Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

opening pandoras box

17 replies

ladyjadey · 16/11/2011 22:23

DD is 16 months old, has not seen her father since she was 4 days old and I have had no contact with him since she was 11 days old, in hospital with a nasty infection when he announced that he had had enough "you look after her".

So, after a long, quiet time and a lot of internal wrangling, I went to the CSA, suspecting that threats would start when money was mentioned. They found him, he refused to pay without a DNA test (no PR or registration on birth cert) so I agreed and then he sent me the fiest message in 16 months.

He said the csa recommended we do a private DNA as quicker, and that when it is proven he will be seeking access and PR.

To clarify: I never prevented access, he never wanted it until maintenance was mentioned.

I am aware that his claim re private dna is utter BS. I spoke to csa who said they would never advise this and would not accept result. I conclude that the expected scaremongering and manipulation has begun.

If he continues in this vein, what will happen? Will I be forced by the courts to hand her over to a stranger? I fully intend to seek legal advice if necessary, and refuse to respond to him at present.

Does anyone have any advice/wise words?

OP posts:

Loobyloo1902 · 16/11/2011 22:38

I'm don't have experience of the legal side to this but what a charmer! I'm sensing you're anticipating trouble and based on the last contact experience, I can understand that but do take care of yourself and don't let anxiety about his next move nibble away at you. For what it's worth, I think you're definitely doing the right thing.

Hugs xx

Original poster

ladyjadey · 16/11/2011 22:49

thankyou so very, very much! i have agonised over this for such a long time, I was fairly certain this would happen and now I am kicking myself!! I admit I am scared :(

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 16/11/2011 22:51

She is 16 months. He will only be a 'stranger' for a short while

Yes, he will get access...of course he will

Original poster

ladyjadey · 16/11/2011 22:57

Supervised? unsupervised? without pr? for how long/how often? I am not naive enough to think he won't be granted access should he fight for it, I'm more wondering how awkward it will be and how long it will be before he gets bored, assuming he does actually want to see her and not just scare me into calling off the csa or convince them with a phony dna result she is not his responsibility.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 16/11/2011 22:59

PR will be given straightaway, it's a mere formality
Supervised access, yes, for a few sessions. The aim is always to build it up to outside contact and to overnights.

Don't ever mention in court 'access' and 'maintenence' together, judges don't like that

GypsyMoth · 16/11/2011 23:00

Maybe YOU have a think about what is acceptable to you in terms of access, then suggest it?

Daisy1986 · 16/11/2011 23:14

If he wants access he will get it.

I had similar experiences DDs father came into her life when she was 9months old, I tried to introduce him slowly and amicably with 2 hours twice a week at my parents house so that she was in familiar surroundings, we lived there at the time. Contact didn't move on fast enough for him and he kicked off so we went to a Contact Centre. After 6 sessions at the contact centre we moved it away from there and used a soft play centre for 3 hours on one day and a surestart group for 3 hours on another day. On our first visit to court this was written into a contact order. On our 2nd visit the order changed to 9-2 once a week for 8 visits and then to be extended to 8-5. Between ourselves we extended the visits from 9-2 to 8-5 by adding an extra hour to every second visit so that both DD and her Dad could be used to being together and he could het used to caring for her for longer periods. Our final court hearing about 4 months later says that he has her every wednesday and Sunday 8.30 - 5 untill overnight begin. Overnights will be started no later then DDs 3rd birthday in which case her dad will have her every Wednesday and an overnight every other weekend. We also have special occasions etc specified in our order birthdays/christmas.

DD has just turned 2 and the final court hearing was two weeks ago, whilst it hasn't been plan sailing by any means DD is thrilled to see her Dad now and goes off quite happily and comes back happy which is the most important thing.

For very young children it is best to have contact frequently but for short bursts ie an hour everyday as they forget. However if this isn't possible and you dont want to be around your ex then a contact centre is quite a good way to go. It is staffed by volunteers, open once a fortnight typically 2-4pm has lots of age appropriate toys and you don't even have to see your ex if you don't want to. It can be stressful letting your LO go off with the nrp especially if they haven't spent much if any time away from you as my DD hadn't. They do however have long waiting lists and in most cases you need to be refered by a solicitor.

