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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

DS's key worker at preschool singling out the single mum

15 replies

turtle23 · 08/12/2011 15:49

I have pretty much given up on asking the wise ones of MN as lately it doesn't feel a very forgiving place... but I just need to get this off my chest....
DS1 has had settling in issues at preschool. They are very much against ever being firm with the children and DS took his time getting used to it. He was 85% better in November when his key worker suddenly left and since his new one has started he has had some very bad days again. He took it very personally that this woman left and was in tears about it as nobody at school told anyone she was leaving til right before she left. I have tried my best to reassure him she has just gone on to another job and it isn't his fault.

Anyway...she called me in to talk about it and she immediately started saying well his problems are because you are not with his dad. I said...I find that unlikely as we split when he was 1, it was very gradual and more importantly DS had started at a new nursery two weeks later, had a new brother 4 weeks later and never had a problem there for the year he was there.
Every time I suggest it is more to do with the school being a very different environment to home (if he misbehaves he gets time outs etc and they wont do anything even close at school)she says well you do not have the right support as you are a single parent.
This woman knows NOTHING about me. She had no knowledge whatsoever of my relationship with my ex or what happened between us. I feel like I am an easy target.
The "problems" my son has are along the lines of doesn't sit still, has problems listening. Along with almost every other three year old boy in the school. If he hadn't improved so much before the old key worker left I would have put him somewhere else (though there really isn't anywhere else and it is attached to the infants school he will go to) but I feel that moving him now would be even worse.
Sorry for rambling but I just do not see how this woman gets away with saying these things. :(

OP posts:

RealiTreeCoveredInTinsel · 08/12/2011 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reallytired · 08/12/2011 15:54

That is awful. My son was identical at the age of three and I am happily married. It is called being a three year old boy and lots of boys are like this whatever their family set up.

I think you should complain to the head, her comments not professional. Do you have an concerns with your child's development? It may well be helpful for your son to have a hearing test to rule out something really simple like glue ear.

Eglu · 08/12/2011 15:58

That is appalling. Speak to the manager, she is being incredibly rude and condescending to you.

Original poster

turtle23 · 08/12/2011 16:00

I am pretty sure my son has a bad case of the threes, myself. I asked the GP about having his hearing tested and he said I have a special hearing test for three year old boys. He stood behind DS and whispered do you like chocolate. DS spun around and shouted yes. He said there is nothing wrong with your son, he is 3....good luck to you :)

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 08/12/2011 16:01

Yep what RealiTree said.

Original poster

turtle23 · 08/12/2011 16:03

And she said to me.."When I split with my husband my daughter developped a nervous tic she was so upset. Your son may not tell you he is upset about it but I would imagine all this frustration will stem from it."
He has committed awful sins like hotting a child once who grabbed his favorite toy. Not daily. Once. He tipped out a jar of scissors and a jar of pens because he was bored. Not acceptable, but he is 3.

OP posts:

Original poster

turtle23 · 08/12/2011 16:04

*hitting

OP posts:

Original poster

turtle23 · 08/12/2011 16:09

I cannot bear the thought of moving him. In July he will be done anyway and starts at the big school in September. I feel like I need to stand my ground and find some way of making it work. Am I mad?

OP posts:

RealiTreeCoveredInTinsel · 08/12/2011 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheredidiputit · 08/12/2011 17:53

Sounds like she projecting what happen during her marriage breakup on to you.

Speak to the manager about how they are going to deal with what happening 'during' school time.

GypsyMoth · 08/12/2011 18:04

I would tell her that you have a steady stream of uncles in and out of his life,you aren't sure which one exactly, but you are sure one if them will be his new 'dad' soon!!

Seriously, ask for a meeting and ask her for her evidence.... And do it in front of the manager, putting her on the spot! Am cross on your behalf

gaunyerseljeannie · 08/12/2011 18:25

Its a bit unusual for a child that age to get so upset at a member of staff leaving to the point that they blame themselves. Perhaps your DS is very sensitive, which could be exacerbated by the early separation? You seem a bit sensitive yourself.
Whatever this woman's issues, add her view in with lots of other opinions personal and professional to get a realistic view of your son and why he is as he is. Don't brush it under the carpet with platitudes about them "all being like that at that age." That's as bad a generalisation as hers. He is an individual with individual circumstances. Even if this woman is out of order she may have touched an underlying issue you yourself are actually worried about?
It's never as scary as it seems once you face it ( from the voice of one who knows)
Good luck x

Original poster

turtle23 · 08/12/2011 19:15

I think if I was worried about it I would not be posting saying wtf. Is he sensitive? Yes. So are most of the people in my family.

He had not been in nursery for 6 months when he went to this preschool and the different setup (25 kids he didn't know all in a big group as opposed to 6 in a group at nursery) threw him. His key worker spent A LOT of time with him.
I do not think that EVERY three year old boy is exactly the same. I do think that asking a 3 year old boy to behave all the time is stretching what's realistic to expect from them. What upsets me is that there are more than a few other kids in the class who do not behave...and having spoken to them she has not asked about their personal circs. She only knows I am separated because my ex came to one school thing and told her.

There are better behaved three year olds and worse behaved three year olds. Her job is not to psychoanalyse my son. It is not her place to suggest possible causes for his behavior. If she has concerns she should be referring it. Not calling me in for a chat and accusing.

OP posts:

ThoughtsPlease · 08/12/2011 20:47

If she has any concerns isn't calling you in to talk about it exactly what she should be doing?

How is your son's relationship with his dad?

cestlavielife · 09/12/2011 09:55

suggesting that his behaviour is to dow ith your home set up is out of order. she coiuld ask you open ended - is there anything going on at home we should know about? for example.

so for her commetns she was well out of order and it might be worth a meeting with her and the manger just to clear the air. point out your family situation is very stable etc. that if they really feel there are any issues then you quite happy for them to put them in writing and call in LEA educaitonal psychologist for advice. that way both you and nursery will get profressional opinion. no doubt confirming your position. (but if there are any issues, he will get the support needed/strategies etc )

but it is worth following up as to whether his "3 year old" issues go beyond the usual and whether he needs any additional support/assessment.

also check things like hearing etc. it wont do any harm to take him to GP and make sure his hearing is properly assessed if you havent already - glue ear can make a huge impact on a child's listening/attention and is easily treated.

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