How do you go about leaving

[nuttyone]

Its me that wants to leave. I hate the way he treats me and makes me feel. But the last time i tried he blocked the door and said i couldn't take the children as they are his as much as mine. We aren't married, he does have parental responsibility. I don't want to leave DD 1 & 2 with him. DD2 is still exclusively BF.
Where do i stand if i just get out of here one day when he's at work??

If you have somewhere to go, then go. It will be better for all of you. He can see them regularly, 50% of the time if he wants, bf permitting, but at least you won't have to live with him.

Leaving my ex is the best thing I ever did.

Plan ahead, it is not about storming out of the house with children in tow:

-Ensure you are financially independent. Find a job if you don't have one.
-Find out what benefits/tax credits you are entitled to
-Save money, you will need it.
-Check the housing market, you need to take a very realistic approach to this, there is no point of leaving if you can't afford to keep a roof over your head. Obviously, if he is being violent, you need to leave even if you have to spend some months in a women refuge, but if ignoring the comments do the trick while you find your feet and ensure you and your children will be fine, then so be it.

As somebody once put it... If you have to go, go, but go at the time that suits YOU and your children better.

Can you get him out of the house, rather than leaving? If he is or has been violent, you might be able to get an occupation order ir that he has to leave the house even if he owns it if you are married and it is the family home, a court might see it as in the DC's interests to remain living there with you while the violent man gets removed.

I just walked out one day with my ds and stayed at my parents. Actually New Years Eve near two years ago swearing I wouldn't start a new year with him. Yes he can see them regularly, better if you can arrange a private agreement. I had to eventually see a sollicitor myself due to messing me around issues and I discovered ds when he was 3yo several times out playing on the street while exp was inside fast asleep

It was hard. Exp didn't let me take anything from the house, despite living together for ten years so I started with absolutely nothing. I probably could have fought him for it but didn't want to give him the satisfaction and I'm proud of what I've achieved by myself.

Make sure you have all the important documents like birth certificates, passports etc.

Best thing I ever did too

Could you talk about contact arrangements and get him to go?

you need to poan.

but if he blocking you now ie physical force then get a emergency bag ready and hid so you could flee if you need to with DC.
think where you could go.
talk it thru with womens aid.
make a plan.

of course you can take them - you need to protect them from an abusive man (assuming from his agressive blocking approach he is controlling/abusive)

he will have contact rights of course but depending on level of agression this could be initially in a contact centre

Oh yes, if he blocks doors he's abusive. Please bear in mind that you do not need his permission to end the relationship, you are not his property, and he will not be able to get custody of the DC and throw you penniless into the street. He's just a wanky, inadequate man, not all-powerful, and he can be dumped and kept at a safe distance. Have a chat with WA, make a plan, and if he gets physically aggressive at any point call the police and they will come and take him away, at least temporarily.

I don't know your partner but if he was trying to take the kids, wouldn't you block the door maybe? I certainly would, I would be terrified of losing my children and that may make me a little irrational.

You might not be feeling very friendly towards him but the children do need to be considered very carefully so is it possible to sit down and discuss how you feel and how you would like to split? There are a lot of practical issues to consider especially access to the children and calm, rational dialogue is key to their emotional well being.

If he is abusive, all of the above goes out the window, just get out of there however I'm not sensing that's the case from your post. You do have a responsibility to co-parent regardless of how you feel about you soon to be ex.

If you're afraid of your partner's reaction, can you get someone to be with you when you tell him you're leaving? Someone big and bulky. Moonflit flits though-definite no no unless he's a monster, you'll destroy any trust you have with him.

I left my husband less than 3 weeks ago and i now feel GREAT, i am getting my life on track. Dont worry too much about financial implications. If you get benefits you will need to inform them and change them over into your name and a bank account solely in your name. If you arent on benefits it does take a while to claim them but if you have no money then you can phone for a crisis loan, explain that you have left your husband and now have no money to live on. It is quite a lot of hassle but they will give you some money and you may have to get 2 crisis loans because it takes 3 weeks for child benefit to even have the form on the system, 3 weeks for child tax credits and at least 2 weeks for income support to kick in, but if you havent received any payments by the time the first crisis loan runsout (you will be given a date it has to last you until) then you can reapply for another crisis loan, on the same grounds. I have just had to do exactly that. x

Whatever you do, do not agree to 50/50 contact, actually, do not agree to anything until things have calmed down.

Go to citizens advice, seek a free half hour from a solicitor, anything which helps you know your rights and what he can and can't do. People have some great advice on here but they're not tailored to individual circumstances. Keep calm and do your research on the quiet before you do anything rash, and keep all your options open. Don't let him manipulate you just focus on what you want and overall what's best for the kids. Good luck x

You can leave whenever you like. There is no law in the land that says you have to continue living with DP or that you cannot take your DCs if you decide to leave.
Your DP having parental responsibility doesn't mean he automatically gets contact with DCs. If you go to court to sort out contact they will probably define alternate weekends, half of school holidays plus (eg) every Wednesday night if practical - but that it a long way down the road from where you are now.
I wish I'd left XP (and father of DS) 6 years before I actually did - and we were together 6 1/2 years . It's time I'll never get back and I spent most of it crying.

thanks all. Lots of planning going on. He's not violent. We are very different and there is no respect in our relationship (equally guilty). I feel he is a chauvinistic pig and find his attitude and behaviour unacceptable when we have two daughters. Financially we would be fine as i'm the so called 'breadwinner when not on mat leave.

Would he fight you for the DDs? You could end up not getting residency if he does, if you are the breadwinner and he's a stay at home dad. You might be the one getting alternate weekends and half the holidays.

Possilby not if DD2 is so small, but would take advice first, if you're thinking of leaving and are assuming you'd keep DDs with you.

God what an awful thing to post Purpleroses. Mothers do not lose the right to residency just because they go to work. Nuttyone is asking for support here, telling her this is not supportive at all. Let alone accurate.

Purple makes a good point though, if the OP works full time and the partner not at all, he would be the "main carer". It was something that worried me before my ex and I split, he had been a SAHD for big chunks of time, but actually I considered that I was the main carer still, I made the decisions, organised meals, cared for them at all times I wasn't working whereas he basically supervised them whilst I was at work and did nothing while I wasn't. Thankfully it never came to that and I kept the children with me.

If the OP and her partner both work to some degree, and the OP just earns more, then that is a different matter entirely. No one is suggesting that either parent lose the right to residency as a result of working, just that if there has been a SAHP it may be considered best to maintain that status quo with that person remaining as main carer.

I agree that you should try and get some legal advice based on your specific situation before leaving.

Truly - Look at it the other way around - mothers cannot assume they get residency just because they are female. If OP works and her DP is a stay at home father (which is what she implies by saying she is the breadwinner) and he put up a good case for it, he could well win. It happens! The courts are not necessarily sexist these days. I have a male friend who has residnecy for the reason that before the split, he did most of the childcare whilst his DW worked. And she did fight him in the courts. (Their DD was around 5 at the time)

Not to say she shouldn't leave, and that it won't all be OK in the end - I hope it is for her. Quite possible her DP won't want residency, or they may settle amicably on some split of time. Or as the DCs are very young in this case that may go in her favour. But it's best to go into these things with your eyes open. Nuttyone - a huge amount better if you can leave having agreed together that it's not working out, and with a plan for what to do re the DCs, rather than walking out and taking them with you.