What's it like being a single parent.

[birdybirdy]

I hope people don't mind me asking, but I think I'm about to split from my partner and we have daughter of 14 months old, and I'm just really scared of being a single parent and supporting ourselves. I have basically brought her up since she was born as partner was always working all of the time, weekends, evenings etc.....however, he provided all of the financial help,our house, bills etc...I have been a stay at home mum. Unfortunately our relationship hasn't survived the upheaval of having a baby, and there is a lot of resentment on both sides.

I just wondered if any single parents could tell me how they cope financially etc.....I am really scared about how we will live, where will live etc. Currently live in a nice area, nice house (which is his).....I NEVER thought I would end up in this situation and I had the most wonderful childhood with a wonderful family...so I'm heartbroken for my little girl.

Will it affect her at such a young age? I am sure that we will co-parent and it will turn out to be amicable etc....so she will have a loving father.....he is a good hard working man,....but there is no longer love or support there. We are just two people who stopped loving eachother. Nothing sinister, no abuse or anything, just the end of a relationship.

I just hope some of you have some good advice about being a single parent, starting life again, how you cope with things financially etc.....

Thanks so much.
x

I'd say it probably won't affect her too much at that age, especially if her Dad sees her regularly. My DC's were 2.2 and 4mo when their Dad left and TBH it really wasn't a problem, he had been getting very nasty though, I think we were all glad to have some peace restored to the household.

I'm not sure where you stand with regards to the house. I was lucky that it was my house when me and XP split up so I was able to stay in it. I worked too so with the tax credits and the maintenance (via the CSA) I have been able to pay the bills and manage on my own. (so I'm not much help there am I ).

We aren't really a 'typical' post-split family. XP was abusive so hasn't seen the kids in over 2 years but we have been able to manage financially on our own and muddle through.

I'm sure you and your DD will be fine. If you have any financial problems the CAB might be able to help, your partner needs to pay maintenance too.

I wont lie and say it is easy but its gotten easier for me - as far as I am aware you dont HAVE to work until your DC is 5yrs old so you have some breathing space to transition from stay at home mum and getting back into work. Take advantage of all the training offered by the JC when you sign on for benfits. Every 6months they call you in to make you feel worthless chat and then you can get break downs of what earnings and benefits mix you are entitled to depending on what work you look for. Use them properly and they can be really helpful getting you in the right place to work with Cv's and placements etc especially if you know what you want to do - have you much experience to fall back on?

Depending on your housing u will get income support and child tax credit and probably housing and council tax credit. This will give you a good base to start standing on your own 2 feet. Dont forget the father will be contributing and its always possible you could make arrangements so he could help with the childcare when you do get a job.

I guess the hardest bit for me is the emotional issues but my kids are far older so have struggled somewhat. Its one hell of a shock though even if you have been pretty much on your own. When my X left I literally had the child benefit to live on for 3 months! believe me that doesnt go far! (thank god for my credit card) But now I have enough to live and do voluntary work (makes me feel im earning my benefits somewhat) as Im finding that most emplyers dont want disabled single mums at the moment! Cant blame them how can I compete with an able bodied single person!! But I found my place as you will but dont be upset that it takes a while, the benefit system is there to help you get back on your feet thanks goodness!!. Good luck to you xx

(also dont worry if anyone calls you a benefit scrounger etc etc Im sure if they found themselves in your situation they would take several months to get straight cos its bloody hard at first!)

You will survive. Whether it's easy or not depends on what kind of living standard you were used to and what support network you have.

Being a single mum is not for the faint hearted, it is a lot of work, more so if you have no family/hands on supportive friends around you. However, if your partner is a workaholic you will notice that you were doing all the work in your own already. So you may even find that you have less things to worry about when it is only DD and you (I did).

What I have found difficult is coping with the financial side. My ex is very hardworking but what he gives for maintenance is a laugh, as a five-times- married-4-times-divorced friend once put it, child maintenance is just for you to have a threat, buy a bag, as it is really not covering the expenses you have when you have a child with you. Having said that, I have never been comfortable enough to use the maintenance to get myself a treat but I can see what she means, as the maximum maintenance you are legally entitled is 15% of the non resident parent's salary provided he doesn't have overnight contact with the child.. Yet, about 60% of the non resident parents pay less than they should or even don't pay it at all. So, although it is your right to get it, it is also a good idea not to be dependent on it.

Which brings the point about work or no work... I would say work, work part time, work full time, but work. Your child is young and yes it is your right to get benefits without working until she is 5, BUT if you don't work in all that time you will find it VERY difficult to find a nice job at the end of that period, and depending in your current standard of living you may find it difficult to cope with income support benefits, I frankly couldn't.

However, if you work at least 16 hours a week, you get your salary, and on top of that Tax Credits make a huge difference (especially if your salary is low -check entitledto.org.uk for a calculation on what you can get). But above all, the important thing of working is that, with time, you are enabling yourself to provide for your child. Yes, they are young only once, but IME, stopping working for 3 years while my child was young, has also meant that now that I am on my own, I am not able to provide for him in the way I would like to as I cannot aim to get employment similar to the one I had before. I feel I have compromised his future (and mine) for the sake of spending 3 years baking and taking him to the park, actions which, incidentally, I don't think have made a big difference to his development anyway, but are making a huge difference to how we cope financially nowadays.

child maintenance is just for you to have a treat

What a stupid thing to say.

OP. What will make all the difference is keeping things amicable with your XP. And that is no easy task after a break up. You should remind your XP and yourself that your dc's interests should be foremost in everything. Discussions about your relationship with XP are fairly immaterial now. That was the past. You need to focus on the future.

