advised to post in here for a bit of support...

[Happylander]

My ex has recently walked out on me and moved in with his OW. He is now threatening to take my son and apply for custody and told me he has already filled in the paperwork. I have now told him he can only see my DS in my company as I am terrified he won't bring my DS back.
He left me out of the blue on 31st October. I had no idea he was unhappy. we had been having a stressful time as we had a GMC hearing in regards to the extremely negligent Dr that nearly killed me when I had our DS. I have PTSD, a stressful job and a 2 year old and so was knackered pretty much most of the time and don't sleep well.

I suspected it must be because of this woman but he denied it but I then found out he had moved straight in with her. Understandably I am hurt and angry. I have asked him to have DS on a few occasions to be told no he had plans etc etc. He then sent me dates he wanted DS I agreed with them all and asked why none of them were overnights and he said he couldn't afford it. It is £29 in the premier inn down the road!! I also asked him to have DS while I went on a booked and paid for trip to Scotland and he ignored all texts and so I asked him if I needed to get someone else and he said go ahead. I did. He then later changed his mind but I told him he couldn't mess me about like that and I was sticking to the arranged child care plans. He then went to CSA to give me less money. Started to threaten me with taking DS.

He was due to see DS two Sundays ago but told me a week beforehand that he had a ball to go and so would need to change the day. I had already made plans with friends for the friday and saturday so told him no that he had to stick to sunday. He then called me all sorts of names and told me i should change my plans and what was so important about my plans that I couldn't change them! I refused as it was a date he had chosen and felt it was unfair to expect me to change plans at such short notice and just so he could get drunk with his OW.

Abusive and threatening phone calls have happened since then and I no longer answer phone to him. He told me 2 days ago he was going to court that day to get custody as after so many threats I refused to let him see our DS without me being there. Then today he emailed me to say that unless I let him take DS he was sending the paperwork in and he had all that he needed to win. he has told me previously that a judge would easily give him custody over me.

I am finding it all very difficult to deal with.

He's deluded. There is no way that he (or anyone else) can just send "papers" in to court and gain custody of a child. I guarantee that much.

He's doing this to abuse you.

I know it isn't as easy as he makes out but is he telling the truth about paperwork? i.e. is there paperwork that he can get in a day to start the proceedings?

I'm not a legal expert, but unless he can prove to a court (who will be wise to the ways of abusive exes) that you are an immediate danger to your child he hasn't a hope in hell. Such a case would require the involvement of social services and/or the police.

He won't and can't do it, he's just saying it to worry you.

Have a look through some older threads here, you'll see it's a common threat but it's incredibly rare that he actually does it.

There are papers he can download but he can't just turn up in court and be given custody. More details here.

How horrible for you. I have no advice, just wanted to wish you and your son a lovely and peaceful christams.

Happylander you sound like you're having a tough time and he's making life more difficult. He can't just decide that he's having your son and then take him off you. It just isn't like that

Please don't let him get at you this way. Get yourself some legal advice, it will put your mind at rest.

If you can detach from the arrangements he keeps cancelling it will be better for you. Even if you have plans don't let him know that he's mucked them up. Its only fun for him to do this if he gets a reaction.

Start to build up a network of backup childcare and ask that people are on standby so you can go if you want to.

Keep strong and don't engage with this hurtful fuckwittery

Thank you. His reasons for telling me he will get custody is because I have no money for food or heating after all the bills come out because he refuses to give me anything more than the CSA states so unless I work extra shifts there is nothing left. I have gone begging to charities and I already work fulltime.

Plus he says I am stopping contact but I am not just not willing to let him take my DS as he keeps threatening to take him and go for custody.

he cn certainly apply to court for residence but it is a long profcess. in the meantime keep record/log of contact offered and he hasnt taken up.
try to communicate by email only so you can keep a trail of what has ben said.

this means you only stick to factual info "i propose you meet ds on xx dat at xx time etc.

unless you are negligent etc then worst is 50/50 residencey bgut if he isnt havinghim overnights now that is some way down the road.

speak to someone about his abuse/threats sp there is a recod eg gp/ hv /solictior

So sorry that you are going through this. Can you check if there are any family law solicitors in your area who can offer you a free 30 min consultation? (many solicitors now do this - just google the ones in your area). they should then be able to put you in the picture about what the process would actually be and advise you about your legal position. That way, hopefully some of your fears should be dispelled.

