feel judged and alone, and as if i am the only one with these problems, does this all get easier?!!!

Hi Plainy, just a quick reply for now.

It is hard as a lone parent but you mustn't blame yourself.

I have a three year old at nursery. I know some of his friends do the same as your son for attention. When you say your son has no friends do you mean outside the crèche? The more he is exposed to children hopefully the more he will understand and learn about friendship. If he went to the crèche more often you might notice a difference. Does he go to indoor play areas? Does he meet other children outside the crèche?

Boys Really need male role models (not necessarily a father) as they get older, read Steven biddolphs (?) book called raising boys, I found it very useful. At the Age of 3 they are still mummy's boy.

If you live in London, I'd recommend going to A parent practice session. I found them very useful. Google parent practice.

No body has the right to judge you as a lone parent. They may not be doing it but we think they are becAuse we're so conscience. I find mothers from my sons nursery very kind and supportive.

Good luck

It sounds more likely the difficulties are due to him being an only child. How does your son behave around adults? Do you generally mix with other adults with him? Do you know any of the other parents?

hi to both of you, and thanks, really could do with the support and somehow because its christmas everything seems worse. he has spent all his life with adults, thats probably part of the problem, i tried to increase the time at creche but there isnt anything else available. he most of the time doesnt do these things with adults, its mainly with other kids. the mother and toddler groups run on his creche days so cant use them as a chance for more interaction, and anyway we are never that welcome. its a small rural community and somehow that makes me feel more isolated and everything seems more in the spotlight, i guess if it was a bigger area with more kids i probably wouldnt feel i am the only one having these problems. its also a problem trying to find the time to get him involved in things where there are other kids with work and things. but i realise i have to try, thats what he needs. i have done a parenting course but its hard because most of the problems are at creche and i amnt there to deal with it. i keep hoping that there will be a spillover effect from all the techniques i am using at home. he has never had a 'friend' yet at all, he thinks the adults in his life are his friend, and as he is so rough the other kids stay clear of him, he didnt want to join in the nativity or anything and i think he is just bored with it all, he now says he wants to play on his own, which i dont think is true - i think its a case of realising that if he plays on his own he will get into less trouble. he is kind of loosing interest in creche, says he cant stop doing these things and i think his confidence is just low, am trying to build it up etc. thanks so much for your kind words, they are only words on a screen but the last few days have been so crap that your words are just what i need!! so thanks

Hi Plainy, it is hard and I feel for you. It really sounds as if your son needs more opportunities with children so he can regard them as friends and see them as similar little people to him.

Your son partly reminds me of a little boy in my sons class who last year would rather just sit and play/look at books on his own. He didn't like playing with others. Eventually he decided it was more fun to join in. He now runs around playing happily.

Are the crèche staff not helping you? My son was so clingy and tearful in the mornings when I dropped him off, the staff really helped by drawing a clock and with his involvement wrote on the back what he would like to do when I drop him off. It's changed my life. I give him 4 cuddles, 4 kisses as requested and he waves me off. Before I used to leave in tears and his screams would be ringing in my ears all day. Ask the staff to help you, they should try and support you through clearly what is a very stressful time.

What activities does your son do when not at the crèche? Is there an outdoor play area, where he can meet other children? I really think once he starts to associate more with little people things will improve.

Take each day as it comes and remember it's a situation that can definitely be sorted

Hope you have a good Christmas break x

Just sending you hugs. It won't be like this forever I promise. You are a good mum because you clearly care so much.

Agree with TS. Things will get better. You are clearly a loving mother who has taken time out to read books, do courses etc. Hope you and your son have a lovely Xmas. He has you and from reading your posts he clearly is loved very much xx

I hope you and your boy had a nice day today and you got some relaxation in too.

TS we've been thinking the same. I am also visiting this thread to say hope plainy you and the little one had a Good day. Did he like his presents? Did he watch the gruffalo's child, is he a fan? My son loved it. Been thinking of you both lots. Take care, hugs to you both xx

At 3, the best you can hope for is peaceful parallel play. Don't worry, he will learn how to get by with other kids. They (and to a lesser extent the nursery staff) will teach him.

It's nothing that you have done. His experience to date has taught him one thing, his future experiences will teach him differently.

