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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Can I remove NRP Surname from my 3 yo?

15 replies

MummaHen · 14/12/2011 19:23

Hi all, I'm a newbie, so I'm not sure of all the acronyms, or even if this topic is covered elsewhere on the site, so please bear with me!
I'll try and keep it as concise as possible. When my DS was born, I gave him a double barrelled surname, so 'MySurname-DadsSurname' mainly because I was being pressured by DS's paternal grandparents that he should have his Dad's name, but I wanted him to have mine, the same as my DD (age 8), and this seemed like a comprimise.
Now, his Dad has never lived with us, and is becoming a much less regular presence in his life. He goes up to 6 weeks without a visit, doesn't ring/skype/write to or in way try to contact inbetween visits (which usually involve a couple of hours in a play area and no actual time spent together!) He does however, pay maintenance (although not always on time!)
Now DS is in school nursery and registered there using only my surname, which he recognises as the same as Mummy's and his big sister, Grandma, Aunts, Cousins etc. He doesn't recognise Dad's name as never hears anybody being called by it.
However, when we go to Doctors appointments, they call out his full surname, it's on all his prescriptions etc. It's also on his passport. I hate the fact that he is stuck with a Surname that means nothing to him, that is attached to someone who shows little to no interest in him and is different to mine and my family's when we are the ones in his life.
I googled this and it seems I need permission from the NRP to change his name. However I wasn't sure if just dropping his name from the double barrelled name counted as a full change? I imagine things will get quite confrontational and nasty if I even mention the idea to his Dad. Plus, I couldn't find any info on what I could do if the NRP refused. It stated a court order could be obtained, but it seemed this was only relevant if the NRP had been fully absent for a number of years. I'd really like this all sorted while DS was young enough to not know anything about it.
I'd be really grateful for any advice, especially from anybody who has been through a similar situation. I did say I'd try to keep it concise and I realise it's ended up a bit of a ramble! Sorry - but I am new so be gentle with me! Thanks!

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GypsyMoth · 14/12/2011 19:30

No, you can't wipe his roots out just because you want to!

His dad may step up to the Mark one day, how would you explain it then?

ChristinedePizanne · 14/12/2011 19:32

You can be known by whatever name you like as long as you don't intend to defraud. So his passport would have to stay double barrelled, but for school, GP, anything else you can think of, you can take off the ending.

If your ex has PR, I don't think you can change it formally however without his permission

Original poster

MummaHen · 14/12/2011 19:35

I don't want to wipe out his roots, I have pictures of his Dad in his baby book, and each of his year-long scrap books. He has regular (once a week) contact with his Paternal Grandparents. He draws pictures for his Dad which I mail to him, and I have put a photograph of him and his Dad in his bedroom, I'm not trying to pretend he doesn't exist, I just don't see why he needs to have his name.
Plus, if 'one day' his Dad decides to step up to the mark, I should think he would be the one that needed to do some explaining

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 14/12/2011 19:37

You said he knows nobody else with his dads name! Yet he see's paternal gp's weekly!! So he DOES hear his surname, or potentially could

Original poster

MummaHen · 14/12/2011 19:47

I actually said he doesn't recognise the name as he doesn't hear anybody called by it, his grandparents visit at my house, I don't call them by their surnames!

OP posts:

WhoWhoWhoWho · 14/12/2011 19:55

I think you can change it at the GP's like you have done at school by just dropping the last barrel. My ex's eldest (not my child) was named with his dad's surname but is known as his mum's surname. It is on everything but not officially as ex refused to let his mum change it, their 2nd child together they split while she was expecting so he has mum's surname officially. The poor kid is in his teens now and has always been known as z-surname when in fact officially he is y-surname. Rather confusing for the poor kid, either get it done officially or not at all.

Me and my DS have different surnames, I don't see why it matters.

GypsyMoth · 14/12/2011 19:59

I don't either who

GypsyMoth · 14/12/2011 20:00

He doesn't hear the name NOW..... Later on, he won't be 3 forever!

Purpleroses · 14/12/2011 21:59

I would have thought that trying to remove his dad's surname when you still get maintainance from the dad, and DS has some contact (even if brief) could backfire badly. You've indicated that it was important to your ex's family that he had it from the start, if you suggest dropping it (or try and do it against his will) that could do a lot of damage to the relationship.

Best to think of it a bit like a middle name - it's there formally but you don't actually have to use it on a day to day basis.

froggies · 14/12/2011 23:27

My DS's dad has been pretty much absent from his life since he was 3, although we have contact with his paternal grandparents, aunts and uncles. We were married, and officially DS has his surname. When we split I changed my surname.
When I had DD1, I was not married to her dad, she has my surname and at the same time DS (then 9) asked if he could be called the same as me and his new sister. This was discussed at length before we agreed! It hasn't been changed legally as we would need his dad's agreement for that, but he can be known as whatever he likes.
We notified school, docs, etc and explained it to his grandparents, there is no confusion.
He has considered going back to his official name so that his exam certificates match with his birth certificate (sits his standard grades in the summer) but so far, he hasn't done anything about it....
I would leave it with him and let him decide when he is older.

oldmerryolesoul · 15/12/2011 17:22

Just drop it for his everyday life but keep it for official stuff

Original poster

MummaHen · 15/12/2011 20:06

Thanks those that offered advice rather than judgement. I am going to keep it on his passport etc, but not use it for anything else, he can decide when he's older if he wants to revert to it or legally drop it or neither.
Those that don't understand why it matters, surely when you were having children you put a lot of thought into what name you would give them? Chose something you liked, that meant something to you, maybe was a family tradition etc? To me the surname is just an extension of this

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OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 15/12/2011 22:36

So if you put all that thought into it, why change it so soon? Sorry, I know that sounds snippy, but my dgs's mum threatens exactly this kind of thing while being obstructive about access (not suggesting you are, quite different situation) to a genuinely interested, hands-on dad and it's... hurtful.

jaquelinehyde · 15/12/2011 22:53

Hi I understand and sympathise with your situation completely. The best website that you can look through is this one

Give them a ring if you are not sure on anything they really are lovely and if you do need to change any names they are super quick and efficent.

I have changed my surname with them and my son's and we are about to change the DD's (my step dds officially) but are getting a court order to do so.

Good luck.

Original poster

MummaHen · 16/12/2011 14:09

Oldladyknowssantaclaus.... I put all that thought into his first and middle names, the surname I gave into pressure as I was too tired to argue after spending 5 weeks in hospital (3 of those in ICU) myself & ds was still in Scbu after being born 8 weeks early & quite unwell. I simply couldn't cope with the confrontation I was having by repeatedly saying I wanted him to have the same name as me & dd.
Jaquelinehyde...... Thank you I'll look into that site this evening when I get to my laptop (on my phone atm)

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