Original poster

ladyjadey · 17/11/2011 07:41

i will be speaking to my solicitor if he contacts me again. i'm not entirely convinced he means to see her, I think he is trying to frighten me off chasing him through the csa

OP posts:

Daisy1986 · 17/11/2011 08:10

Its a good idea to get her to write him a letter outlining contact arrangements and seeing if he sticks to them.

You could suggest you meet him at a soft play centre for 2 hours a couple of times a week to begin with. That he is to be responsible for any costs and entrance fees. You could then stay there but slowly remove yourself from the situation slowly if he does stick to it.

If he isn't bothered he won't bother turning up if he is then she can build her relationship up slowly with him but with you still being around even if you sit at a different table.

niceguy2 · 17/11/2011 09:11

Unfortunately it is entirely possible that he's using access/contact as a way to scare you out of chasing him through the CSA.

But at the same time he could genuinely want contact. Either way, don't bow to his tactics. Let him do all the running. Let him take you to court. If he's got a half decent job then he won't be on legal aid in which case every letter, phone call, application from his solicitor will cost him.

If he does take you to court then as others have said, it's more than likely he will get contact, probably supervised at first. If he sticks to all that and has followed it through to that point then I say fair play to him and he should be given a fair crack at the whip at being a dad to your daughter.

Chances are he's not going to follow through or stick to it. But your daughter at least does deserve the chance that he may.

cestlavielife · 17/11/2011 11:21

while maintenance and contact are not linked per se, you can kind of see that if you expecting him to pay for child then it reminds him he has one!
i cant quite see how you expected to get maintenance from him and him not then saying he wants to see her... you have to give him that chance really.

also if you have not named him on birth cert then fair enough he wants to know he really is the father (maybe his mates/mother etc telling him how do you know she yours anyway) .

if he applies for contact then yes unless you have signficant proven welfare issues then yes he will get contact awarded but you should build up slowly .

does he have a good job? will maintenance be significant? will it be worth it?

yes in one way for when dd asks who is my dad you can say that you tried to get him involved etc.

Original poster

ladyjadey · 18/11/2011 15:53

i expected this, i can't say i didn't. i couldn't name him on bc because he wasn't there. frankly, i'm glad he is not on it now.

In the message i recieved from him, not once did he mention her by name, nor did he ask to see her, or a photo, or how she was. he mentioned solicitors and courts and rights but seemed more interested in frightening me into calling off the dogs than the little person that this is about. It makes me quite sad actually.

OP posts:

Riakin · 18/11/2011 18:15

I take it that as you have mentioned he is seeking a DNA test to clarify his position that there is a possibility you were seeing someone else at the time as well?

Original poster

ladyjadey · 19/11/2011 19:20

No, absolutely not. He is trying to get out of paying is all and that is why he asked to do it privately because csa are very stringent on security taking photos of who they swab etc.

OP posts:

spongefingeranyone · 19/11/2011 20:06

The only response on here that talks sense is from niceguy2. Sounds like this man is only interested in frightening you off. Like niceguy says let him do all the running, as is usually the case it'll be empty threats. I speak from experience of an absent father who likes threats but is too busy with his single life to really and truely bother with any of his kids. Sad but true.

GypsyMoth · 19/11/2011 20:58

That's just your opinion, the truth is a different matter

Singleandproud · 19/11/2011 23:09

I know its difficult but you really need to encourage a bond with her if he shows any interest as it will be important to her. You need to think up an arrangement that you can live with in order to provide your daughter with the opportunity to see her dad. This is coming from someone who has had a similar experience to you and for my own sake wishes their ex would crawl back under the stone he came from but whoses DD now happily waves as she goes off with her Dad for the day.

If he disappears and is only trying to scare you because of the CSA then she will be too young to remember and you know that you tried. But if he doesn't and realises what he is missing out on and makes an effort then, yes it will be hard for you but ultimately your daughter will feel whole as she grows up knowing the two parts that made her. She will be able to go to school and talk about what her dad does, she will have another whole side of family to love and care for her.

I'm not saying its easy to let the ex into both of your lives, it will probably be very rocky and he will never meet your expectations of how he should parent your DD but it'll be worth it.

Flip