My two year olds father does not want to see her on Christmas Day

[degroote78]

I have split up with my ex but try (on my side anyway) to maintain a good relationship for the sake of our daughter. I asked him round for a few hours on Christmas day so her could spend some time with her and he said no, he'll be going to his 'family' (i.e. brother, sister and mum). We all live in London but it seems he can't be bothered to travel about. He didn't spend fathers day with her and only an hour on her birthday after turning up late. When I explained that his children should be his priority on Christmas Day he said we'll I spent last Christmas with her and basically told me he'll do what I want and to stop getting upset because I'm not getting my own way!! I'm so angry with him and am worried this will carry on when she is old enough to understand and start affecting her. His selfishness just reaches new levels every day. Tell me I'm not being unreasonable as he seems to think I am.

Sorry, I was writing in a fit of anger - should read "he'll do what he wants"

degroote, I don't think you are being unreasonable to think your ex would want to see your DD on xmas day, but perhaps being unrealistic to expect your ex to have the same priorities as you with regard to your DD, given your post. You getting hurt on your DD's behalf is something I went through as well, but now realise that it's pointless, and just causes you stress and upset that can be avoided. Your ex's decisions on how much time he spends with your DD and when, are his decisions, and no matter what you think about them, the motivation behind them, and how that might then affect your DD, they are all his choices. You cannot force him to be the dad you think your DD deserves. You can only be the best mum you can be, and in doing so, any fall out that comes from the decisions and choices your ex makes, will be minimised because your DD has you to make sure she is the centre of your world, and your priority.

As hard as it is to separate yourself from the hurt his decisions cause you because you feel for your DD and how her dad's actions might affect her, you need to leave your ex to what he wants to do, and get on with being the mum your DD needs. Make sure your ex knows he can see and spend time with your DD when ever, but just leave him t get on with things, and you get on with your life. Possibly, the attention you give your ex, because of the things he is saying and doing, is giving him some satisfaction. Don't feed that situation. Offer him the time. Accept his response. Then ignore him until he comes to you for the time he asks for. That's how I now deal with my ex, and I'm a lot happier as a result. My DD is not at all affected by the very limited time her dad spends with her, as she gets a lot of love and nurture from me and my family. She sees her dad every 6/8 weeks, and loves him to bits. But she doesn't miss him, or look for him, and she isn't sad and rejected by his choices. She's got too full a life with me to worry about the life she doesn't have with her dad.

Leave him to his choices, and just enjoy your DD. Have confidence in your parenting as I'm sure you have more than enough love and care for her to make her dad's lack of effort have little impact on her growing up.

That's really good advice and you are right I can't make him be the person he should. Letting it stress me out and affect me is also not good for me being a good mum to my little girl. We will have an ace Xmas Day with or without him :)

you're split up and maybe the alst thing you want is for bot of you smiling thru gritted teeth pretending to be nice to each other - far better your dd has great time with you with no stress of him tunring up!

this is how he is - she will learn to live with it. that is life. get on with yours and dds. if he pops up from time to time great and if not - well you will both survive.

Careful your asking for him to have contact with his child on your terms otherwise your brand your Ex as 'can't be bothered.' I do think there is emotional blackmail going on here. I think you need to ask what contact he would like with his child, as it's his relationship with his daughter and not your relationship. Then see if you can find an arrangements that works for both of you that your both comfortable with. Alot of parents don't see their children on Christmas day, my arrangement with my Ex is to swap each Christmas, therefore nobody has to feel uncomfortable being with their Ex.

whiteandnerdy - He lives five minutes down the road. Seeing his child on Christmas Day has got nothing to do with emotional blackmail and spending less than an hour with her on her second birthday is in most parents books unacceptable. My daughter has two parents, we both brought her into this world, how many mothers do you know who would want contact with their child on "their terms". That's allowing him to cop-out on his responsibilities.

cestlavielife - you are right. I was only inviting him on Xmas Day for my daughters sake, although we do get on ok apart from when his selfish self crops up :) but in general the day will probably be less stressful for me if he doesn't come. I think because I was so badly affected by my dad being crap and coming in and out of my life and letting me down I try to over-compensate and involve him in as much as possible.

do you blame your mother for your dad being crap or do you blame your dad?

Definately him! It was his choice to be how he was.

I'm not seeing my 3 year old dd on Christmas day. Partly because if I was anywhere near my XP's mother I'd probably tell her exactly what I think of her. It wouldn't be pretty. I certainly couldn't sit through 5 hours of pretence.

I am however having my dd from boxing day to New Year and we'll have our celebration with her grandparents then.

Fathers day I didn't care about as it was never around when I was a kid so it's a bit irrelevant. Mothers day I will offer XP the day if there's a conflict in dates.

That said, I'd fight through walls of flames to be at her birthday party.

Hi, I think you've had good advice about trying to stop worrying about what he does and just focusing on what you can do for your daughter.

You are not responsible for his relationship with her, your job is to enable your daughter to have a relationship with him. If he can't get his head around things, that is his problem. Your job is to be a great mum and to make your ex-partner understand you do support contact and make sure you do what you reasonably can to help him see her.

The best thing for your daughter is if she sees you coping with this, and not getting riled by it. Also, don;t stress about this Christmas, at two she won't be aware he 'should' be there, so just enjoy the day.

If i were a NRP I dont think I would chose to spend "a few hours" of my Christmas day at my ex's in order to see my child. I would chose another time when we could be together. Your ex has his own family too - he obviously wants to see them as well. Let him decide when he would like to spend time with his/your child. At 2 she will not even know it is Christmas (or Father's Day or her birthday). I do think you are putting too much pressure into the situation.

I agree with what ladydeedy says.

Your dd is two, so Christmas and the like mean very little to her. Given that fact, I don't think you can really expect to use emotional blackmail pressure to get your ex to do what you want or think he should. Why would he want to spend Christmas day with his ex partner, when he can spend it with his family where he can be comfortable?
Your dd is 2 - there's no need for it!

Ok, bit of background information I should have written in the original post re him being at my house. He chooses to be at both my house and his other ex's house (he has an eight year old from a previous relationship) to look after/see his children as he has a live/work recording studio not a 'home'. I encourage him to take her out for the day which he sometimes does but mainly chooses to be at my house to spend time with her. We don't hate each other and maintain a friendly relationship, but he is a very selfish person and sometimes I do have to have super human patience. There is no emotional blackmail/pressure in this situation, I just see it going a similar way to that of his other child who has had to see a child therapist due to the infighting/point scoring between him and his ex and her feeling let down by him not turning up for important occasions. I am just trying my best to be a good mother and prevent this same situation happening with my daughter. It would be much easier for me for him to take her to his family and not have to be at my house as he is too involved in my life still, but unfortunately that isn't how the situation is. I make this compromise for my daughter otherwise she would rarely see him.