Anxious about not being enough for my son as a single mum

[2012ismyyear]

Bit of a pessimistic post, sorry, but I'm having a very tough time in my marriage at the moment and I fear that my DH and I may end up separating next year.

We have a gorgeous 1 yr old DS, who I love more than anything and who would live with me in the event of a split.

I suppose my fear is that because he's a boy - and a fairly big, physical and robust boy at that - I'm not going to be 'enough' for him as he grows up. I don't think I'd feel like this at all if I had a daughter somehow. Does this sound ridiculous? Do other lone mothers with sons ever feel like this?

One thing is that I've just got a feeling he's going to be really sporty and physical, like his dad, and while I'd always encourage him to play/watch as much as he wants, I personally loathe all forms of sport. I wouldn't let this to rub off on him, but if I'm really honest, my fear is that watching football or cricket with his dad is always going to be much more alluring than being with mummy... Now I've written that down, I can see it sounds a bit crazy but I do worry about it. My DH will be much better off fianncially than me, and I can see him making weekends wonderfully exciting - great for my DS but I'm already anxious that I won't be able to match what he offers.

My side of the family is also quite small so there wouldn't be many male relatives around, and my dad died this year. My DH on the other hand has a brother with young kids and his parents are quite young and are very hands on, organising holidays and so on. I worry that I just won't be able to offer my son a very rounded or interesting family set up.

It sounds terrible because I'd never change anything, but I just don't want to give him a lousy upbringing. Deep down, I have a real fear my son will want to up and live with his dad when he's 15 or something.

Any advice would be hugely welcomed. Or tell me if I'm being completely mad and irrational...

Thanks.

I feel like that too. 5yo DS doesn't see his dad and the only man we see is my Stepdad, which is about once a month.

It's hard as he doesn't have any good male role models and I worry he will try and get in with the naughty boys as he gets older .

He'll be starting rugby next year. I haven't a clue what the rules are but he needs to do something 'boy-ish'.

Sorry I can't be more help, I don't think you're being irrational though. As long as he see's his Dad and you are able to co-parent I'm sure your DS will be fine.

I know how you feel. I have 2 dds (6&1) and a ds (1). The twins have never met their dad and i used to think that ds would be the 1 that suffered since he is surrounded by females. But now i dont worry about it. I will make sure he gets to do boy things just as i make sure the girls will do things they like. My girls are very independent but ds is a complete mummys boy and would rather have snuggles than play. He is a very happy little boy and i know that even though he doesnt have any contact with his dad he will be fine

Thanks for taking the time to reply Meglet and Starshaker. Good to know I'm not alone, but bad to think that yes, it's a real concern if that makes sense.

Yes I totally agree about making sure he does boy things if he wants to, this seems really important - that way he'll make friends and enjoy things (and hopefully burn up lots of energy too :)

I know it can't be at all easy without a dad's input but sometimes I wish I could make a clean break to be honest, it's partly the thought of having to sort out weekends/holidays/christmas etc and also a sneaking fear that I won't be as good/fun/interesting/generous as his dad in my son's eyes . I know that sounds mean, selfish and terrible but it all seems very daunting.

You just need to find him more male role models, in our case, the husbands of close friends, my friends and above all the partners I have had after the split have done the work beautifully.

I know how you feel - I'm a LP and have 2 ds's.

You say you think you'll end up separating but does this mean that your boys dad will no longer have any input into their lives? He can do the sports thing whilst you take on the role of being there for them in many other ways.

I worry about them wanting to go and live with their dad at some point but, nearly 3 years on, I know that I'm the parent they live with and we have a special relationship as a family of 3 of our own. They love their dad, as they should, but we now fulfill different roles.

Deal with the here and now and worry about a (possible) split first. =

Stop worrying. Even boys want to be with their mum more than anything else and yours is only 1!

Am a LP, mum to 2 boys 10, 12. Whe n we split I worried similarly. But since I have been on my own we have been, skiing, travelled to the US west coast together, built treehouses and taken up climbing. Being on my own with my boys meant I had to take upo things I might have left to their dad and I love it! I have discovered more adventurous I am actually more adventurous than their dad is.

And the best bit is that they still both cuddle up to me on the sofa to watch TV on a Friday night

Follow elasta s example !
Being a girl does not mean you cannot climb trees with your ds

Or maybe you will the one showing him museums travel etc while dad does sport

Assuming dad wil be involved well your ds will have best of everything It isn't a competition

One day at a time

He is one
Who knows what life will look like in 14 years.

You can be as good as dad in a different way

DISCLAIMER: I am being something of a Devil's Advocate, but ...

I thought we, as adults in this country specifically but also others maybe, we're trying to discourage this idea of Activities For Boys and Activities For Girls, or does that only apply to Other Peope's Children.

Considering the age of your boy, I think you are wasting brain space on this.

For the record, it was my mum who liked sports, my dad hates all sporting activities and prefers to read and watch Science Fiction on TV.

Remember, if your DS shows a natural aptitude or a special like for football, rugby, ice hockey or ballet you may well find yourself getting more interested as he improves and progresses anyway.

