My 6 year old is controlling the household, please help!!

[gems77]

My daughter is 6 years old and she is ruling the household, can any one help?
Me and my husband separated 18 months ago and I took on too much, full time college and a job and 3 children, anyway I was constantly busy and I feel I have rejected them by losing all routine, as I was concentrating on our future too much forgetting the now!
In a year she has put on weight and she wont sleep in her own bed, her and her sister who is 3 have always needed me to stay in their room until they are asleep but now its out of control, I have to take my 3 year old up first until asleep and my 6 year old sleeps in my bed and I have to prtend Im going to bed also.

Every morning she demands to go down stairs at 6am and she demands me to stay down with her, I feel myself allowing her to do this as I have been so busy and being a single parent its hard, anyway longer story but Im at home now and need to gain control as my 3 year old is copying her sister.
Also she refuses to eat what I make for tea, she want to eat rubbish all of the time, she wont even try the food.
I have completely lost control and refuse to take them out anywhere as my 6 year old will tantrum just about over anything and does not care who is about, and I cant reason with her.
Any advice would be appreciated x

Your use of the phrase "I have to" is not actually true. You don't have to at all. Say no. Follow through with it.

I know this and its sounds so easy, I just have so much going on in my life that Iv allowed this to happen. Im going to try very hard to gain control again.

please go to GP and ask for help from local community behaviour team - or might even be under child and adoleescent mental health /psychology services - they can refer to someone who will come to home and support you in setting the boundaries (much like a supernanny type person) .

how is the 6 year old at school?
is it only at home?

if school as well then educatinal psychology team might also help
if only at home - go to GP and ask for some help from someone to ehlp establish boundaries and deal wtih the behaviour - be very specific what you asking for.

you need to get some help with this and it isnt shameful to ask for help.

thing is it is easy to say do this do that - but without someone to encourage you in real life and support you it will be difficult - you want small steps to tackle one at a time - dont try and achieve everything at once.

so which is most important = food or bed times?

bargaining/rewards for psotiive behviour/star charts etc - she is six you can sit and agree what the reward should be and what she needs to do to get it.

eg two nights in her own bed - two stars - ten stars = magazine or small toy. etc. reward the good. rather than focus on the bad

Thankyou for your message :)
I am actually thinking of the doctor. Her behaviour at school is fine, its actully all good for other people.
Meal times are hard work but bed time is the most stressful. I will try and tackle this first. Its like I cant bargain with her, nothing I say sounds like a reward to her as long as she is in my bed. She gets herself into a panic. I will try again though.
In the last year my focus has been on holding it all together as me and my husband separated, I do blame myself for allowing this to happen.

stop blaming yourself!
you have had a lot to focus on.
let your dd talk - discuss best way with her long before bedtime maybe on saturday day time somewhere - come up with ideas together.

is she anxious about you leaving as well?

do they see dad?

I have to pretend to go to bed at the same time cos she wont settle knowing im going back downstairs.
Yes they stay with him every other weekend. He has a new girlfriend and my girls sleep in her daughters beds when they are there.

One word, two letters - NO. That's what she needs.

Hmm, maybe I'm over analysing this post but I think sometimes these issues can be a little more complex than ... oh it's your fault your too soft, say NO and that'll teach them.

I think you need to understand what it is your daughter is wanting and why she wants it before simply saying 'NO'. I would seek to find what the underlying driving force is for the behavour, then once you understand the childs emotional needs you can maybe create the required boundaries and expected behavour while still giving the child the emotional support their seeking.

My DS who at 11/12 is alot older than your DD so not sure how much of my experiance will help, but he had issues where I needed me to sleep in his room, he was just so unsettled with residency going to court and maybe pressures of a new school.

OK so that maybe not applicable to your situation but some helpful stuff at least I found was.

1/ I allowed DC to attempt to express what the issues are but tried so hard not to pressure him as not really able to express what the issues were. Talked about incidents when things were less stressful/emotional, rather than at the time.

2/ Talked about what the boundaries and expected behavour is, again when things are calm and not being controlled by emotions. Then said what would happen if he can't control his emotions and it's his emotions that seem to be controlling him. Explaining that, I was going to TAKE CONTROL, and in what form it would take, and that I was doing it to help.

3/ Then when I did need to TAKE CONTROL I attempted to as best as possible do what I said would happen.

4/ Finally talked about how it felt when I did TAKE CONTROL and if anything could be improved for next time they need help. Either things they could have done differently or things I could do differently. Again some time after the even when they were much calmer and level headed.

... mehh but what do I know ...

I know she's fine at school but can they offer any help? Both my dc's have been challenging shall we say and there primary school have been really good.

The bed thing could be partly about her feeling insecure. I would tackle the food thing first and perhaps with the bed time thing I would do the you going to lay with her for 2 minutes every 5 mins and then lengthening the gaps etc.

One of the things we did come up with for getting to sleep in his own room without me was a system where at bed time he could spend no more than 10 mins with me, just one on one, talking playing cards watching T.V. it was his choice to try and find something that he felt he needed from that 1 on 1 time. Then after 10 mins he would have to try for at least 30 mins to get to sleep on his own, if he was still awake or he woke back up or just for whatever reasons needed to talk with me after more than about half an hour, again he could have another 10 mins to talk, or have a game of cards just another 10 mins of one on one time. But I had to be very strict at times, to say no you've had your 10 mins that means you have to try for half an hour to get some sleep.

Thanks guys for the recent posts, much appreciated.
Iv tryed to seek the underlying problems, if it was recent me and her dad splitting I would of said it might of been that, or even me being out of the house alot, but its been 18 months since our split and as for being out of the house, I have been for the last year but circumstances have changed and Im home alot more now. I ask her and she says shes scared, and of what she cant say. I reassure her so much, but Iv now said quite firmly that Im going to get charts and theyboth sleep in their own beds for 7 night and then get a reward. This seemed to go down ok, we will see tomorrow night when they are home from their dads.
Im going to see her teacher next week for parents evening so I will mention it to her also.
Thanks so much for your time and your advice :) x

It sounds like she is just waiting for you to set some boundaries.

My dd (5yo) was a pain over the summer hols and throwing paddies over little things, eventually during one tantrum I began to take her toys away, after the 6th toy went she began to get the message. She didn't get any back until I saw an improvement in her behaviour. It worked and I think it was almost like dd was waiting for me to take control.

You are the grown up, but a routine in place and stick to it, don't get into debates or discussions - just say how it is and then don't negotiate, don't be afraid of the tantrums - she is using them as a weapon to get you to back down!!

At the same time make sure you are putting aside protected one on one quality time with your dd so that she is getting the positive attention as well.

FWIWs worth I have one dd and find it hard work so times that by 3 I take my hat off to you!!!

Gems77, I can understand a little of what you are going through. I've only got 1 6yr old DD, and find her hard work at times myself. I went through a really hard time with my DD when my ex moved out, and our routine changed. I was used to getting help in the mornings getting us both ready, and really struggled with establishing a new routine. I went on a parenting course and it really helped. I got details from a leaflet at DD's nursery (she was 3 when he left) and it made me see where I wasn't being firm enough, where I was going wrong. Our morning routine changed again when she started school last August, and the things I learned from my parenting course helped make that a bit easier on us both. She still pushes her luck, but I am more firm as I can't afford to be late all the time!

Bedtimes, again, I made things worse about a year after ex left, in taking DD into my bed when she was too big for her cot bed, and I didn't have the cash to buy a new big girl bed for her. She went from a child that never slept in my bed unless really ill, to one I couldn't get out of my bed! She still wants to sleep in my bed, but the compromise I have with her now is that she doesn't sleep in my bed on a school night. The w/e is slowly getting less and less. It's hard, and my DD behaves in the exact same way as yours does, but I don't have the added stress of 2 other children to deal with or worry about. I have been really strict more recently as her tantrums were getting out of control, high pitch screaming, speaking to me in a horrible way, and just being generally unpleasant. I put her in her bed for 5 mins/10 mins every time she kicks off, and she isn't allowed out until she's calmed down and stopped kicking off. She gets cuddles when she asks for them (as she works herself up when she starts, usually when I'm trying to get her to stop her tantrum) but she doesn't get out of her bed until she has calmed down, and we've had a chat about why her behaviour isn't acceptable. It is a slow process but she is getting better. The tantrums are getting less out of control, and not lasting as long. But, she's 6, she's just reached that stage where she seems to old to be behaving that way, but regressing to that behaviour when she gets angry with me!

I really would recommend trying a parenting course, it really helped me, and I'm sure it would help you too.

Thanks for your messages :)
Yes I definitely need to gain this control, and try and have one to one with her as I think as i have 2 other children I havnt really praised her good behaviour enough.
I will definitely look into that parenting course, didnt even know they existed.
Thanks again your advise really helps :) x