Meeting Daddy's new Fiancé

[GreenMonkies]

I know this has been done to death, and I apologise in advance, but I'm in a quandry.

My useless ex and I split last January/February, he stayed in the spare room for a couple of months whilst his affair petered out and we had some counselling to help us figure out how we were going to proceed. During this time he "fell in love" with another female friend of his, and moved out, to his mothers, in May. Finally, 7 months later, after a summer of music festivals and romantic weekends away with his new long-distance love, he managed to find a house and move out of his mums, last month. The kids (8 & 5½) have stayed with him once. He hasn't managed to buy any beds for them yet, so they slept on ready-beds on the floor, and he still hasn't got any beds for them. He picks them up from school now and then, but for the most part they are raised by me (and have been for the last 5 years as he's been too busy in his own fantasy world).

Any way, he wants the girls to meet his Fiancé, next week. He's suggesting they all go out for tea together. The girls know about her, he's gushed all his romantic crap all over them, told them they will be bridesmaids at the wedding (planned for 2013 sometime) so her existence is not a secret. He says he wants them to meet her, to know "who she is", but not for them to all spend time at his house just yet, so that the girls get a chance to feel like his new house is their other home too. But, he's told me she is going to be here at Christmas, so how he plans to see the girls and spend time with her too, without playing "happy families" at his I dont know.

But I just feel that this is too soon. The girls aren't even beginning to settle into the new living arrangement of Daddy's house and Mummy's house, and to drop this on them as well, just as they are trying to adjust to his new house is just too much, too soon.

Argghhhh. Bugger and fuck. Bloody stupid men.

i dont see a problem in them meeting her for tea. if he been telling them about her.
it is only tea.

they have only stayed with him once so they hardly living at his place and yours (yet) are they??. they living at yours and have had one sleep-over at his. so they dont really have two homes do they? they live with you and visit dad sometimes. that is it.

be relaxed about it - let them have tea with him and her, dont have them do overnights with them if that would be too much...

yes it may be one in a series of lady friends to have tea with - so be it. they old enough to cope espec as they living with you all the time.

if he moved out in May that is six months - long time for a child. they msut have gotten used to being with just you by now? what do they say? what dot hey ask? how do tehy describe the situation to their friends?
or ask them to draw pictures of their "family" see how they portray you all. watch how they role play with dolls and teddies?

The only reason they don't "live" at his is because they haven't really got anywhere to sleep and stuff. He's not got them any beds (but he has a really nice £250 watch...) and so on. He says he wants them to stay at his up to half the week, but I worry that if they meet her too soon, before they feel established in his new house, that it will make them feel like they don't belong there. That by the time they are spending regular nights there it will be his and her house, not his house, and the kids will not feel like it's their territory. Or something. I don't know. It just doesn't feel right to me, like he's more interested in her than the kids, which he'd deny, but in truth, I think he is.

I think it's generally a good idea to wait before introducing children to a new partner, but six months sounds about right to me. If they are engaged, it's probably better for them to meet her sooner rather than later as she is going to be part of their lives for the longer term. It sounds like he's rushed into this engagement pretty quickly (which is odd as the wedding date is quite far off) so I can understand your reservations.

I would try to insist on him getting proper beds for them at his home if he wants them to stay there more often. There's no reason why they can't settle into staying at his place regularly even if his new partner is there. It must be hard for you, but as children they will probably just be happy to see their dad and to see him happy as well.

lavender they were engaged after 4 months of an online/weekend relationship (having met roughly 6 or 7 times face to face ). So yes, it's all been pretty rushed!! I'm not convinced she is going to be a long-term part of their lives, which is why I'm not sure I want the girls getting attached to her. She lives 250 miles away, runs her own, very locally based business and owns a house too, so isn't planning on moving here full-time for a while yet.

