feeling particularly cross...

[angrywoman]

....and depressed!!

I have been in and out of court with my ex for over 2 years.He collapsed while sole caring for the children (through alcohol). I hadn't realised it had gotten so bad but we had seperated 2.5 years before and barely saw each other.

I thought when we split that it would be ok, certainly better than being unhappy together.

I just read his psychiatric report, ordered by court.

I feel ssoo bad for ever getting involved with him. I was 24, irresponsible and immature. I didn't really know him at all when we decided to keep a surprise pregnancy together. It was later I found out his father had been emotionally and physically abusive toward him and committed suicide. His mother has also caused him big issues. She is now seeking a contact order too after sending me some hideous emails / letters about what a dreadful mother I am. I couldn't trust her anymore, thought she'd lost the plot completely.

I finished a degree in June this year. I am now in no mans land. Wanted to move onto ma, but was too stressed to undertake such a big thing. Looking at continuing next year.

My main problem is, I feel ssoo depressed now. I have been really angry with my own mother too. She criticised me to ex's mum and that helped start off the fall-out. My mum has never had good things to say about me, she's a negative person generally, but particularly with me. We barely communicated before my first child was born. She seemed to overcompensate for my fathers spoiling me with attention while ignoring my sibling. (Dad left us when I was 11). I began defending her to the psychologist who's on the case, interviewing all adults. I said ' she's just a worrrier, she gets stressed at the slightest thing...' then I realised I was defending her for criticising my relaxed (note, NOT dangerous, unhygenic or completely unstructured!!) parenting style to my ex's mum!

I can't bear all this, I am what people call a 'very strong' person. But its starting to make me crumble inside. I mean what if I had not been strong?? What if I just walk away! What if I stay in bed and refuse to come out? I am sick of being strong, keeping going, keeping the pain away from the kids.

couldn't read this and not post, just offer a hug xxxx

for you, sorry for your situation and sorry that it always falls to you to cope

the trouble is you can only take responsibility for yourself and DCs, can't make him change, can't make his mum change and can't make yours change. BUT you have done amazingly, degree!! WOW!

Being "very strong" can be a curse..you feel you have to live up to it, others think you can. Please, please can you find some RL support for you??? can you get some counselling thru' GP? Just to give you somewhere safe to vent, to explore your own vulnerabilities and to regroup for another day.

Of course you could collapse, but you won't feel better for it...you need somewhere to take your pain, examine it and park it for a while. You need support.

But you know this already,

best wishes

Thanks!!xxx Honestly just feel a wreck at the moment.

Have told my sister and my partner (only they know I am in this state) that I will find counselling. GP won't be soon enough, so I am going to look at mind. Its true, being 'strong' is a curse! I look at all that's happened and I know this would have never happened to my sister for example. She cries at anything! Ex's mum wouldn't have dreamed of hurting her. My Mum would never be nasty / negative about her to someone else.

Angry...I could cry for you. I was, and still am to a degree, in such a similar position to you. My ex had huge psychiatric problems, the extent of which I didn't know until after we married. He was suicidal all the time, abused all of us (2 DC from previous marriage, one dd together and myself) not that I'm saying there was abuse in your situation, and I went through a 2 year investigation into his crimes ending in a trial. All this time I had to cope alone. I was so sick of hearing people close to me say 'but you're so strong'...people who really should have known me better and should have known that inside I was dying. My own mother sounds similar to yours...I can remember when my first marriage broke up she went up to the woman who broke up my marriage and hugged her at a family occassion!!!
I don't want to ramble on about my own past, as this is your thread, but I just wanted to say that sometimes I wish I was weepy and needy and didn't know how to cope so that someone would at least take notice of me. Sometimes I feel like a petulant child who wants to stamp her feet and bawl, so that someone could pick me up and take me away from the situation.

BUT...when it all comes to an end, and it will, you will have no one to thank but yourself. You will be so proud of yourself and will look back in amazement that you DID cope, and you DID stand strong where many others would have fallen.

Big hugs to you.

x

Thanks newpatches. There was abuse. My ex was emotionally abusive and also physically a couple of times when drunk. Nice as pie when we started, really attentive and dedicated to our first baby. Changed when we moved from living in a shared house to our own place when baby 1.5 years. It got progressively worse. I joined a womens aid group last year and talked over what he did and continues to do. It helped enormously.
Now I am down about the whole picture though, not just him.
I keep thinking: my own mother just thinks I am a BAD person. Its really hard to see your own mum objectively, don't you think...? My mum called me mad and was afraid of me as a teenager. I cut her out of my life. I only let her back in emotionally after my daughter was born. Partly cos she is good with small kids and has helped with babysitting.
My mum can't keep any stress or pain to herself. She tells all her friends.. (Prayer groups etc etc) People always feel sympathy for her. 'Poor (her name)'. She tries to solve everything by crying. I never felt she was going to stand up for me. People didn't have respect for her. I think I was trying to get her to understand yesterday that just because I have not crumbled on the outside doesn't mean I can cope.

you werent to know what would happen. hindsight is a wonderful thing.
get counselling for yourself.
work witha good counsellor on setting boundaries - only allowing "good" people to be fully part of your lives and keeping the others at bay...
working out what and who you are repsonsible for (tourself, DC) and letting the otherss deal with themselves... it is easier said than done but a good therapist can really help you tru this and find that "strong" person again...