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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

The effort involved in new relationships...

13 replies

SaggyHairyArse · 25/11/2011 11:26

The last 18 months have been incredibly draining. I have separated from my STBXH, started dating, my youngest has started school, I've gone back to college and all the while I am managing 3 kids, a dog and a house renovation.

My new man is lovely, I have known him for a long time and he is everything my STBXH was not BUT integrating him into family life is doing my head in! He is, for the most part, fab with the kids BUT he hasn't got any children (mine are 10, 7 and 4) and so he has no experience of managing 3 children at different ages.

My eldest has always been more challenging, he isn't particularly naughty, he resists change and is very sensitive, and my BF finds dealing with him quite stressful. I totally understand as it IS stressful but if I suggest different strategies he could try then BF sometimes gets defensive or is just a bit off hand with me.

To be honest, I think it is just normal family life and it doesn't worry me as such, I just haven't got the energy to be dealign with the 4th child sometimes.

PS. BF really is very lovely and has manned-up admirably to everything, I think he probably feels as if everything he does and says is wrong sometimes because the issues with DS are ongoing when that really is not the case and I am jsut feeling worn down by the accumalative effect of the last 18 months.

OP posts:

JeremyVile · 25/11/2011 11:31

How long have you been together?

Original poster

SaggyHairyArse · 25/11/2011 11:34

12 months, known him for 14 years.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 25/11/2011 11:37

It sounds as though you've got far too much going on in your life - it seems totally exhausting to me - are you living together? Can you not just 'date' and see each other without the children or is that not practical? That way you could get a nice, relaxing evening out, without the stress of the children, renovations, dog etc etc.

Original poster

SaggyHairyArse · 25/11/2011 11:42

We can't see each other unless he comes here as I have no one to have the kids. They go to their Dads after school on a Wednesday but I don't get home from college until 6pm and then have to walk the dog and the kids are back at 8pm. They also go on a Sunday from 10 until 4pm but, again, I have to walk the dog and study, do the weekly shop etc.

I haven't got time for a love life have I?

OP posts:

Ragwort · 25/11/2011 11:44

Depends how much you want to be with this chap - personally I would rather have a quiet break on my own when the children are away - but that's just me !!

Original poster

SaggyHairyArse · 25/11/2011 11:49

He is the love of my life which all sounds very slushy but we dated before I married but the relationship disintergrated after we lost a baby together, we have both held torches all this time and, really, he is just a rather amazing man.

That being said, he could be Mr Right, just not right now :(

OP posts:

JeremyVile · 25/11/2011 11:52

It must be hard to be doing your 'dating' with the kids in tow.
Is there an way you could find a babysitter (afford a babysitting service?) so you could have time to yourselves?
Also, I dont think he should be in a postition where he has to (or expects to) "manage" the children. He is someone you are seeing, he doesnt need to take an authoritative role in your kids lives. You mangae to deal with them fine when he's not there, right? So you dont need him to step in. I dont think him taking on a prental-type role is good for anyone involved.

Original poster

SaggyHairyArse · 25/11/2011 11:59

Not enough pennies to stretch to a babysitter at the mo.

I don't expect him to manage anything as, you are right, I am more than capable of sorting out the kids. My STBXH has done the bare minimum and so I have essentially been a single parent since the word go.

BF is just trying to help and his efforts are well meaning.

JV, if he moved in one day should he not take on an authoritative role? What are you experiences? Do you know what the best approach is in theory? I am clueless; my Mum was a single parent but we never had a step-father and I haven't read up on this yet.

Any pointers would be much appreciated!

OP posts:

JeremyVile · 25/11/2011 12:09

I would just tell him that you appreciate his efforts but you are their parent and his attempts to help are actually just confusing matters. Tell him its perfectly ok for him to just come and spend time with you (and the kids) but to leave the parenting up to you. Do you think he interjects because he thinks he can deal with it better?

If you decided to move in together then I think that would be different, a live-in step parent has to have an authoritative role or it just wouldnt work - i suppose that part of the decision when couples decide of the time is right to live together.

My experience is of having a step-father. I dont remember any major issues with him, but I do remember my mums boyfriends bfore SD came along and massively resented any attempts by them to parent me.

Original poster

SaggyHairyArse · 25/11/2011 12:13

That make sense, thank you. Because we slowly introduced him to the kids (met him at the park, he came and did a few jobs round the house etc etc) and has gradually spent more time with us, it has just evolved into him being here fairly frequently and trying to help me whilst also spending time getting to know them and we haven't spent the time to make the ground rules first which was stupid.

Ho hum, we live and learn, but thanks. I will put my kid gloves on and try and get him on board (am sure he will be!)

OP posts:

elastamum · 25/11/2011 18:49

I'm going to take a different view here. I think you need to discuss with BF what your parenting standards are and if BF is going to be a long term fixture then the children should treat him with respect like any significant adult in their lives.

I would be really put out if my children didnt do what my Bf asked them to and I would expect his teenage children to treat me with respect also. Thus far it has been fine. My boys 10, 12 like BF and his youngest son (15) and all get along well. But the boys do know that they are expected to listen to BF when he asks them to do something.

JeremyVile · 25/11/2011 19:12

elastamum - my reading of it wasn't that it was the children who were the problem but the BF's attempts to 'parent' them. Sounds well intentioned but he is not a parent, he is not their parent and he gets arsey when SHA suggests his approach doesn't work (which also suggests to me he should take a back from the authoritative stuff with the kids because backing up a parent in their paentig is one thing, trying to alter the way issues are dealt with is very much another).

Purpleroses · 25/11/2011 19:40

Can he come with you when you walk the dog? Might be a nice chance to chat without the DCs. Or to chat about them.

Have similar problems finding time to see my DP - at weekends he has his DCs, in the week I have mine, so it's mainly round at mine after DCs are in bed, or with DCs around. We did manage a trip to Sainsburies together the other week, whilst DCs all doing Saturday morning activities

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