DD wants to spend more time with her dad - WWYD?

[pamperedpooch]

I seperated from my ex 5 years ago when my DD was 1 year old. we have always had the arrangement that she would spend one evening/ night a week with her dad and every other weekend (Fri/ Sat & Sun night)

He has never asked for more. He often leaves her with his parents on the weekends she is with him so he can go out (when I say often I would say 1 in every 2 weekends) He also often works on a Saturday so his girlfriend will have DD. He also works odd shifts (7am until 3pm or 11am until 7pm) so it has made sense for me to have DD the majority of the time as I was a normal 9 - 5.30 day and live near to her school and childminder.

She has started to say recently that she really misses him and thinks it's unfair that I get more time with her. She is particulalrly upset towards the end of the time where she hasn't been with her dad for a week.

She has asked me to talk to him and see if he would mind either doing a full week with him and a full week with me alternate or Mon Tuesday with me and Weds & Thursday with him then alternate weekends.

In my mind this would just mean that she had to go for long periods without seeing one of us and surely that would be worse?

I am also thinking that whilst her relationship with dad is as important as relationship with mum, I am reluctant to relenquesh my time with her so that she can spend time with Nan or step mum instead. i.e. I would reluctantly agree to her dad and I having equal time but I think she needs A parent most of the time.

Plus, her dad may not even agree..

Also, I have always really struggled with being a mother. More so when DD was little and I feel like recently my hard work has paid off and I can enjoy her more having done all the hard-slog baby years - only for him to come along and suddenly be interested now she's more fun.

I also think that he will possibly jump at the chance of paying me less maintenance, but palm her off on others thus saving himself both time and money. - Possible overly negative... I don't know. I base this on the fact that I suggested he see her after school on some of the days that he finishes work at 3pm, but that she still stayed at mine for the night so I can get her to school in the morning but he said no. I offered for him to come to my house and said I would have a dinner for them both in the fridge but he hasn't responded to that idea either. I get the impression he quite likes his single life and wouldn't want her any more than he already does... how sad if he says no.. what do I tell DD??

So, what would you do?

well, you need to discuss with him really.
can you sit and discuss you two or would prefer with a mediator?

does she also enjoy the times with grand parents and his GF or specifically wants time with daddy? having other adults in her life is a positive not a negative. if anything shoudl ever happen to you or her dad you know there will be others there for her...

but reality is that as Dc get older if they chose/request/ask for 50/50 then best to try and meet that as far as is feasible.

Hi there,

Thanks for the response. She does enjoy the time with her step mum, she's a great person for DD to have in her life. Also her Nan.
But the most important reationships are those with her dad and I. I don't see that it is a ositive thing to spend less time with me than she has been used to her whole life so she can spend time with her step mum and Nan. It seems a pointless excercise as what she is saying is that she wants more time with Dad.

Maybe a mediator would be a good way to go. I can't beleive she feels this way to be honest.

yep my exP used to take my dds to church and leave them in sunday school - so they said what is the point if we meant to be with him?

(now v little contact for diff reasons but yes they questiojed this - but something your dd will ultimately need to talk about with your ex...)

I can't help thinking that if she spent her dad contact time actually with her dad then this wouldn't be such a problem. The more I think about it, if she wants more time with her Dad then it should be taken from time she spends with nan and stepmum rather than from me.

Although that is a moot point as i don't think he'd have her more any way.

I'll encourage her to speak to her dad. Although I know in the past he has told her that I decide who she spends most time with so although he misses her too, there is nothing he can do.

Bless her muddled little head - she's only 5!

What's so bad about her spending time with her nan/stepmother. When in your care she is sometimes with a childminder. This is the reality of parenting. He can't be with her 24/7 when he has access, any more than you can

There is nothing wrong with her spending time with other people in his side of her family. She is at a childminders from 8 - 6pm (with school in the middle) on every week day whether it is his contact day or mine, so that is a moot point. That time is neither my time, nor his as we have both always worked full time and never spent that time with her.

because I don't see her during the days and I only see her every other weekend I make a point of being with her when I do have her rather than making other plans at those times. I think this is why she doesn't miss me, because she spends adeqaute time with me.
Her dad however limits their time together even further so i feel that if she wants to spend more time with her dad, the onus should be on him to draw this time out rather than for me to lose time with my DD because she misses her dad - whocould actually spend more time with her if he really wanted to without me having to lose out at all.

natashaB Skype is a great idea. I'll run that past her/ him tonight. I don't think he feels uncomfortablt at my house as no one would be in, but he may do.

You may like to pick holes in how he spends his access time with her, but in your OP you say "She is particulalrly upset towards the end of the time where she hasn't been with her dad for a week"

So really it sounds like your daughter is finding difficulty with the length of time between visits, not how the time with him is spent.

allnew you seem to have your own axe to grind here but I'm not sure how, having read a couple of my posts, you seem to have my entire life all worked out and along with that know how my daughter feels better than I do as well. What exactly is your issue?

Yes, it's the length of time that she finds hard. But maybe if she spent quality time with her dad then she'd have more of him "left over" in her mind to carry her through until the next visit.

I called him last night and told him how she felt and asked if he would like to have her with him more and he said that he couldn't really but that he'd ask if his mum could have her at all to "help you out"

What do you make of that?? Should I just let her go to her Nan's? Seeing as you have all the answers I'd be keen to know...

I would entirely support your point of view that it is not a reasonable way forward for anyone if your exP has more access that then enables him to pay you less child support while outsourcing care of your DD to his girlfriend or mother.

What you could do is propose a "trial run" to your exP for two months with a different arrangement whereby your DD spends more time with him, and agree to review how this has gone after two months. Maybe if your DD spends a lot of time with your ex's mother or girlfriend she won't be quite as keen!

"you seem to have my entire life all worked out" - really , by quoting a statement in your OP?

I can understand why you're upset. But as it stands, your daughter is asking you to spent more time with her father. If you find reasons not to let this happen, she will grow to see you as standing in the way of that. I think Bonsoir's suggestion is a good one.

I'd be inclined to leave things as they are. You're happy with things as they are and your ex isn't pushing for more contact. DD is only 6 and whilst it's good to listen to her views, she's too young to really know what may be best in the long term.

My DD (now 8) went through a similar phase a year or so ago. I was quite sure that her dad wouldn't have wanted her any more than he had her already (we have a very similar arrangement to yours at present) but told her it wasn't so practical because of the hours we worked and the size of his flat. She hasn't mentioned it for a while now and all seems well.

Can your DD talk to her dad on the phone when she's not seen him for a few days? Maybe you could teach her how to dial his number herself so she can phone him whenever she wants.

May be good to try and make sure she knows she can love both parents just as much without needing to divide her time equally between their homes.

Such a tricky thing, I really understand your reluctance given him already working/going out during access time and the hard work part, giving him more time when you have done the difficult bits. I often feel like I do the boring stuff whilst XP gets the fun bits, which, whilst partly true also belittles things he does so I slap myself a bit lol.
How about suggesting him have her for dinner once a week or fortnight or even month when he isnt working or going out. Dinner time is great bonding quality time and is often my kids fav time to go with their dad. Just the three of them for a burger or a picnic when its warm they adore.
Or maybe as another poster suggested if he were able to have her more during his time with her it wouldnt be an issue so much? Maybe you need to review the whole agreement between you. I have friends who every other week one picks up the kids from school on a monday or tuesday has them over night and then drops them off in the morning. Their kids love that arrangement and it shares out the homework!