Have you talked to the creche staff about what they think? They must have heaps of experience with young children who don't find it easy to make friends and intereact. It is a skill they all need to learn, and many don't find it easy at first. My DS at 2.5 didn't have a clue about making friends and started nursery only interested in the toys and getting upset by the other children if they tried to play with the same toys. But by 4.5 he was totally different. Sounds to me like your DS at 3 is maybe a little slower than some kids to learn how to play nicely (agree being an only child much more likely to contribute to this than you being a lone parent) but he'll likely get there in time. Shame that extra sessions at the creche or toddler group aren't an option - make sure you're on the waiting list for any vacancies they get. Can you organise some play dates with a child of a friend of yours if you can find one? Or some childcare swaps?

he is only three.
speak to the creche staff.he woint be the firwt child to play roughly
if they dont know what to do ask them to make a referral to educaitonal psychologist to comein and give some strategies

hi all
thanks for all the kind wishes
christmas day was fine but the last few days have been tough, he seems to have discovered cursing, i dont know where he heard such words but he has has bouts of cursing over the last few days. i am doing time out and all the other strategies from parenting course, but he is really rebelling against it, its funny usually the main problems are in creche, but recently he seems to be doing tantrums, not going to sleep at night, and constantly complaining, and all day is i want this or that or i dont want this or that, seems to have completly forgotten all his manners, i guess it will get worse before it gets better and he is really testing the boundaries. its all so hard. since the last day at creche he just has had awful outs of misbehaving, doesnt listen to me at all, i thought before xmas it was just excitement about xmas etc, but still no sign of it abbating!!
have organised one play date, it went so so, problem is most parents keep their distance so finding other mums or kids is tough, rural community. creche dont say much about it other than he is improving - slowly, that he is slow to learn to interact etc, that they dont know whey he does these things, which is funny to me because he is three - surely he doesnt know why he does these things himself!! the creche staff have been trying to ween him off playing with the adult staff, which they say he seems more comfortable with, which is no suprise to me. but i dont think he gets any extra or special attention and things have got worse since they have stopped playing with him. i am not saying that they should give him extra time or attention, they have other kids to look after and am not sure thats what he needs, i guess thats it - i just dont know what he needs. but will stick with the parenting strategies even though at the moment it all seems to be achieving nothing. a girl i know told me over xmas that she works at a creche that runs a special programme, where there is a small group of children guided by just one adult, so they get more time and attention and only have one adult minding them rather than 2 or 3, she said he would benefit from this and she felt confident within a few months he would integrate better. but its far away and there are other practical problems too, and what if that doesnt work and he has lost his days at the local creche or he thinks all he has to do is misbehave and i will take him out. oh dear, decisions decisions!! what to do, what to do, sometimes i would love someone to share these tough times with, someone to help make decisions and face the consequences together, someone who will do the time out when the kicking and screaming of late makes me feel so sad. but am ok being on my own, yep its really really hard and i constanly feel aware of how hard it is, and wishing it were easier, but dont spend that much time thinking i wish i wasnt on my own, but just lately ...
but i will still plod on for 2012!!

Plaint, it sounds as though you need some support. Is there a parenting class or parent's group you could join. I know it sounds cliched, but as a lone parent myself, I have found these to be valuable sources of support. Even when they don't seem that obvious. That's why I have found myself crafting ffs!

Plainy -it's been a while since you last posted so i hope things have settled down for you and your boy. Your stories really resonated with me as we had the same experience with our son when he started at nursery. He was rough with the other kids and then developed a reputation for trouble so would frequently get blamed for things even when it wasn't him.

Mainly i wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this experience. I felt as if i was the worst mum in the world and felt judged as you did. Fortunately i found (through a parenting course) that there were things i could do at home that had an impact on his behaviour at nursery.

I would suggest that you don't punish him for his behaviour -he already feels bad and knows that the other kids don't want to play with him and so is choosing to play by himself. Instead empathise with how he must have felt to do whatever he did. Acknowledge that its hard for him to know what to do when he feels like that and ask - don't tell -him what he can do when he feels upset/angry/frustrated/overwhelmed/not good enough. When you describe the feelings he's having they become a little bit more manageable for him. Have him practice whatever strategy he comes up with. My son thought of rubbing his 'magic' pebble which he kept in his pocket to help him calm down. It worked because it was his idea.This is problem solving and it works sooo much better than punishing.

Keep up the good work -you are obviously a dedicated mum and doing it on your own isn't easy.

Have you tried playing with little figures (like playmobil) and acting out all the situations which occur in his life? Like setting out a little creche and have three children playing and then one hits the other, and then discussing with him about how do you think that made them feel, why do you think they did that, how can they make it better etc? This really worked with my dd.

how are you Plainly? How is your little one? Hope you have a much better Christmas this year x