Mothers who have made it through the court process

[philosowatzit]

Hi, I am looking for some support/advice/guidance, from any other mothers who have been through the court process with genuine reasons for stopping contact with a violent abusive ex. I'm struggling with the process, despite being a professional, educated person, I find myself in this awful situation. How did I get here? How was I duped so badly? What the bloody hell am I doing on a website open forum asking for guidance! None of my friends (all professional, middle class, decent people) have had anything like the current problem I am currently enduring, so how can I ask them for advice!! They are very supportive, however, I don't want to be the one with all the problems, or the worst hard luck story :( In words of the infamous Bob Hoskins 'it's good to talk' and that's all I want to do, gain some clarity...... retain some sanity

You know... there are quite a lot of highly educated, professional, middle class and decent people here. Which proves the point that ending up with a violent abusive man is not a privilege of disadvantage sectors of society.

I'm sorry but I find your post a bit offensive. Hardly the best way to get people talking about their personal stuff.

Having said that, perhaps you can get some good advice if you re post this conversation under the legal matters topic.

Oh dear, I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean to offend anybody, I promise, but I posted in the legal bit area, and maybe I'm being extra sensitive today, but I felt like they thought I was just being a daft single mother shouting abuse when it didn't happen, one of the many it would seem as I had been browing the site today. I'm tired, I'm upset, and I obviously don't seem to be communicating very well under pressure, which is maybe why I'm not doing very well at protecting my children. I thank you very much for telling me what a daft cow I've been, again, apologies. I'll just go and crawl under a bus.....

Hey, I just sent you a message, no need to apologise, what is the problem? have you already started the court process?

I have not seen any posts where anyone admit to making up allegations of abuse....?

I don't know anyone in immediate circle with abusive exP with severe mh issues thrown in but once you broaden circle or post on mumsnet you come across others who maybe have experienced similar.... And as above poster said no one is immune for class or whatever... Sh,,,t happens to anyone..

Look, in any circle of friends only one of you maybe has abusive ex/only one gets cancer /only one has disabilities/ etc. So you need to look elsewhere for specific support . If your friend gets cancer you would expect her to get specific support from cancer support group....she would get more knowledge from a cancer support group. You will get support here. Ask specific questions and you will get answers....

Many /some of us have gone thru court process and can offer info based on our experiences . I stopped unsupervised contact with support of social services.

No, me not not being clear again, it was more in the discussions about the court resources and the legal people getting the hump because of all the false allegations, vexatious proceedings, delays by mothers making stuff up to thrwart contact without any real reasons. Cor rubbish at communicating tonight aren't I?

Your right, that makes sense, I'm not thinking very clearly at the moment, and feeling very sorry at this whole mess, it's clouding my mind. I was thinking why am I the only one I know with this problem, it must be me, what's wrong with me, why is this happening to me?

Was your unsupervised contact court ordered? I don't want to ask why, unless you want to tell. Did you have CAFCASS involved?

Long story but in short final contact order after 18 months including six of contact centre and several hearings ordered supervised but with "any other contact as agreed" and judge verbally made it clear this was to allow things to progress gradually to unsupervised, which it did.... Over some eight months...But exp became unwell again with his anxiety/aggression/severe depression etc etc and was aggressive towards dd who then refused to see him ... Ss supported stopping contact other than strictly supervised. For a time he was too unwell anyway.

I got feeling that while judge supported supervised (we had been thru contact centre and this had gone well) she wanted to think that over time things would settle, exp would get over the separation and all would be fine... But he hasn't and it didn't. She was fair but i got impression she felt that in many cases it just needed time for the anger between splitting parents to recede....(the warring parents version) hence having that clause of "other contact" to allow for unsupervised as time went on...

Or maybe is related to his severe mh episodes. Who knows.

Now he appears on an "up" and is demanding more contact again and refusing to understand why I insist on supervised . Which is all more reason to insist on it if he doesn't have the insight as to why....

In a way I have the supervised written in anyway .

If court orders contact then put enough evidence for supervised and supported contact in contact centre and accept review after say six months. You can buy time til either he blows it or actually you agree that yes he can be trusted...

How can a liar ever be trusted, don't think that'll happen. Pretty sure my kids father has some kind of mh problem, he has a similar lack of insight, which is very scary. So you didn't have CAFCASS involved in sounds like. Do you think your ordeal will ever be over? What effect is it having on your children? Are you stressed a lot of the time? or only when something else happens to stir it up? Is there ever going to be and end in sight I am wondering. I freaked myself out today reading these threads on this website, because I hadn't realised that even though daughter has said she doesn't want to see him to CAFCASS, her wishes and feelings can be over ruled because of her age. What do your children think about this whole process, how old are they?

my kids older now 9, 11 and 15(but oldest has SN sp more like a 5 year old)
whiole process began in 2008
yes CAFCASS was invoved - one report said "mother is angry because of dad's behaviour" ... i felt this misrepresented...

of course - the words that stood out and were read -were "mother is angry" - implying somehow was my problem not his... anyway, CAFCASS recommmended supervised contact so that came right in the end.

i did make/force kids go see dad (supervised) but now dds older they have more say. oldest dd says "you made me go see him for a year..." yes i did to give himt eh chance to prove himself - he proved himself badly unfortunately.

it is a fact that as yours are much younger their wishes/feelings dont have so much sway and it will depend on other profressional reports etc. however if there evidence of his violence etc then you can certainly insist on contact centre and very supervised. hopefully your CAFCASS would support that.

