Internet dating virgin

[tsunami]

hello singles...I'm not asking anyone out, just wondered if anybody feels like sharing their experiences of online dating? As you'll no doubt know, it's damn hard to have a 'normal' social life as principle carer with school-age kids. I thought about it on and off but never dared do it. Now I have, and set up to meet this total stranger (only lunch, v public place).
I'm an old hand at being on the receiving end of abusive behaviour, now nervous of confidence tricksters, personality disorders, bounty-hunters etc etc - so should be - um - on my guard at least. Doesn't seem like a very good mindset to go on a date. Not exactly positive - or very sexy, either. And what if it's a case of -walk in, see him and search, panicked, for the nearest exit? How times have changed... any good tips from old hands?

I've been on about 5 or 6 internet dates. Meeting in a neutral place is generally safe enough i've found. Just go with an open mind, I know it's easier said than done. Do you know much about this bloke, how many messages have you exchanged? In my experience you generally know within the first 3 minutes if you like this person or not. If you see him and know he's not for you, just engage in polite conversation with him and try to enjoy it, you can always say afterwards thanks it was nice to meet you and leave it at that. Or if you like him you could say that you look forward to meeting again! I know there's a bit of a stigma attached to dating this way, but like you said, it's very hard to get out and meet people being the primary carer so it's a means to an end.. Well done on getting the date in the first place I say!! I find there's an awful lot of timewasters on some of these sites who just want an ego boost. What site did you use? I've had experience of Plentyoffish and Match, but they're all hit and miss if you ask me. Good luck and let us know how it goes, and I do hope he looks like his picture as many of them don't. Enjoy! :-)

slavetomyson - which dating sites do you use?

I think dating sites are a fab way of meeting people, and also making friends, I think it does wonder for your confidence too.
Let me say Iv had a mixture of experiences. I could list them all if you really wanted me too, but let me just say for now, be honest, be yourself. Take every date as an experience, dont expect too much. Alot of these guys will tell you wahat you want to hear, so be confident and be very open minded as I think you paint a picture of this person and could be very disappointed but hay you could also be very pleased.
The only thing I couldnt deal with at first is rejection, and also knowing your kind of up for competition as your not the only person this guy is talking too.
From experience, it gets easier as I said he is in the same position as you, and just as nervous. See it as a few hours out, adult time, and have some fun.
Good luck to you xx

I've had quite a bit of experinece, first with match.com and then the Guardian Soulmates site. I think they're a great way to meet people and nice to be able to start getting to know people whilst stuck at home in the evenings, and also really useful that some of the sites allow them to say whether they mind if you have kids or not, so I don't feel I'm wasting my time with people for whom that's a complete block. Things I would suggest are:

• Don't spend too much time emailing before you meet as you conjure up an image of what the man will be like, and you really won't know til you meet him. So best to meet sooner rather than later.
• Keep first meeting casual and brief if needs be. Lunch, coffee or an after work drink are all good (so you can make excuses and get away if you want to). You generally know within a few minutes if you fancy them, but I've had several enjoyable dates with men I knew I wouldn't want to see again, just chatting anyway.
• Don't start thinking of yourself as potentially in a relationship until you get at least as far as a second date. Before that it's more akin to chatting to different people at a party.
• Match.com is a big site so good if you live in the middle of nowhere and want someone local, but you have to sift though a lot of people to find anyone with much in common with you. Soulmates had a much more educated mix of people. Both have good detailed search facilities.
• Biggest problem I had once getting into a relationship (had two short-ish term ones, and have been seeing my now partner for 18 months) was that it's hard to see the person in context. Unlike when you meet people at parties or via friends, you won't know any of his friends. That can feel odd and make you feel uncertain. Best to see if you can be introduced (even just as a new friend) asap I think. Personally find it hard to really get the picture of someone til I've seen him with friends (and also helps to reassure that he's not in fact married or something)
• Forget the stigma - nearly all my single friends have tried it :) Good luck!

I was on Guardian Soulmates for about 10 months, I sent quite few emails to guys but had only one response. No idea why.

hmmm, don't know what I'm doing wrong. Have been trying Match, but have only had a handful of e-mails. One in particular asked me to e-mail my photo. When I did, he logged off and never got back to me

AmIthatbad - I know the feeling :)

Well, if a guy asked me to mail him a photo I would reply "You first"!

