Ex abusing information he's given - what can I do?

[PlainClothed]

My exH has shared details of imminent changes to my financial circumstances with a mediation company without my consent. I made exH aware because it will have an impact on DD - but he has tried to use that information to convince me to attend joint mediation, which I have declined after attending an information and assessment meeting.

This is against a backdrop of low level harassment (police are aware but unable to act), attempts to manipulate and bully me into doing what he wants and a general lack of social skills that cause me to cringe every time I have to interact with him . Recently, I discovered that some aspects of his behaviour may indicate Aspergers or another ASD-type condition, but there is no way I could ever suggest this to him as a possibility.

Do I have to live with this type of intrusion for another 7 years? DD is 11, spends 50% of her time with each of us, is happy, settled and thinks her soon-to-be step-mum is cool. What else could exH possibly want? I am trying my best to parent "with" him, but if he abuses the information I share with him, and shares it with others inappropriately, then I won't tell him anything in future - which will make life harder for DD.

Why will it make life harder for your dd?

The only info he needs is drop off/pick up details. School and medical he can get from each direct

Sounds as if you are giving him too much info.?

littlest - all the support I have been given as a "separated parent" has encouraged co-parents to share information about major life events, so that the DC's can be supported by both households - bereavement, house moves, job changes (leading to routine changes) and the like?

I understand why it is best for DD if we do both know about these things, but if exH is going to disclose it to others, in an attempt to get what he wants, then forget it!

I'm sorry was this mediation company that your ex husband is giving your financial details that "will have an impact on DD", to do with family mediation, or something else? If it's a family mediation service I don't see the problem with disclosing issues and information that will affect the child or parents be they how much each parent earns to their current or previous behavour. I can't see how family mediation would work without disclosing issues that may impact on your children so they can be discussed and resolved, otherwise what's the point of mediation?

Cut and Paste from wikipedia ...

Confidentiality lies at the heart of mediation. It is imperative for parties to trust the process. Very few mediations will ever succeed unless the parties can communicate fully and openly without fear of compromising their case before the courts. Charlton and Dewdney (2004, p. 344.) highlight mediation confidentiality is seen as one of the key ingredients to encourage disputing parties to negotiate with each other in order to achieve a settlement of their dispute.

Cafcass never said all that to me! You just do the basics. Never heard of anyone going into so much detail!

Hold on there .... CAFCASS is not mediation, we're talking chalk and cheese mixing these two up!

Op has declined mediation

Next step? Court probably, along with cafcass

I don't see what the issue is OP and, unless you are qualified to do so, don't see the point to your suggestion that he has a condition of some sort.
All he has done is suggest mediation, presumably so you can communicate better. There are no issues over contact since it is equally shared and your daughter is happy.
Are you sure you are not just peeved about his new partner and the implications of that? If that's the case, mediation might actually help.

I don't think I've been very clear, sorry!

exH hasn't disclosed the information in a mediation session as something he feels is affecting DD - he has told them in order to try and get me to the table after I declined. They phoned me today, told me that he had told them that my financial circumstances were changing and therefore they could offer me another financial assessment to see if I am eligible for assistance. I'm well aware of that if I wanted to pursue it and actually initiated mediation with him previously.

When I went to the Assessment and Information Session a few week ago, the mediator couldn't tell me what it was that exH wanted to mediate about, we have been apart for over two years, I have no issues, neither does DD and unless I have some idea of what it is about, I see no reason to subject myself to more mediation after the previous two attempts have been unsuccessful (the first was suspended after exH accused the mediator of bias and the agreement reached during the second attempt was broken within weeks.)

I understand that mediation is preferable to court, but in this case, mediation has been tried and failed. I have no desire to change the existing arrangement, so unless exH withholds DD contrary to our fortnightly arrangements, I see no reason to go to court myself - although he has had his solicitor write to me recently and tell me that if I don't mediate, that is what he will do, I have no idea what he wants to change!

This makes even less sense, you say you don't have anything to discuss at mediation and don't know why your ex is seeking mediation. Then you go on to discuss your exH may withhold DD contrary to the current arrangements, and go on to talk about seeing no reaon to go to court. Therefore using the word 'contrary' it sounds like it's the level of contact what your exH is wanting to use mediation to discuss, or are you telling me that his solicitor has made no mention of any issues just that if you don't mediate about "something", he'll feel forced to goto court about "something".

Mediation has to be attempted now prior to getting to court

white that is exactly what I am saying - the mediator was "unable" to tell me why exH has requested mediation, and his solicitors letter said that mediation was preferable to court, but if I refused, then that would be where it would lead. I have no idea what the problem is - I can only assume exH wants more contact, or residency - because what else can court decide?

littlist The mediator made it clear when I went to the Information and Assessment meeting that I had done all that would be required of me by court in attending that meeting with her.

Why dont you just ask him what he wants to mediate about? I know its not easy talking to the ex - just read my posts! But seriously if he is doing pick ups and drop offs just ask him to give you an idea what he wants to mediate about via solicitor if he prefers then you can consider your position. I dont see how else you can resolve your issue unless you hope its nothing and wait for court.
That seems like a bad choice to me because hey it really could be a huge thing like full custody imagine turning up to court with no warning and therefor no plan to support your evidence of why things should remain as they are.
Dont reply saying you cannot talk to him - you have the right to know whats expected of you from this mediation or further court, get a solicitor and get them to ask- sod the expense and find out what he is playing at!!