Honestly, I don't think he needs to have even discussed his love life with the kids at this point, certainly not start trying to introduce them to her. When he's with them he should be focussing on them, not telling them all about the new woman in his life. It just all feels as if his priorities are wrong.

cestlavielife they are very used to just being with me. He was hardly at home in the last few years, spending his time either at work or away with "friends" at weekends. Ironically they spend more time with him now than they did when he lived here. They do talk about him a lot, but they think of my house as "home" and us three as the main unit of the family, and he is the one they see now and then.

i think they will have already established that eg by not buying them proper beds, he isnt really interested in them living with him half the time. actions talk louder than words. if he hasnt made them a proper bedroom at his place with beds, toys, etcetc - then they will have already gotten the message that he not that interested . you cant change that. meeting the new ladyfriend is neither here nor there - if he had new ladyfriend BUT had established their bedrrom(s) properly it would say something different. friend's ex left her - first thing he did in new rental was make a proper bedroom for his DD, buy new stuff from ikea, child's bed, toys, etc. that would be "normal". but he aint normal is he?

by the time they do spend nights with him it will have been firmly established they live with you and that is their main home (as it is now) - and it should be long while before you increase from say one night a week to two to half the time....

i dont think you should insist he does anything - he is your ex now. it is not for you to tell him what furniture to buy or not buy - just as he should not be dictating toyou. but his behaviour will dictate what happens in terms of dc going to his....

his responsibility to decide to get or not get beds - but just stick firm and say - if no beds the most is an occasional sleepover, not regular overnights. "sure, they can come to you for a sleepover, from time to time, but as you dont have proper beds for them, they cannot come for regular sleeps at this point in time" and repeat ad nauseum. broken record technique say it calmly.

he will get the message or he wont - his choice. the lady friend is a red herring. they will know whether or not he cares for them, puts them first or not.

i dont think meeting her a few times means they will get attached to her as a "step mother" figure when they spending most time with you? or that it shoudl be an issue really.

i am sure you have adult friends they meet and know and sometimes they move on too, that is life. people come and go for differnet reasons - if you and dad are constant, even as separated, that is all that matters (if dad is not so constant, well so be it)

cestlavielife I've said they can sleep over on weekends but not school nights until they have proper beds etc. I think if they are going to school they need a decent nights sleep, not to be dossing down on a blow-up-bed with a sleeping bag.

"they think of my house as "home" and us three as the main unit of the family, and he is the one they see now and then." that says it all really - with that support and security -well they can handle anything just keep conversation open and answer any of their questions honestly - i had consultation with child psychologist recently and one thing she said was that most improrant thing is to keep liines of communication open, listen to what they saying and acknowledge their feelings - eg if over next year they attach to her and then she moves on -well acknowledge is ok to feel sad about it. cross that bridge when it happens. unless this ladyfriend is wholly unsuitable eg excessive drink in front of them, drugs, whatever then no reason to avoid them meeting with her really...

"they can sleep over on weekends but not school nights until they have proper beds "

exactly.
just keep saying that.

"they can only stay over somewhere on a school night when they have proper beds to sleep in" .

i would chill a bit over this situation. Why shouldnt they meet his fiance/girlfriend? When they are with him is down to him what they do - just because you dont like it, dont let that rub off on your children. Who's to say it wont all work out brilliantly?

I'm with the others here. I don't see the problem.

For your own sanity, step back a bit. I think the boundaries are a bit blurred here, and perhaps that's because there doesn't seem to be a plan, other than the one involving the new g/f...which I guess is what is giving you that unpleasant feeling? So if he asks about having tea with the g.f or whatever - that's up to him. What needs to get sorted is the routine contact pattern, because that is what is important for the girls. How many nights, how many weekends, etc. Asking him to ensure there are proper beds to sleep in isn't unreasonable (although you may not get a court's agreement on that one) so as the others have said, focus on that.

All the rest of the stuff about how often he met his g/f before they got engaged and if she is going to be in his life 'forever', what you think he 'should' be doing in his parenting time etc comes over as a bit controlling, TBH.

"Who's to say it won't work out brilliantly?"
Er, given their dad has left, not shown enough interest in them to get beds, and is clearly an utter fantasist (getting engaged while in ldr with someone he's seen 6 times- I'd barely consider it a relationship at that point, let alone one leading to marriage...), I'd say it already hasn't worked out brilliantly. Greenmonkies, obviously your kids are very secure with you and that's great! Shame he can't be worthy of them by actually making an effort... Obviously this will bite him in the arse later on when they forget fathers day as adults (I know I didn't bother with my useless dad after the age of 16 or so) etc., but at the moment you still have to keep pressing for the relationship with him so they get some dad-input. It sucks that he is so immature, but since he's not actively abusive I guess you have to see it as better than nothing for now. Have you got your own parent around so they get to see grandad etc and are not without (sane) male influence?

Thanks, I will chill out and let it happen.

And Wibble, you've hit the nail on the head!