That way you keep the control.

I'd personally be suspicious of anyone who doesn't put a photo on their profile - a) because they might be much older (or uglier!) than they say, and b) becaues they might be married/in a relationship so doing so to avoid getting caught. Perfectly possibly that neither of these are true of course, but when you've lots of people to look at, it's very easy just to search the ones with photos. It is hard to get the guts up to put a photo on if you're nervous, but you may be unlikely to get anywhere if you don't. Try looking at it another way - you wouldn't go to a party with a bag on your head (and start saying "you first" when someone asks you to take it off!) so best to relax about it and accept that people like to have a picture of who they're talking to.

Purpleroses I agree with everything you say, but just can't bring myself to do it.

Re the guy who asked for the photo, I did get him to send his first, and the laugh is that actually though "mm, he's alright I suppose, but he seems quite nice to chat to, so I'll get over the fact that he is not even remotely attractive my type. Then he runs a mile . And I didn't think I was that bad.

So if I posted a photo, then I would probably still not get any interest.

I have no problem sharing photos, with others on the dating site, it's the fact that the photos are available freely to any random internet surfer that bothers me.

And I can just imagine ExP mixing things up, calling me an unfit mother advertising myself (yes, really), laughing because I am still single and he is married, etc, etc.

I need to sort myself out!!!

I've just signed up to a website this week after beng single fr a year and finally admitting I'd quite like someone now. Any advice appreciated! I think anyone who does this is so brave!

I went on a date Saturday! I did not meet him on a dating site, but it was online. We had a fantastic time, had a laugh etc but I did not feel that there was a connection there to be anything more than friends. I told him the following day and that I hope there are no hard feelings. We have mutually decided that we will stay good friends as we really did enjoy ourselves Saturday!

I've been on lots of internet dates, at least 20+ through a variety of sites. I met some nice men, met some howlers, met some married pretending to be single & met some damaged individuals. I only met one who I would have entertained a relationship with but he lived in Switzerland!!!!
Would strongly recommend you meet for coffee, if at all possible - a very brief daytime encounter to see if there is any kind of connection.

Don't make too much of an effort.

Think of a few conversational themes, if you are likely to be nervous.

Tell someone where you are going.
Agree that long email build up can be a waste of time as you end up meeting a projection of a person, rather than the person themselves.
Also agree that you should keep your sensible head on & DO NOT imagine a relationship with your date!!!!!

I was on plenty of fish for few months and fair enough I met a few weirdos. But i did meet an amazing man, bonus is we were both very honest from the start. Chatted online for only about a week before we had a brief meeting. Which then moved onto more intimate meetings and has now blossomed into a fantastic relationship. We've now been openly together 3 months and our kids get along great. And my daughter absolutely adores him and so do I. We've both just gone with flow and been honest to ourselves and each other.

Hey: sorry, everyone, to 'thread-dump': wish I could say it was due to one fantastic date that led to a whirlwind etc etc but in fact the thing got cancelled before it even got off the ground! I kind of lost heart a bit as I'd made arrangements around it but never mind.
AmIThatBad i TOTALLY agree about the photo...was convinced my ex might be spying on me and storing up potential ammunition to use later. I guess at least that keeps things onside Maybe the guy who logged off was a confidence trickster who saw you didn't look like the type he could fleece. Maybe he wanted a page 3 girl and you weren't orange enough.

I feel a bit mixed about going back there, now. Feel like I stuck my toe in the water and it got bitten. Guess you've gotta be thick-skinned.

The site is a 'members' one from an old college network...again, probably a bad idea. I'm a coward. Often wondered about the Guardian SoulMates.
I haven't had much other contact from the site. A few older men saying hello. I advertised once when I was 26 and got literally hundreds of replies...now I'm, er, 46. Think this may have something to do with it!

(goes offstage, singing 'At the age of 47...' luckily I have been to Paris in a sportscar tho'. Or, at least, through it.)

Hi there,

Just seen the topic now.

I used internet dating I've done it for a while.

Most are weirdos, men in particular.

Woman are much more honest.

Will never do it again I had only problem, I am talking about emotional abuse and try to control me when I was ending up the relationship. Lots of desperate people in there.