If XP has been the main bread winner, and you've been at home bringing up your dc, those roles may have to change now to a greater or lesser degree. Your XP may well have to make more time to look after dc, and you may well have to go out and find some work.

If your XP is a decent bloke he'll make sure he gives you at least 15% of his net income. If he has dc overnight once a week that'll drop by 1/7. If he has dc half the time it'll cancel itself out.

I give my XP over £500pm as an example and split various other costs.

And at 14 months I doubt your dc will really suffer from the split as such. Just don't have heated arguments in front of her.

Thank you all so much for your advice.
I had no idea that you are legally entiteled to not work when you are a mother until they are 5 years old. However, I do want to get a job again way before she is 5. I don't wan to be on benefits. I have been out of work before due to recession and being on benefits isn't a nice feeling for the old self-esteem. A single mother on benefits isn't going to really make me feel crappy....however, if it gets us through when we need it then I'll just have to grin and bear it.

My partner is a very decent bloke so I can't see there being too much acrimoney, we both want what is best for our dd.

It's just so sad isn't it, you have these hopes and dreams of being a family and sometimes, it just all falls apart. I would feel less sad if he was an utter bastard, abusive or whatever, some women have some terrible things to deal with.....but he's not. We just stopped loving each other through too much resentment.

I just hope that things work out for my dd and I can support her.

Lone parents get such a bad rap don't they, single mothers especially, perhaps I've read too much Daily Mail. I have a friend who is a single mother and she has done brilliantly with her daughter who is now a teenager. It's just scary, the financial part most of all.

Well done to all of you on here who have done it. I'm sure if/when we finally agree it it's all over then I will be back here for more support.

Thank you for all your advice.
x

"child maintenance is just for you to have a treat

What a stupid thing to say".

I need to clarify that the 15% of net salary maintenance seems fair to me IF both parents have similar incomes, but if we consider that my ex earns 6-7 times what I earn (at least), it is imposible to say that that 15% of his net salary (which he is not paying) will be enough to keep the standard of living his son was used to.

So, if somebody tells me that he is a "good dad" because he is paying maintenance, I am happy to clarify that is not DS' dad who is keeping DS living above the line of poverty, it is me, through my badly paid job and long hours, thank you, and above all, the blessed tax credits.

I do agree however, that it is VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT to try to keep at least a civil relationship with him, otherwise things go pear shaped. Although maintenance for the child is a right, enforcing it with an unwilling non resident parent is a very difficult affair.

Child maintenance is such a hit and miss thing. For some, NRP pays whatever they are supposed to, which is enough to make a difference for RP, and regular enough for RP to rely on; some get bits and pieces infrequently, which is better than nothing obviously, but difficult to use to really benefit day to day living standards. Some are lucky enough to be able to support Dc without maintenance, but for those that can't irregular or missing maintenance can be a total nightmare.
I have one nRP who has paid almost nothing for 14 years, the other has paid £100 a month since we split nearly a year ago, for his 2 DD's. £100 a month pays for the petrol to get to school/nursery and back, and their extra curricular activities. He buys clothes/toys which usually stay at his, on top of this. Everything else I pay for, on my part time earnings and tax credits.
I can totally see where memysonandi is coming from, but I know that this isn't the case for everyone.
OP, it is tough, but worth it.

Have you thought about having counselling with your DP? Is it worth trying to rediscover the love you had? For me, it was very important to think of this so that I could, when asked, tell my DS that I did everything possible to save our relationship. My ex refused counselling and prefers not to discuss anything he doesn't like.

My DS was 2 when we separated almost 5 years ago. I was a SAHM, I asked ex to leave so there was less disruption for DS. As ex worked long hours and was often not home before DS went to bed and out before he got up, there was very little difference for him except at weekends. I went back to work and ex agreed to pick up DS from nursery, bringing him back home and looking after him there until I got home. Ex also looked after him sometimes if I wanted to go out, which was good for DS because he got used to being put to bed by Daddy. I eventually bought out ex's share of the house, he moved in with a new partner and was less involved with DS. I am thankful that DS had time to get used to his father being away and that he was involved when he first moved out.

I have absolutely no regrets about the relationship ending and am far happier now. I get child support through the CSA. Ex's ex partner did try to make things more difficult and resented me receiving anything from ex (she had brought up her child as 'father unknown') and seemed to want to convince him that I was asking for more than I should.

I work full time. Ex sees DS once a month or so, sometimes more often, sometimes a few months with no contact. I don't get much opportunity to go out on my own, I don't have family nearby to have DS for me. It doesn't worry me that much, we have more money to spend on holidays.

I've been a single parent for more than 10 years, I love it. I make every decision, from which schools, to shal I leave the washing up until tomorrow. Nobofy to put me down, make extra housework,disagree with how Iraise DC, I've always been alone, so I'm used to the financial situation. It must be narder if you go DOWN to one salary, rather than just always were. ( Even if you were a sahm, still effectivly 2 salarries, as you won't have been paying childcare)

Good luck.

It's great.

You'll be fine. Particularly if the break up is amicable and you and your xp are determined to put your dp's welfare first and co-parent co-operatively.

If things start getting nasty (which they do often, despite the best intentions of both partners), head straight to mediation. This is the sort of break up it works well for.

Good luck with it.

on a lighter note

You get to walk around naked whenever u like, u dont have to pick up dirty pants, and you can leave the dorr open when u go for a pee