mummyjules, good luck with your situation - you must feel quite stressed!
I don't feel qualified to give you advice as never been in the situation, but I have worked with children with split parents and thought I might put down some of the things that come to mind.
first one is, have you read Dr Christopher Green's book 'toddler taming'? There's a bit in there about parents splitting, and he puts acrimonious splits down as 'legalised child abuse'. Strong words I know, but I write that because I have to say that some of the children I have seen I would certainly say have been really damaged by the experience.
And that's my main impression really about the whole thing - it can so very very easily go downhill fast, particularly if one partner wants the split less than the other - and also if one partner has a vulnerability like your ex with the drinking - makes their responses to the situation less predictable.
So I guess what I'm thinking is that you, as the instigator of the split, will have to be SUPERHUMAN in your patience and restraint, in order to try to get your ex 'on-side' eventually. And you already know your daughter will find it hard, so I reckon the thing to bear in mind when she's being a nightmare is that she has had a MORE major life changing experience than you - choosing to leave a relationship is in my view less life changing than 'losing' your dad. It really is true that kids blame themselves sometimes. And that they feel rejected, even if you say Dad didn't leave YOU he left the marriage - kids are very literal and the truth is - dad DID go from them too.
So for the kids I've seen it's a biggie! You sound very thoughtful and sensitive though so I'm sure you will negotiate this minefield!!!I do think that you can get there with making it non-damaging for your child but (as always with mums) I think the onus for being the one that keeps things sane will be on you. Think counselling is a brill way to hopefully make him feel the split is mutual as if he feels HE'S made the decision he will feel less rejected.
Couple of pitfalls I've seen even the nicest people fall into - using contact with child as a weapon - ie 'he's been abusive to me so he can't see child'. Another big one is unreliability - some dads don't always turn up and the mums obviously get upset for the child,but I would take the long view and keep channels of possibility open. ALWAYS look at contact as the child's contact with her father, not his contact with her, and it's then easier to not use it to punish him if he's been impossible. She always has the right to her dad! Also, contact should be just about the two of them - not to pass letters between you, or maintenance money, or whatever. Makes it easier for the child to relax.
Very best of luck with uni, sure you'll have a fab new life xx