I can't ever win can I?

[Zacsbird]

I have finally managed to sort out the Christmas arrangements with my ex, without a huge painful row so had been feeling pretty smug. He is having them from the 23rd to 25th due back about lunch time, it's his weekend so have no complaints about this at all.

We don't speak at all, so any out of the ordinary child contact is done through the eldest dd's facebook account, hardly ideal I know. On Monday I read a message from him saying that it was very important that she told me he was planning to have them from 30th Dec to 1st Jan, as he had been making plans for them.

I was a bit miffed that he would just assume that this was ok with me, if I ever need him to have the DD's I have the decency to ask ! So I left it up to the DD's and they chose to stay with me that weekend. We do usually have a bday party for a friend on one of the days and the usual new year party which involves a lot of other kids and which they have been attending for the last 4 years.

When the eldest replied that she had plans so couldn't go he of course wanted to know why and instead of just saying I don't know she mentioned the New Year party.

His response was to suggest that I will be attending this party purely to get 'very drunk' or words to that affect, and if the DD's changed their minds they were still more than welcome at his.

To say I am fuming is an understatement. How could he say that to a 12 year old? I wouldn't mind but he had had them once for New Year in the 7 yrs we have been divorced, it's not even his weekend and he already has them for Christmas eve and morning! I can't even reply, he thinks that I can't see my DD's FB account, of course I can she has it open on MY laptop. He did make some very libelous comments about me last year which I did challenge and caused another awful row.

God it is awful, I feel so tied and not sure what to do.

Never feel qualified to give advice on MN but know what it's like to be left feeling so angry so sharing my opinion.

Sorry that he's caused you to feel awful. I'd be fuming too. DD's chose to stay with you so that shows that they have got a fair idea of what they want and what they think is better for them. Bad-mouthing you to DD is pathetic and upsetting, but I'd been inclined to wait till I was less angry and then decide if his stupid comment is worth more upset.

I used to stick up for myself in situations like this but do you know after being divorced for 13 years from dds dad i have finally given up and ignore the snide comments (well gave up about 3 years ago), i have better things to concentrate my energy on.

Your dd like mine, knows the truth about you and in fact mine no longer sees her dad partly because of his 'bad mouthing me'. IMO you have to become thick skinned about it or you would constantly be arguing and i have found that just fuels my ex's fire.

I know its very upsetting and you are right to feel angry but if you can try to just let it go (i know its not easy) there will be much more important battles to fight in the future i am sure so i would save your energy for them.

I think you are being slightly contradictory here as you start off by saying you are pleased about the arrangements for christmas weekend as he is bringing them back to you at lunchtime on Christmas Day even though it is his weekend. Then you later say that he is having them for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with some exasperation! If he's only had the children once for New Year over the past 7 years then something odd is happening with your every other weekend arrangement (if that is what your arrangement is).

Presumably the children are off for the two weeks of Christmas. If the boot were on the other foot and you only got to see your kids for two days throughout that time I think you'd be pretty miffed and want to see more of them.

Why dont you see it as a positive thing and go and enjoy yourself at the party and have some time to yourself rather than making a battle ground of it. He's obviously put time and effort into making some plans for them. As you said "if I ever need him to have the DD's I have the decency to ask" but it's always more difficult for the NRP who has to ask each time (and in my experience almost always gets refused). Whereas you have the luxury of seeing your kids all the time.

Ladydeedy- I think you might be missing the point. I have absolutely no problem with the ex seeing the dd's anytime at all, in fact I am more than happy for them to go for the New year, they chose not to go.

To give a little more info the ex wanted them until boxing day, meaning I wouldn't see the dd's at all over Christmas, something I have never done to him. It was purely so he could have a drink with his lunch, and not drive back late evening to mine, so we agreed through the eldest DD that they would come back early.

I just think he's got a cheek not asking me and just assuming that his arrangements would be ok, like I said he's never had the DD's over New year, his choice, not mine, even if it was his weekend! It's the insinuation that THIS year of all years I will suddenly turn into a raging drunk at the stroke of midnight that really pissed me off. He was never concerned any other year, has never given a shit before.

But I will ignore him as he is a complete arse and just get on with it!