Also, keep a log of everything that has happened - dates, cancellations, changed plans, everything. If he ever does go to court, you will then have a record of his unreliability in terms of contact which would contradict this sudden desire for residency.
I agree with the others though - I think he is using this as a threat to beat you with. If he was serious about residency, he wouldn't mess around the contact issues so much. Good luck and try not to worry too much.

Hi happylander,

Dont be worrying yourself - he's hasnt got a hope of taking your children off you. He's a bully who's trying to pull down your confidence, especially at a time when you're at an emotional low. Ignore him, but as others have said, keep records of all the abuse he hurls at you & then threaten him with a non-molestation order. Thats what I did & for nearly a month now I've had hardly anything abusive from him ( his verbal/written abuse was going on for 3 years!)

Keep strong.

Happylander - you mentioned your financial situation. Are you sure your getting all the benefits/tax credits etc that you're entitled to?

I tried the following website when my ex left and it proved pretty informative:

www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx

Not allowing any contact IS a valid reason for residence to be with the other party BUT it takes time to establish it. If you have no reason to think he would harm his son then you need to let go & let him see his child without you, it is what a court will rule and by the sounds of it you will have no money for a court battle. Money is not an issue when deciding residency.

As I have said before there is no way he & new OW really would want full custody, it will impinge on their relationship. Agree something reasonable & if he's a good dad it will work out fine, if he isn't you'll find the contact slipping.

So you think I should hand over my DS knowing he might not bring him back?????

I have not ever stopped him from seeing our DS I have only now said he can not have him without me present due to many, many treats of taking him.

If you have written evidence text/email of his threats then try to see a solicitor about this and to weigh up likelihood, if you don't get legal aid then the half an hour or so it would take would be worth it to set your mind at rest.
Unfortunately if he has PR then police can do nothing. Only thing that would make anything enforceable is a residency order but courts won't grant unless there is real evidence. Is there a family member who could do the handovers for you, someone you would trust to reason with him if he acted on his threats?

He wants to see his son but do you HONESTLY believe he really wants custody? If he does keep him then you go & get him but from what you have posted this sounds unlikely. Focus on the real battles, a court will rule that he has to see plenty of the NRP WITHOUT the rp present.

Is there an international element to this very sad story ?
When you talk of the ex "taking" DS do you mean taking him out of the country? If so, you should immendiately contact police. If not, just stop worrying.

1. The fact that he is talking about "custody" should tell you he knows nothing about the actual process, hasn't seen a solicitor and hasn't read any "papers". The word "custody" was dropped from all legal proceeedings after the Chidlren Act 1989. Residence and contact are the terms now used.

2. It takes a months and months and months to get a court to hear a residence application, mediation is generally insisted upon, CAFCASS reoprts will be required - it takes a lot of effort (and money) for a Father to be granted a residence order and 98% of residence orders are made in favour of mothers.
   You can bank on a year minimum (longer in the big cities) from application to order. If some paperwork does happen to arrive therough your fron door just go to a solicitor (you'll get legal aid by the sould of your financial situation) and let them deal wih the whole thing. You really have nothing to worry about.

In the meantime try (difficult I know) to reach agreement with the EX about contact and money.

I have had a rough couple of weeks and much has been said and I have forced him into giving me some answers (mainly lies no doubt but hey ho!) and basically made some threats back which has resulted in him paying his share of the mortgage for one more month, paying me back the clothes he bought himself out of my money and paying me £80 more a month. He has also agreed to buy DS bed and any clothes or shoes I need for DS.

I have asked for 2 months of no contact to get my head sorted and to have time to come to terms with things so that we can be civil to each other as I really don't want my DS to have parents at each others throats. We never argued before this about anything so it has been awful. I have said that after the 2 months, maybe sooner, then he can have DS every other weekend etc etc but that if he ever ever threatens me with custody or does not pay then he won't see our son and it will go to court. He has even apologised.

He did say that he will miss out on DS but I pointed out that he walked out and that was an extremely selfish thing to do and did not consider our son when he did it. I told him I need to be selfish and think of my well being as it is not fair on DS to have a crying and stressed mother all the time and I need some time to get over him

I think it will help me and anyway DS is used to him being away as **face is in the Army.

i think you need to be careful here. It's not actually about you - it's about your child. You and he need not be at eachother's throats. Just make the arrangement for every other weekend and leave it at that. Communicate by email and be civil upon handover. That's all you need to do. With regard to his selfishness and the reason for your split, that has absolutely nothing to do with the right of your child (the child of both of you) to have regular contact with his dad, difficult as that may be to stomach. And money has nothing to do with this either, although I know this is difficult.
Try and sort out your financial split asap.