"I thought we, as adults in this country specifically but also others maybe, we're trying to discourage this idea of Activities For Boys and Activities For Girls, or does that only apply to Other Peope's Children. "

Well, if you have a boy and a girl, you would have noticed that at some point, when boys are around 3 or 4, something kicks in inside of most of them and they became very boyish, boisterous and active. (Some psychologists define it as the testosterone rush)

I am more inclined to join the ranks of those who think boys and girls are equals, both have the same rights, but no, they are definitively not the same. There is a good book that illustrate the differences, it is called Raising Boys. Or if you prefer to see it in a different way, read Why Men Don't Ask Questions and Women Can't Read Maps.

Thanks for all the wisdom and advice. I know, it does seem overly-anxious to worry about what might happen in the future (my forte, I think) and it's up to me to make sure we do exciting things together and build our own relationship.
The boy/girl gender thing is interesting though - I'm a strong believer in raising kids as equals and see no reason why i can't spend the afternoon baking with my boy. But I agree MeMySonandI - children want to do different things, whether that's influenced by peers/parents/tv etc or innate, well that's the old argument isn't it? I see no reason why there can't be a reasonable overlap - it's about equipping kids to deal with life and all boys should be able to cook/sew/be able to articulate an argument, the same way that girls should be encouraged to climb trees, fix a bike puncture or whatever it might be....

You say your husband earns a lot more than you do. Are you as well qualified as you want to be? If not, could you retrain and take advantage of him having your son at times so that you could study? It would make you a good role model for your son and help you to get up to a higher salary.

I think actually that your husband will do a good job with your son if you separate. You hear so many stories of people whose exes do nothing at all with them. It seems a win-win situation if your son and your husband both love sport (and you hate it) that they should spend their time together doing that. Far better that than your husband just wanting to play computer games all day and getting pissed off with your son for interrupting him.

Is your marriage necessarily over? Is there anything either of you can do to make your marriage happier?

Hi 2012, another single mother of a son here. A lot of good stuff upthread. As a woman who can read maps, I'd recommend Lise Elliott's "Pink Brain, Blue Brain". She's a neuroscientist (don't let this put you off - it's a very approachable book). The basic thesis is that actual male and female brains at birth (in so far as you can measure this) aren't that different. Where there are small differences in the average ability between sexes, the spread of abilities within each sex is so large that there is massive overlap (e.g. there may be a slight difference between the average boy's and average girl's vocab at age 3 - but 45% of boys will have a bigger vocab than the average girl). But brains in early childhood are so plastic that how we treat our children has a massive influence on how their brains develop. It's packed with useful, really practical ideas for encouraging boys to develop social awareness, fine motor skills, etc (and girls to develop spatial awareness, gross motor skills) - the things that end up being left out if you have a really stereotypical view of how girls and boys should behave.

I can see why you're worried (I'm a total tomboy, so do all the playing football/climbing stuff in the park things, get wildly enthusiastic about toy trains etc., but was worried when pregnant as to how I'd cope if I had a girly girl - I wouldn't have been able to teach her how to put on makeup, not that that's necessarily a bad thing, but I'd have worried that it would have got in the way of her being socially accepted by her peers - so I do know a bit of how that "but will I be able to provide the right sort of role model for my child all by myself" feeling goes).

I think, as others have said, male role models (particularly DS's friend's dads) are massively important. Also be flexible (for e.g. DS was playing "tea parties" with his toy cars in my old dolls house - I asked him if he'd like some dollies to play tea parties with, and he said yes, so that's going to be one of his stocking fillers this Christmas). And work out the stuff that you find fun - you don't have to like everything your son likes doing (I love trains and lego, but toy cars leave me cold).

Good luck in the next year, and make sure you have a good support network in place in real life to help you out - friends of mine have split with young children, and it can be very hard (though also liberating to be out of a relationship that just wasn't working).

Hi OP.
I feel your pain here - I was the same about contemplating life as a lone parent. Consequently I stayed in an abusive relationship for years longer than I should have. Not saying this is you at all however!

I really was afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it on my own. DCs have different dads and the youngest is a boy.
In the end I realised that I was setting a bad example of how a woman should be treated by staying. I didn't want either of my kids growing up thinking it was normal.

It was hard and sometimes lonely and I had lots of self doubt. However when DCs were around 7 and 12 yrs old (after living on my own with them for 6yrs) I had a bit of an epiphany.
I realised that the thing I was really terrified of doing...well I had somehow done it without noticing. My DCs were no longer in nappies and waking me up all night, they were articulate and knew who they were in life. Obviously there was a way to go, but I knew I should stop worrying and enjoy their childhood.

I must have done something right for we were all still alive!

So don't worry that your life will be one dimensional - lots of boys from LP families turn out caring, thoughtful and capable. I think LP families are more interesting anyway.

Deep down, I have a real fear my son will want to up and live with his dad when he's 15 or something - I had this too. And it never happened, can't see that it ever will either.

I'm sure your boy will have a happy life and there will be room for lots of male role models to come along - you never know what's round the corner.

I'm a dad and when we separated my son wanted to live with me and has for 6 years, so it can happen.

We have lots more in common, his mum wasn't happy about it but it was what he wanted and is happy doing.

Even if your son lives with you can't his dad still be a positive male role model?

And another thing to consider is that your child may end up spending more quality time with his dad than he currently does. My ex was a workaholic so I was normally dealing with everything while he remained plugged to his laptop ignoring children get bored, hungry and that when they get like that havock follows.

Having DS on his very own during weekends ensured that DS was finally taken out and do things with his dad in a regular basis. Before then he was just too busy.