I have an abusive ex and had a final hearing in october (i think it was october) Cafcass were involved and decided that as ex was abusive to me and not dd there wasnt any welfare issues. Contact was supervised by me at first but ex used the time to emotionally abuse me/threaten me. Ex then spent a few months absent, then my parents supervised but that didnt go well! Eventually ex got unsupervised contact (6 hours a week, no overnight through his choice as he finds dd hard work) and that was the final order. Its a difficult situation and I don't know anybody in rl that has been through it. Jeez I have typed a lot!

philosowatzit Ifeel for you and I understand completely what you are going through. I am myself going through those legal shit and i never thought that it will happen to me one day.

I've been seeing a man casualy last year who had mental and social issues, I've realised quite early. When I finaly decided to stop seeing him definitely I was pregnant and decided to keep the child despite him wanting me to abort. During pregnancy and after I had to report him to the police for harassement and emotional abuse twice.

I am French, 2 weeks after giving birth I received a prohibited step order not allowing me to go out the country because I was accused of wanting to abduct my child. Since then I've been to court once and there will be another hearing in March.He is allowed supervised contact with the baby without me because of the harrassement but I know that for him it is a revenge and a way to control me.

I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night just thinking about this. I feel like in prison.

Because of the Hague convention I am punished of deciding to keep my child and I have to seek for his permission to see my family.

What a world! So for any women going through domestic abuse I just feel for you now.

It is the biggest headhache ever that I do not wish to anybody.

Girls, how does the CAFCASS report work, we've had an initial visit, and due to have a few indirect contact visits, then back to court. When exactly do they 'interview' daughter, or do they? is a report just compiled in an informal way, through observation? When is report given to the court? Can I see it? Am I 'interviewed'? To all that have reponded, I feel for you greatly, it's a horrid situation, and whilst it's good that no one we know in our social circles has had it happen to them, there are places it seems where other people in similar circumstances can get together for support and courage.

cafcass did not interview my dd as she is too young. They didnt visit me but I had a phone conversation with the cafcass officer who would be present in court. The thing to remember with cafcass is that they represent your child in court so they arent really interested in how you and ex interact, they just consider what they feel is in the childs best interests. It is generally assumed that all children are entitled to a relationship with both parents and cafcass take this view. In my experience you need to seperate your emotions from the court case and be as level headed as you can. What contact are you wanting?

"interview" istoo strong really for young chldren - they would most likely visit at home and play/interact maybe ask a few probing questions.

and as misspp said - try and phrase everything in terms of "it is in the best interest of teh children that ..."

You have to be very unemotional in court - think of judge/cafcass as being head-teacher/big boss. They keep a distance from the he said or did/she said or did. They are there to put the needs of the child first and when the child is older her or her's wishes and feelings.
They don't bury their heads in the sand re what has happened rather they stick their necks out and look to the future when, hopefully, emotions have settled down.
They look at evidence - GPs reports, SS, police - and in a sense what you or your ex say comes secondary to that.
Every situation, every family is different but they have seen a lot of families and have dealt with all situations and types of families - some pretty nightmarish and require children to removed from parents fullstop.
Can you get some counselling to deal with your feelings and sort out the issues over your anger in parallel to the court process?
It is very, very stressful. Utterly horrible and probably very few people end up with the solution that they feel in their hearts is best for them. You do need some support and if you can't talk to RL friends phone round for a counsellor and try until you find the right one for you. But Cafcass won't be your friend just as they won't be your ex's. Best of luck

Unfortunately all the reports by the above have been dismissed in this case because I could not attend the fact find. I did have reasons, and the court are accepting a statement to prove that, to their credit. I know they don't bury their heads in the sand, and the last judge was really very sweet when I had a little cry. They are human. I've calmed down after a rough couple of days, that's what started me off. I realise that the courts have the children's best interests at heart and can only go on hard evidence, and lots of it at that. All we can do as parents is deal with the fall out. I've spent and hour and half tonight massaging, stroking, rubbing, hugging, talking and gently coaxing my daughter out of panic attack, tummy ache, reaction to a male. If that's what it takes every time she see's a man she doesn't like then that's what I've got to do. I'll deal with it. I will seek out a counsellor for my distress regarding the findings and the likely order of contact. Of course I can request supervised contact, but ex won't stop until he has overnight, staying, access all areas. If that happens, then again, all I can do is deal with the fallout, until she is old enough to be taken seriously by the powers that be. Cafcass again, are humans, only doing their job, and it's very tough for them when presented with a manipulative oscar winner, and a protective, maybe sometimes emotional mother. Same for barristers, only doing their job, and if sometimes they have to scare you into the realisation that if you don't start saying the right things, and playing the game, then you will loose your children. I wouldn't do either job if you paid me zillions! But god bless those who do try to try to help.

You hardly going to lose your children unless neglect or harm is proven .
"worst" case is shared residence 50 /50

That's not what the barrister told me.... maybe he's just trying to scare me?