Shared Residence Orders - are they commonly awarded?

[PlainClothed]

(name changed as I may be rumbled)

Are shared residence orders really awarded by a court even when parents are obviously hostile & unable to co-parent?

I'm really worried that my exH will apply for one and get it - I really can't co-parent with him; we've tried mediation, informal agreements, and nothing has worked - can a court really order me to have regular, face-to-face contact with him despite how I feel about it?

P'raps I should add a bit of detail - I was in a state last night!

DD spends 50% of her time with her dad - but he is a bully when he doesn't get his own way about parenting issues - I've never tried to influence what he does when DD is with him - but he gets really pushy and demanding if I disagree with something he tells me to do; he tries to 'persuade' me to change house rules or decisions by withholding information until I do as he says.

I dont want to change how much time DD spends with each of us but, Would a shared residency order require regular face to face meetings, for instance? I'm happy to deal with exH by email, but he says that it is 'emotionless' and wants to discuss even minor issues face to face.

We've been apart for over 2 years, he's engaged to remarry and I'm in a stable relationship .

court order unlikely to force you to meet ex face to face - will be about residence of dd . if you happy with email discussions with him then that should be enough. stand firm.

This is a tricky one. I have a friend who's son spends roughly 50-50 with each parent. The court awarded shared residence. At first glance, this is fair since the dad does have son 50-50.

I suspect your situation is similar and the problem is that the parents simply cannot agree on anything. Honestly if they were put in a room and asked to agree what day of the week it was, they wouldn't.

So all that's happened is the shared order has put him in a situation where he feels he has more "say" in parenting matters and uses this all the time.

The result is just constant squabbling.

Whilst I think usually where parents parent 50-50, a shared order is a good thing. In situations like this, personally I think courts need to favour one parent over the other. It's not fair on the parent whom doesn't get main residence but I do think it's in the best interest of the child(ren). And that afterall is the guiding principle.

Lastly, just because you have a shared order, does not mean you have to meet face to face. If you think you can co-parent via email then so be it. Personally I think for most things it's fine. I rarely talk to my ex or see her. Once in a while maybe. We email most things but then to be fair, most of the time now we do get on...in short bursts. But it did take nearly 4 years before we reached that point.

From what you've said it sounds like there isn't an existing residency order in place and that you both have PR. If so, then a shared residency order is unlikely to put any more obligation on you to discuss minutia than there already is due to shared PR. As I understand it, shared PR obliges you to discuss significant matters such as schooling, non-emergency medical care and similar. You are not required to agree absolutely every little thing.

As a broad rule, and provided there aren't significant child safety concerns, courts tend to regard what one parent does with the child(ren) in their own home as no business of the other parent.

I haven't heard of a shared residency order that insists on regular face to face meetings between the parents. It's not impossible but I doubt it would be ordered unless you have (say) a history of insisting on email-only contact and then ignoring all his emails.

If it comes to court then saying something like "I'd prefer email or post for general discussions as that way there's a record of what is agreed, although of course if there is a last-minute issue or emergency then phone will be ok" sounds reasonable to me.

The more i think about it, the more weird the situation appears - I'm not sure what else he hopes to get out of a court order; given that we have 50:50, unless he wants more than that? The current situation has been in place for over 2 years and DD is settled and manages well.

Maybe he does think I 'ignore' his emails - I only respond to issues relating to practical arrangements; I won't tell him 'how I feel' or justify a decision I have made - most of his repeated requests are to do just that!

What are the main issues? I mean he's got 50-50. Why the need for a constant email stream?

Court action is very very expensive and the judge is not going to be happy at wasting their time deliberating over some trivial matter which they'd expect two rational adults to be able to sort.

i think you doing the right thing in ignoring emails other than those requiring a practical response. his problem at the end of the day. and as dd grows older the day to day should become easier eg dd will manage some of it.

niceguy I'm not sure to be honest - I was invited to an information and assessment meeting with a mediator a few weeks ago and she couldn't tell me what exH had asked to mediate about either!

I have numerous emails saying how "sad and disappointed" exH is with me because I have done something he disagrees with. Things like declining his invitation to share his parents evening appointment and making my own arrangements, not responding to a text within the hour to express my view on his planned purchase of DD's latest gadget, or my disagreeing with his plans for DD while she is with me.

We have very different views about parenting and I have never tried to influence the decisions he makes about DD when she is with him - but I have made it clear that neither will his opinions influence decisions made in my home. Despite that, he wastes a huge amount of time trying to "change my mind" and if that doesn't work, he will withhold information or resort to intimidating behaviour in order to try and get his way.

They all sound pretty petty to me.

He's probably after provoking a reaction and the fact you are not giving him the emotional response he's hoping for is driving him nuts.

Keep doing what you are doing and he'll probably grow tired of it.

You can't stop him from taking him to court but you can laugh at him when the judge rollocks him for wasting his time.

There is a no-order principle, so the court won't make an order if it doesn't change the existing situation.

I'd prepare a polite, general, all-purpose email along the lines of

'Thankyou for your thoughts. I have considered your points and decided further discussion of this matter is not required and am happy with my current position on this matter.'
And send it every single time he sends an email about something petty/irrelevant.

I like Balia's response. Another one is "Thank you for your email. I will give your points the attention it deserves". In other words I'm going to ignore it!

Lol - I love your response balia although he's a persistent bugger - I did send him something similar a few months ago and his response was along the lines of ' I haven't fully explained my position, so here it is' followed by another few pages of discourse on why he was right and how I could compromise my position to accommodate his preferences!

I am reassured by the comments I have received here - I am obviously concerned at the thought of court, but anticipate his behaviour will garner me sympathy as it has done from professionals involved with us in the past!