Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

Holding my boy whilst he sobs

13 replies

Flamesparrow · 18/12/2011 22:39

Has to be one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. No matter how hurt I have been by my XH, seeing my baby crying so hard because he wants his daddy home and just can't understand makes me ache. It makes me want to hurt his father so he can feel just the tiniest bit of the pain he has caused.

I have explained that we are both happier now, but that doesn't mean anything to a small boy who just wants his daddy home again. We are 18 months down the line, but it still hurts him so much. Not helped I suspect by me having a new partner, and by XH finally being open about his relationship.

He asks why, and I can't give him a decent answer. I just hold him as he sobs himself to sleep. I remember the pain from my own childhood. I just want to take it away and make him not hurt like that. 5 is too young to feel like that.

OP posts:

Moodykat · 18/12/2011 22:42

I couldn't not answer you and although have never been through divorce at all, from any perspective (lucky I know), I can understand how hard it must be.

colditz · 18/12/2011 22:47

Oh flame

I also have a five year old, but for us this all happened before he was one. Ds1 asked why me and his dad can't live together, and I said that we argued a lot when we lived together, and it is better for children to have parents who are happy in two different places than parents who are unhappy together.

I'm not sure he believes me though

cestlavielife · 18/12/2011 22:50

How often does he see his dad?

trulyscrumptious43 · 18/12/2011 22:52

Sad for you and your boy.
The wisest words I ever heard were "This too will pass".
Never underestimate how much your child seeing you happy will rub off on them. Remember to laugh and make your boy laugh too.
I speak as a 12 yr living solo lone parent.

treetroppo · 18/12/2011 22:52

poor you. so sorry he is so sad. time is the only thing that makes it better.

Original poster

Flamesparrow · 18/12/2011 22:55

Thank you

He seems him 3 out of 4 weekends for 25 hours, and he babysits at my place one evening a week (but DS is in bed for most of it).

I think it would have helped had we fought or anything, but we sort of floated along together for years. I didn't actually realise that I was unhappy until I am now happy (if that makes sense). XH met "a friend" and suddenly decided he was desperately unhappy, it was never going to be resolved, and left.

DD1 does fairly well, which surprises me as she is AS and doesn't cope with change. DD2 was just tiny so pretty much weekends with daddy is all she has really known, but she is now saying no and clinging to me when I try to leave (is fine when I go to pick her up), which hurts too.

So much pain for them, and so much guilt for me despite not being the one to blame.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flamesparrow · 18/12/2011 22:57

:) Truly - wise words.

Thankfully they seem to really like my DP, and he is amazing with them.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 18/12/2011 23:00

Maybe in new year you should seek help from eg play therapist, music therapist so he can explore his feelings and you can maybe get some advice how to approach it ? As has been a while so is not immediate aftermath but maybe due to him being more aware of maybe eg his friend at school lives with dad? Who knows. Ask gp for referral also if your ex is willing for you all to have a session with family therapist and agree how to approach it.
If you in London Anna Freud centre gives you half hour phone consultation with a child psychologist on self referral

RedHelenB · 19/12/2011 13:10

Hate to be the bearer of bad news but dd2 still wishes every Christmas for us to be back together & it's 5 years down the line. At the end of the day kids want their parents to be together!

NormaStanleyFletcher · 19/12/2011 15:31

Not seen you around much

Sorry you are going through such a hard time.

Don't know what to suggest over and above saying that you and DH don't love each other any more, but that you both still love him totally.

Original poster

Flamesparrow · 19/12/2011 17:45

Heya Norm :)

I think it is just one of those things that is going to take time. It has been a hell of a ride for them all, but for him it goes back further because he had the pregnancy where I was constantly ill, so he went from being the baby, to mummy being lumpy and broken, to a newborn coming (that wasn't a boy), to daddy leaving, then moving house, now new DP... I have been battered by it, let alone him.

OP posts:

NormaStanleyFletcher · 19/12/2011 19:06

It may well just take time.

Kids are so resilient.

But I like the idea above of play therapist. Maybe ask for help from GP?

MeMySonAndI · 21/12/2011 17:44

Flame :(

I can't add much to what has been said, but don't add having a partner as another blow to your child's life, at least not yet.

DS has ended up calling DP 'dad', all of his own accord. Obviously he understands he has another dad who he doesn't see, but he can also see that he has the support and love that his dad doesn't want to can't give him, from DP. In practice, and as DS often repeats, DP is a very good dad.

Hugs.

Flip