How do your DC's behave after contact?

[froggies]

I think my DD's behaviour is probably not unusual, but just wondered how every one else finds their DC's after contact with NRP.

Have been split for 10 months, DD's (3&6) got to ExP's sat night and sunday, and tues night every week. Most of the time when they come home they behave like spoiled brats. They are rude and demanding, DD1 storms around in a strop if the answer to anything is no, DD2 wails at everything. This evening DD2 screamed blue murder because I had brought the wrong pj's down to warm by the fire, DD1 told me she didn't want to live here anymore because Dad let's her stay up later. All pleases and thank yous are forgotten and everything is demanded.

I know that by bed time tomorrow, they will be back to the helpful polite behaviour that I expect (if a bit knackered) and then it will all happen again on Wed morning when they come home....

I know from experience that there is no point in discussing with ExP, he never listened or compromised when we were together, and hasn't since he left, so he is not likely to now.

I was just wondering if other peeps have had similar experience, and if it is likely to calm down in time? (please?!) and likewise, if NRP's have the same kind of issues during their time with DC's?

My dd does often push the boundaries when she gets home and then if I put my foot down on things she'll get upset.

I think she knows and my ds (2) is learning that the boundaries are different with me than there are with daddy.

Ultimately, they should respect you more for being firmer with them.

I'm about 10 months down the line as well. It would be interesting to hear from people who have been doing this longer whether this situation gets easier.

Hi...I'm 8 years down the line and my ds is 9....and tbh its still hard work sometimes!
He comes home stroppy and gobby....and smelly because he usually doesn't have a bath there!!!
He only goes there everyother weekend but recently he only wants to go there for 1 night and when he does this he comes back 'normal'.

On the rare occasion that DSS visits his mother (her choice btw) he comes back v angry and agitated. Mostly because she spends the time telling him what a horrid kid he is and then she'll cry and shout at him. Unsurprisingly it's not particularly pleasant for him. Then she'll tell him she doesnt want to see him any more. Then a couple of months down the line she'll text him and ask him to go and see her for some "quality time" together and then the circle begins again...

When my two were younger they'd usually come back absolutely bouncing off the walls. Now that DS is 13 he's fairly "normal" when he comes back, but 10yo DD can still be a bit of a handful with lots of pushing of boundaries. I find it helps to stay absolutely consistent while giving lots of reassurance that I'm glad they had a nice time and I'm really pleased that they're home. It usually wears off in a couple of hours.

I think this kind of thing is incredibly common. Looking back to when I was little, I know that my brother and I would be right moody little buggers a bit of a handful when coming back from seeing our father. I think it was partly because when we were at our father's place it felt like we had to be on absolute best behaviour at all times. When we got back home we could let all the repressed expression out as, well, we were back home IYSWIM.

I have heard that using school or a club such as Cubs as a neutral point between the DCs seeing one parent and them seeing the other can help a lot. It helps the children to mentally shift gears from one parent's rules and the other.

I think what you describe is fairly normal, it takes my 2 about 4 days to get over the tiredness and start saying please/thank you again, thankfully they only go every other weekend.

Hope things get better for you xx

It is a tricky one.

For me ( NRP ) on the one hand I don't get to see my dd ( 3) very much in the scheme of things, she stays with me every other w/e. So although I don't just let her run riot and get away with everything I am inclined to go easy on her. I'll set boundaries, especially at her age, but I'll also give her some slack.

If she misbehaves I'll certainly tell her off. If she wants, for example, to sit in the drive's seat of my car playing I'll let her until she gets bored and agrees to climb into her seat. This can cause problems when she's wanting to do the same with mum.

I will listen to my XP and try to agree about where the boundaries are. But it, at least in my situation, is a mine field because I don't actually trust my XP.

For example she'll tell me to only give dd water to drink, and then I'll find out she's giving dd lovely smooties and fruit juices. Hence I take what she says about dd's routine with a rather large pinch of salt.

Unfortunately you can't stop your XH being a dork if that's what he is. I think it mostly comes down to developing good communication and trust.

Can be very hard though.

It is tricky.
I expected a degree of it as we have always had wildly different views on parenting, and his parenting of my DS (15) was one of the nails in the coffin of our relationship.
When DS was little, he spoilt him at every opportunity (well, that's what it felt like) we both worked full time then, his hours longer than mine, so he would often take him out on a Sunday, and every time he would come home with a new toy, telling me how many donuts/sweets/cans of juice he had had, all of which I disagreed with. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with treats, but all the time is not necessary. As DS got older (and more opinionated) these treats, and many others got removed as punishments. Towards the end DS wasn't allowed sweets, biscuits, crisps, fizzy juice, TV, Playstation, computer time, to go to his friends, to have friends over so often it was like a prison, whereas DD's who are 9 & 12 years younger were being given juice, biscuits, sweets, TV, outings, toys...... Still small and cute, no need for punishments... You can see the potential for family calamity!
So now, DD's go to his twice a week. Pretty much everytme they come home they have a new toy, or have been bought new clothes, stickers, colouring pencils etc. They tell me how many sweets/donuts etc etc they have had, every weekend they go to the cinema or soft play or wildlife park, treats which I can only afford v. Occasionally. All of which I pretty much expected, although to be honest I expected it to slow down a it by now. I certainly don't begrudge them the outings, but I know DS finds it hard.
The only time I have said anything was when they both showed early signs of tooth decay at their last dental check up (7 months after we split) and even then I made conscious effort not to criticise, just gave the info but still got accused of blaming him.
Reaffirming boundaries isn't really a problem, tiresome, but not insurmountable. The bit i struggle with is their attitude towards me, DS and each other! they seem to come back full of hate towards each other, and spite towards me and DS. it makes me sad :-(

He sounds like a selfish pillock, but I guess you know that.

He's playing 'aren't I the best parent game' which is massively selfish of him.

Sorry. All I can offer is sympathy and hope someone can offer some better advice. From reading various threads I'd guess as your dd's get older they'll figure all this out themselves.

It really makes me wish there was a 'Bro' section on MN where the men of MN could take dickhead dad's aside and have a stern chat with them.

Lmao. Thanks :-)

On less synical days I think along the lines of ' he is giving them all of the things he wished he could have when he was little' - his parents weren't well off, so missed out on many 'treats' had the issue of hand me down unfashionable clothes etc etc etc.

On more synical days I think along the lines of 'it is easier to parent 2 young girls when your one day a week is taken up by 3 hours of travelling, plus 2 hours at soft play/cinema/wildlife park, then entertain them with new toy/DVD/colouring book than having to interact with them and deal with behaviour at home'

A bro section sounds intriguing, wonder if he would listen to blokes? He really does love his DD's to bits, that I don't doubt, but even after 12 years of living with me and helping bring up DS, I don't think he is actually very good a parenting in a day to day, providing the building blocks of good habits and attitudes for later life sence.... If that was going to change, it would have done in the last 10 months. I am sure the girls will make their own minds up as they get older, I hope for his sake they don't make it the same way as DS has.

Had quite a long chat with DS's dad after school asked if it was possible to change his contact nights so he wasn't at school after. DS used to go Sun afternoon and be dropped to school Mon morning. School was finding DS unmanageable, so I don't just think it's a best parent thing [although it does come into it], more a frustration issue.

DD1 is almost 14. Before and after contact with her Dad she is moody and agressive. She finds contact incredibly stressful. She is angry with him for 'leaving her' and because he teases her until she loses her temper and then tells her off. I understand how she feels as he used to do the same to me. DS (11) and DD2 (9) don't seem to behave any differently, unless they are tired.