DD doesnt want to stay with her dad anymore

[fallenpetal]

Help! Ive joined here to hopefully get some impartial advice. Ive been divorced a while now, we parted years ago. My 2 initially loved going to their fathers even though most weekend he was with his new partner because they got to stay with their grandfather too where their dad was living.
His partner is very forceful with a strong personality (total opposite to myself and their father) My son took umbrage with being yelled at and apparently she was running me down at every opportunity regardless of the children hearing. 18 months ago DS refused to go anymore and has very little time with his father even though I have tried to encourage both him going and offering more chances for their dad to have them 1 on 1.
Now DD who is 10 is feeling sick and shakey and cries every time I am due to take her to her dads house, even for brief visits. Ive tried just making her go but I am reaching the point where I cant emotionally do that now. Its causing her sleep problems now which is having a knock on effect with school/home life.

Its been 6 months of upset. /she states its her dads girlfriend she doesnt want to be near because she is dominating and even chooses her clothes for her each day! (I guide but never dictate maybe Im wrong there?) and goes through DD's bag etc - there is a lot more but Im choosing to outline rather than be nasty partly because I dont want to think its so bad!
My problem is explaining this to her dad so he can understand and work on it because its like he thinks I am being over the top and just causing grief because of my anger/hatred towards his partner.(this was the reaction I got when DS did this) I expect there was an element of my worries transferring at first but honestly now I am totally over them/him and just want to get on with him for the childrens sakes.

Am I over reacting? Should I just make her go? How can I get him to listen if I do talk to him?

It sounds like you need some sort of mediation, I am not sure where you can go to get it though!

Otherwise you need to have a brutally honest and frank discussion with your ex, I wouldn't force your dd to go if it is making her ill.

I agree. Sounds like a discussion is needed. Would him seeing DD away from his home, without his partner be an option if you outline the reasons why she doesn't want to go? (I am assuming she does want to see him). You could as her how she would like to see Dad, and relay that to him, would that work?
Don't envy your position!
IMO his girlfriend dictating what she wears and going through her bag sounds a bit more controly than I would be comfortable with. And as DD feels sick, is shaking and crying before contact, affecting her sleep... God no, you are not over reacting.

If it was me I wouldn't try to make her go, maybe help her find a way to tell her dad that she doesn't want to and why, then maybe they can come up with a contact arrangement that they are both happy with, and you can be there as support for DD but not seen as 'the baddy' by your ex?

Hmm, am going through similar but not over the gf, just dd refusing to see her dad due to his behaviour. I am fighting myself with what I should do although we are currently going through the courts now, but heres what I think you should do...absolutely take on board your dd/dcs worries, remember, you are there to protect them and this includes their emotional health. (This is where I struggle, torn between trying to do the 'right thing' by everyone and wanting to stand by my dd) I also fully understand how emotionally knackering it must be for you. I think you need to try and speak to ex, let him now how dd/dcs are feeling and what you/dd wants to do about it. Say you really want to help overcome all this but if he can't work with you (and dcs) then you will have to involve outside agencies to resolve it.

As an aside, I think a ten year old is more than capable of chosing her own clothing and should only be 'veto'd' if inappropriate or going somewhere special, and going through your dds bag is not on...in fact it is a bit weird imo.

Im glad you think its odd her going through DD's bag - I really cant reconcile this no matter how hard I try.
Talking with him is almost impossible as he insists on discussing every aspect with his GF to the point where she tries to control the outcome and accuses me of foul play no matter what I say. A friend has offered to mediate but Im so scared he will kick off as me. DD was I think ok with that suggestion though so we will see.
She is in a totally different world this week knowing she doesnt have to go for almost a fortnight - so sad :( I have tried so hard to accommodate his every wish - amazingly he isnt having his week night this week. Such mixed signals sent out.