Haven't you ASKED him why he wants to do mediation and if not go to court? Seems odd he's pushing for these two if you aready have shared care.

From what you have written I can understand you not wanting to go back to mediation after previous unsuccessful attempts.

Is it just that he likes to constantly give you a low level of hassle and stress? [empathy if so].

Yup - I've tried asking him - I've received a tirade back about how how "sad and disappointed" he is that I won't meet/speak to him every time he demands it, or that I choose to parent DD in a different way to him, but nothing as definitive as "I disagree with the way you do X, Y or Z, and it is impacting on DD, so we need to come to an agreement". I actually requested mediation early this year when DD was unsettled and wanted the arrangements to change, but he refused. DD had some youth counselling, which helped a great deal, and he and I eventually agreed that continuing with the 50:50 was best for her. Since then, exH has tried to interfere and dominate me over a range of issues, so I have minimised my face-to-face and phone contact with him - and we have managed to deal with all the issues that have come up via email/text - but he sees that as having to do things "my way" and he doesn't want to do that, he wants us to meet and talk about things regularly.

exH has said that one of the emails I sent him a few months ago - where I set out how I planned on dealing with him the the future - has upset DD. There was nothing in my email that had a direct impact on DD in any way, it was all about financial matters and methods of communication between exH and myself.

exH says that he told DD about the contents of my email to him, and it upset her, so he wants to discuss the content with me in mediation, as my decisions have had a negative affect on her IMO, his choice to tell DD about an email between adults that made no changes to arrangements for her in the slightest is what has had the negative affect. I get the feeling that he doesn't like what I put in the email, and that he is bringing DD into it in an attempt to get me to engage - he knows that if he says to me (or a mediator) "I don't like the decision you have made not to talk to me" I'll tell him "tough luck!"

I really don't want to attempt mediation again - it's been horrible in the past.

My biggest concern about court is that a magistrate will award "joint residency" - which will give him the impression that I am "court ordered to talk to him". I accept that the court MAY award him residency (unlikely, but possible), and CAFCAS MAY recommend that DD spends less than 50% of her time here (although it has been working for over two years) - but to be honest, if it stops exH sharing emails I write to him with her, and brings an end to the current conflict and stress, then it is probably better for her than the current situation

So its the content of the email he wants to mediate about - take the email to a solicitor and gets some proper advice. Sadly mediation is expected - I do agree it is totally abhorrent, its up there with the open phone "booths" in the job centre you have to use to inform them you have been abandoned by your kids father and give all your personal details over to them in full ear wig of the such generous people that work there ( some are lovely but the apes on the door at mine are terrifying frankly)
It might be worth a final attempt where you can outline in private to the mediator your concerns about your x's need to control you. Then set out full terms and get him to understand he only needs minimal contact with you that way. If he then continues to harass you keep details and use it against him legally if thats what you feel is right. Find your own mediators - the CAB will tell you the ones they use, I found the 2nd attepmt at it with the CAB approved ones was far less painful

Good luck

fallen - exH won't use another mediation service; after alleging that the first one we used was biased, we used a different company the second time and he's said it's the only one he will use (even though he refused when I approached them earlier this year).

I'm quite happy with them - in my one-to-one, I explained to the mediator what I thought was going on and she reminded me that I didn't have to agree to joint sessions - she couldn't explain what exH wanted to mediate about and she'd already had a meeting with him !

One of the issues that has always irritated me about the process is that my partner is expected to pay -i don't earn but he does so we're not eligible for legal aid. It seems very unfair that he has to pay for my past mistakes! Things might change soon though - so legal aid might be an option and I'll go along as you suggest (that's what I told the mediator I would do if I ended up in a room with ex).

I honestly think that exH will go to court to try and get what he wants - which is a co-parenting arrangement with regular, day-to-day contact with me. Problem is, now that he has demonstrated his inability to remain discrete about information I share with him there is even less motivation for me to do that!

I wouldnt worry about him having to pay if he is the one demanding the mediation, dont let him have even an inch of your compassion. I went totally wrong feeling compassion for my X I got sucked into his mind games and even started to question my ability to parent!
She is your DD too not his solely so if you dont want him to have residency dont let him! He has no more right to it than you do, your current 50/50 arrangement is very generous and he needs to realise that. No way I could do 50/50 Id go mad lol.
That said at least he wants DD! However if she is happy with situation argue that point, there is no reason she should live with him and just see you as and when ( I cant imagine how much quality time you could get especially as her work load at school increases in the next 12/24 months) My 15yr old has study sessions after school not to mention his youth club, we only get Wednesday in the week when he comes straight home after collecting his sister and we have dinner together. Would either you or your daughter be happy with that? and more importantly will she give up extra activities in order to see you? The importance of the club and study sessions for my son cannot be under estimated, would it be for your DD?
I wish life were less complicated (hugs) xxx

fallen - it's my current partner, not my ex, who I object to paying for the sessions - our household income is too high for me to qualify for legal aid, but as I don't have an income, the expectation is that the three-figure fees I would have to pay for each mediation session will be paid by a man who has fulfilled the role of DDs stepdad - although exH refuses to acknowledge that and expects me to find the money myself - even exH monthly CSA contribution doesn't cover the cost of a mediation session, and I pay for all DDs expenses (at both houses) out of that anyway.

Ahhh sorry I misread that - god what a mess :(