What the son of a single mother told me

[QueenofWhatever]

I was talking to a colleague at work today. He's 29 and was brought up by his Mum after his parents split up when he was about four. He stopped seeing his Dad when he was about six or seven.

I asked why he stopped seeing his Dad and he said if you asked his Dad, he would probably say that his Mum made it too difficult. Did he think this? No, not at all. His view was that every other weekend doesn't equate to parenting anyway and that his Dad made no effort to be a real father.

He last saw his Dad when he was about 12 and was remarkably unbothered by this. He got Christmas and Birthday cards until he was 18 at which point they just stopped. His take was that you can't miss what you've never had and as far as he's concerned, his Dad just doesn't count as a father figure.

I thought I'd post this as so many of us struggle with getting our kids to have a relationship with the NRP as we're told it's in the best interest of the child (me included after years of abuse). Kids aren't stupid, they can see the absent parent isn't making the effort. Maybe we should just make sure we don't obstruct contact but as to the rest of it, it's not up to us to force someone to be a parent when they can't really be bothered. Children see the truth as they grow up.

Thanks. That is so right. My ex has sporadic contact with DS and has failed to respond to any suggestions of organising a schedule of contact so now he just texts when he feels like it and if DS is free that's fine. I don't restrict contact, I don't try to organise it and DS is free to use my phone to call his father. That's about all I can do.

I'm sure your colleague's Mum is proud to have a son who has come through it and can see who made the effort in his life.

Thats lovely to know, thank you for sharing x

Thanks for posting that. It has made me think about the contact my dd has with her father. I suppose the young man was right, you can't force the contact or the parenting if the will just isn't there. It's a huge shame but I feel a bit better having read this.

As a child of an absent parent and my husbands father was very similar as you describe above I would add we felt exactly the same until our children came into the world. I struggled less with it but have had difficulty understanding and dealing with the fact I don't have and have never had that father/daughter relationship. My husband has some real abandonment issues and feeling or low self esteem that have developed really since our children were born. My mother was great and was DHs mother. I had my grandfather and my step father who were amazing, my dh did not. I'm not single parent bashing but just putting how we feel as children of absent fathers.

Yes of course they know. Some of them may still feel the absence of what they might percieve as 'normality' but I think in these times, lone parent families are pretty commonplace and therefore more 'normal'.
I grew up without my mother. I was initially brought up by my nan (from about 2) and my dad, (who was away working most of the time). Dad remarried twice (third time lucky fortunately) and I acquired a new family and never 'missed' the presence of my mother. Over the years she kept in touch once or twice a year, but this stopped when I got to 10. Started again at 15. Then stopped again. I was so used to it I was very cynical.
I completely understood from a very young age that I was in the 'right' place with the 'right' people. I still thank my stars that my dad was granted custody (eventually after he appealed) which was almost unheard of in the 70's. He never badmouthed my mother and left it completely up to me if I wanted to call/write to her. He did exactly the right thing. I find it hard, but not impossible to comprehend now I have my boys how she could leave me (to move to a different country with new husband), but I do understand the situation she was in, and I am aware she did win custody initially so I wasnt 'rejected' - she just gave up bothering after a while. When I finally asked her why she stopped keeping in touch, she just said 'I thought you didnt want to know' which I actually considered a copout, but its how she felt, so I left it at that.

I'm going through a situation right now whereby my ex is cutting ties with his DS. My little man is absolutely devastated. I've watched him sob his little heart out following difficult converstations with his dad, asking him why he's not allowed to sleep over anymore and why he only gets to see his dad for a few hours a week now. It breaks my heart. I completely adore him and he knows this. I give him enough love for a mum and a dad, but I'll never replace his dad. I suspect a child will always feel that rejection. I hope I'm wrong. I hope it doesn't affect his ability to be a well rounded grown up.

I don't have any contact with my Dad and it is $h1t. Even as an adult I get upset on Fathers Day and at times like xmas when people are spending time with their family. I have adjusted and get on with my life 90% of the time but it's not a situation I would wish on anyone.

I blame My Dad for not making enough effort but also my Mum for not trying hard enough - it suited her that he didn't want to know an she did make it challenging at times for him to spend time with us. I often think about trying to reconcile but it just seems so haed and awkward.

To any parents out there - do all you can to support your DC's relationship with both parents - some adults will end up well adjusted regardles but most will feel the loss on some level

Betty that is so awful. How could someone do that to their child? It must be so hard for you and your son.
I think that you can help by empathising with his emotions, allowing him to be sad/angry/devastated and trying to stay calm and focussed on him (rather than on, say, anger towards his dad). Not try to distract him, minimise his feelings or make up for the loss in any way. Accept, be open, that you know this is shit for him. I think that can bring peace, knowing that your mum/someone understands, is simply hearing and understanding, not trying to alleviate.
I think I would need some support myself though. I hope you've friends you can talk to about this.

Thank you

I eventually disowned my father - he's otherwise an amazing man, so amazing, so wonderful - but he didn't make the effort with me that I felt I deserved. We never lived together and I got to meet him - consciously- when I was 16. The other times where when I was a toddler, I guess.
On my 40th b'day - and I'm a fab daughter to have, by the way, have never screwed up, totally got my life sorted, plan on sailing around the world, and so on, little empire built upon a mere 17k a year - well, on my 40th, 3 yrs ago, his pathetic one line, 'Happy Birthday', well, that did it for me and I told him that I felt that I was more my mother's daughter, than his, and to stay out of my life because his effort was pathetic.
So he did.
I must say that his new wife, his second, not including my mother, who he never married - they were young - resented me, so there was that to consider.
Up till 16, I didn't care or think about my 'father', and I didn't have a replacement, either. I think my upbringing has made me what I am today, so whilst I sometimes regret not having the closeness with a father, I love that my life has worked out so well because I haven't had to stay close to the roost.