Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Access issue...anbody any experience. Driving me nuts.

23 replies

ParsleyTheLioness · 11/12/2011 11:17

Arse husband is living seperately, long other thread on relationships....he does see dd (14soon) but I have to go with her to avoid him playing mind games. She wants to see him, but also wants me there. So every week, we meet in Mac d's. And I have to resist the urge to snipe at him, and cry, and I always seem to drive home in tears. Fortunately in the dark. I can't carry on like this indefinitely, it is killing me, I am still so angry at his abusive behaviour to both of us, but I don't actually want to stop contact. Any thoughts/experience which might help at this frankly awful part of our lives?

OP posts:
Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 11/12/2011 11:21

Don't know if this will work. Other thread here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1336196-The-Owl-Man-goeth-Owelefs-come-to-my-nest-bring-wine

OP posts:
Eglu · 11/12/2011 11:22

Is there someone else who could take her if it is too emotional for you. Maybe a grandparent, Auntie or Uncle.

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 11/12/2011 11:31

Unfortunately I live about 100+ miles from either family, and I don't think its fair to expect a friend to do it, an hour in week in a Mac's is probably above and beyond. Maybe there is no solution.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 11/12/2011 11:34

What harm is she going to come to? What is he likely to do/say? Not read your other thread

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 11/12/2011 11:36

Last time the issue was "Your mother thinks I've been online dating, but I haven't (he had, it was in his browser history, he later admitted it, and it was the first she had heard of it). Your mother is bonkers(pot, kettle)" etc. All of which she found very upsetting.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 11/12/2011 11:38

Well look, she is old enough to see him for what he is. Chances are she will see his true colours and contact will then drop off as she won't be quite so keen

You can't protect her forever.

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 11/12/2011 11:41

I did sort of think that. I have had a conversation with her about it. She is not sure she wants to see him on her own YET. But we both agree if they could have a good relationship, that would be a Good Thing. I think if I could have a kind of deadline, I could probably cope a bit longer.

OP posts:
HattiFattner · 11/12/2011 11:43

I thnk that you need to teach your DD some coping strategies for his sniping, and then leave them to it...even if you are in the carpark waiting as a safety net.

First up, teach her to say "Im not interested in your relationship with mum and Im tired of being a pawn in your games. SO lets talk about something else, or I am leaving".

or "I love you both, but Im not prepared to listen to this any longer, so change the subject, or I am out of here."

Give her the power to do this by being outside fr the first couple of times.

ALso, having that power, allow her to decide whether or not she wishes to maintain contact. Maybe she needs to learn the lesson of assertiveness, by being able to say that if the negative sniping continues, she will break all contact.

I think if you were not there, he would soon stop sniping.

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 11/12/2011 11:48

Hatti yes that is good advice, I had vaguely thought of her being able to leave quickly, but had not clarified my thinking to that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 11/12/2011 11:50

Thanks everyone, good advice as always.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 11/12/2011 22:29

she is 14 right? not four.

so she meets him on her own (you wait outside if you like)

is about her seeing dad now nothing to do with you.

just keep talking to her tell her you happy to answer any questions that arise from their conversatrion

RandomMess · 11/12/2011 22:33

If she thinks she is going to struggle to say those things, tell she has the option to stand up and say "I've had enough of this" and walk out.

Perhaps you could have a lovely coffee and read a book in a nearby coffee shop so if she wants to walk out she can come to you or phone etc.

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 12/12/2011 14:41

Have run it by dd. I am going to drop her, then sit outside and read a book, with my Mac's hot chocolate. Might even have a McFlurry....will see what happens. Have told pig husband that if there is any nonsense, she will be leaving. He APPEARS to be accepting of this, but we will see what happens. Watch this space....and thanks all. Dd is quite comfortable with this arrangement.

OP posts:
Eglu · 12/12/2011 17:37

Good luck to your DD. I hope for her sake that her father does not act like a prick. I also think it would be difficult for her to call him on his behaviour, but hopefully it would be easy enough for her to just leave.

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 14/12/2011 00:02

She is quite confident. Will update you.

OP posts:
MrGingleBells · 14/12/2011 21:43

If there was a 'bro' section on MN, unless there's a good reason, i'd be telling Mr Snide to take his precious daughter somewhere more imaganitive than Macie-D

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 15/12/2011 08:42

I know what you mean Gingle, at the moment it is just handy, is all....

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/12/2011 16:26

How did it go this weekend?

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 18/12/2011 16:51

Not bad at all thanks Random... He actually apologised to her, after a fashion. He might even be beginning to take some responsibility for the shit stuff. He is in therapy, and I am getting emails from him that sound like this is true, not his words without actually being in therapy iuswim.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/12/2011 21:13

How are things? Any game playing resurfaced over Christmas arrangements (I hope not!)?

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 23/12/2011 21:17

No, oddly....he is not staying at the Old Bags mil's. He has seen her today, and will see her next week (dd), but I am keeping one eye open....

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/12/2011 21:27

Smile sweetly at all times and retain the upperhand Grin

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 23/12/2011 21:42

I agree Random Xmas Grin

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread