competitive present buying

[workshy]

last yr we bought joint presents, this year we have decided not to

XP has text me tonight to tell me not to buy DD1 (10) a kindle as he is getting one for her

owing to the fact that I do all the FC presents (and yes I know she is 10 but her little sister is still a believer so i have to buy more things, wrap up dressing gown etc as something to open etc etc)

my total budget is £100 for each of them which means their 'main' present from me, at a push is £50, so why he thinks I was going to buy her a kindle anyway I have no idea?

so do I trust that in the long run she will work out that flash gifts mean nothing and it's who looks after you that counts, or do I up my budget and try and comepete?

If you can't afford to compete then don't.
Easier said than done I know.
My exp is a tight arse so I always spend more plus I do the FC presents plus I have him every single night/ day apart from 4 a month!!!
In time your dc will know that u put all the hard work in....material things won't matter

he pays nothing towards the kids and has them 4 days a month lol

I did the birthday parties and all the FC presents -amazing that he can suddenly find money for a kindle

Y doesn't he pay maintenance?
My exp used to control me through my maintenance until last Xmas when enough was enough and I went to Csa.
My ds knows that I support him fully and that his dad is shit, he's 9!!

Just ask him who is going to pay for books for it?

he doesn't pay because the days he has them are the days I can't get childcare for (out of regular hours and can't afford a nanny/au pair) and he says if I force the issue ref money he will stop having them so for what he would have to give me (part time on min wage) it's really not worth the bother

he seems to think books mysteriously appear onto them....

That's awful......he should still pay something surely! Men can be such arse's, that's why I don't bother with them anymore!
Luckily my Exp asks ds to write a list of what he wants and how much he's allowed...he's allowed £80 this year....but ds has asked me for a laptop, a skull hoodie and some skinny jeans!!!!! And I get to but the fc stuff too....yyippeeeee

he bought DD1 n new pair of wellies this week???

to go on the guide camp this weekend that I have paid for

As my exp pays through Csa I don't get extra's but he did buy him a decent pair of school shoes in the summer hols.....but only so ds could wear them at his wedding!!!!! (he damn well knew I wouldn't be buying the shoes for that occasion...infact he didn't even mention he was getting married again)

He sounds like a really vile piece of humanity tbh.

Firstly, he has the children when you're working, who has the children when he is working? You I take it? So why doesn't he feel he owes you that?

Secondly, a man who doesn't understand that one of the basic duties of a parent, is to financially support a child, isn't fit to be a father and it would be his loss if he no longer saw his children, not their's.

Thirdly, four days a month childcare is not that expensive and tax credits will pay up to 70% of that cost depending on your income.

Fourthly, a kindle without a book on it, is just an expensive piece of metal, so I wouldn't worry about competing with that. You might want to remind him that if he expects his child to be impressed by his present, he'll have to buy hte books for it because you're not going to, at least not this christmas.

Fifthly, you don't need to compete with him on the presents front because you are giving your children what they need: love. He on the other hand, doesn't love them enough to ensure that their day to day living standard is as good as both his parents between them can manage and he threatens to cut off contact with them if you pursue what you and your children have a legal and moral right to expect from him. You are so far ahead of him in the parenting stakes, a poxy kindle doesn't come even close to what you are doing for your children. And he's so pathetic, that he thinks he can make up for his parenting deficit, by buying stuff. Some adults are that stupid, but very few children are. And if you enter into that game, you are playing him at his game rather than your's and he will beat you. What he can't beat you at, is your game: putting your children's needs first, loving them unconditionally and not using them as a pawn in a battle with a low-life.

Happy christmas to you and your children.

EleanorRathbone

it's not the cost of child care it's the time -until 9pm on friday and then all day saturday

he is a total cock but the DCs love him so I'm not going to let him paint me as the bad guy as he will turn it round to me not letting him have them

when he is working they are either at school or in wrap around care which I pay for

roll on high school when I'm not paying out £300 a month on childcare

but will be paying it on clothes and hair things and other teenage type things

You have to ask such a question?

It's a shame there's no evolution going on in society, a re-balance, a new way of approaching life, children, Christmas, where you teach the children that it's not what you have, but what you think, what you do.
The pressure is on, for sure, because change isn't going to happen overnight, but there's obviously a sickness in society with all this want want want, she spent, he spent, and it's really not important when it comes down to it.
If I had kids, Christmas would about the food, a couple of pressies, special ones, not necessarily expensive, and nice moments, like going for a carol sing.
This rabid consumerism is stripping us of our ability to live beautiful, simple lives.

He was rubbing your nose in it and showing off by telling you what he was buying.

I don't ask my ex what DD gets from him (shes 2). As far as Im concerned there are two different homes so if she gets double she gets double. I know I do all the parenting, so what if I cant afford a really great present when I keep her clothed, utilities paid, take her to the Dr.s take care of her when shes sick.

I think like most peoples actions can be seen either positively of negatively, usually if you like someone you naturally want to see their actions in a positive light, if you don't like them you'll look at their actions from a skeptical point of view in order to see the negative in any of their actions to re-inforce that idea that you correct in not liking that person.

Maybe instead of wasting time judging people, so we can feel all good about ourselves, we should simply strive to make things better for each other. How about thinking what books would you want your children to find on the kindle, maybe asking if it's possilbe that you could both buy a book each that you could read to/with the children.

Sort of your book with your children can be X and my book with the children can be Y. Or maybe your Ex will want the kindle at his house, in that case simply suggest some titles that will make your children really excited with the gift rather than ... er what do I do with this.

It maybe your Ex has been given the kindle by a friend or got it of ebay really cheap, who knows, but don't just mentally stick a price label on it. Think how you can make your children think wow this is a really good christmas, rather than which parent is going to be most rewarded this christmas.

I think it's a really good christmas present if your children use it to read or you or your ex use it to read stories to the children. I think it's a really poor christmas present if you or your ex think of it's price tag.

agree with whiteand nerdy - just be pleased for your child and think of good ways to take advantage of this gift.

but it sounds like it's just raised other issues and stuff.

"do I trust that in the long run she will work out that flash gifts mean nothing and it's who looks after you that counts, or do I up my budget and try and comepete?"

Why are you trying to compete? and it seems to me from a psychology point of view that you are worried about your ex impressing your daughter and her not liking you gifts?

What matters is that presents are brought. Kids don't think like adults...

totally agree with whiteandnerdy (as usual). You are absolutely right about perception.
When my DH and I took DSSs on holiday earlier this year to the US (I paid btw, not him), DH's ex went on and on about it and how she would rather we gave her the money so she could decorate her house to "make it nice for the children"!! Honestly, we just wanted to take the kids somewhere they've always wanted to go and they had a blast. It's not about competition or making her look rubbish, it's about doing something nice for the kids. I'm glad they enjoyed it. We had a great time together. I wish she had been glad about it but texted them every couple of days moaning at them for not phoning her or texting her as she was lonely, and then when they returned she asked her not to talk about the holiday with her as it upset her. What a shame for all concerned.
Be glad for your child. Maybe you'd rather he didnt buy her anything?