Struggling a little the last few days...

[Scorps]

I'm an LP of 4dc - eldest is 9, youngest is 1. Been an LP since 38 weeks pg with dc4.

Just feel like I have a mountain of issues lately - I'm normally reasonably OK about small things day to be, but I just feel like it's getting on top of me. I can manage the dc fine, on the most part, school, house cleaning etc.

I feel very angry at H (divorce will be finalised end of this year). I feel angry it's just me, I didn't plan this, I find it hard with no-one to bounce things off of.

He is currently living in a single bedsit after losing his flat - he has nowhere to have the dc overnight now - used to be 2 nights a week - now none. At first I moved out of my house on the weekends to let their relationship continue and for my (enjoyed) spare time. I'm finding the change hard. He still has contact for those days, just not the nights. He is also seeing them in my house 2 week evenings - I hate him being here. Sometimes he takes them out for dinner, other times I make the dcs dinner and he puts them to bed after seeing them. I know I'm fortunate he has this much contact - just the change for us all has been hard and it will be a good while until he can afford a new flat, he says.

I have needed alot of dental work - I'm seriously phobic and it's really stressed me. That and the fact my parents have footed the bill - I feel so guilty and silly. None of my friends have really been available to have the younger two dc for my appt times so I'm paying a nursery - difficult for me. Worried about Xmas and finances too.

dc4 seems to wake/fuss nearly every night, and dc3 wakes early. dc4 seems to just be so destructive atm - pulling dvds out of the boxes, she got in my make-up box, she puts her hands all over the telly all the time - silly things i know, but I cannot afford to replace things and I don't want to say 'No' all the time.

I feel lonely alot at the moment. Left behind, almost. Angry. I find dating almost impossible - not from lack of interest but they all want one thing only. I feel like this is it, forever and ever. I feel so like a 'non-person' - i was learning to drive but stopped because of an illness, and now i've recovered i cannot afford it again until after Xmas. I would like a small job - but the thought terrifies me, for confidence reasons and also worrying about childcare costs and just sheer logistics.

My parents live abroad and this is the first year I won't see them at Xmas - or my sisters. I think it will just be me and the dc on Xmas day - H will visit them, I'm sure.

Thanks if you got this far through my self indulgent waffle - know it seems all trivial stuff - no-one said it would be easy, no-one said it would be this hard.

Your allowed to feel crap some times!!!!

bringing up 2 kids on my own is hard work and you have 4 and very few breaks. I know what you mean about little things getting to you. I have been potty training my ds and he seems to have got it and then suddenly this afternoon he refuses to go on his potty and wets himself and I nearly cried which is stupid really but these things get to you when you have no-one to share the parenting with and you're exhausted.

I have no advice really, just sympathy. We can't be supermums all the time!

I can sympathise too...been a single mum with 3 ds for past 9 years...I run a preschool in the mornings which I love but also find quite stressful at times...I didn't want this much responsibility in my work but it just sort of happened!!
My eldest is 14 and youngest 9 and although things are getting easier in some respects they are getting harder in others...ie the kids fighting, kids being stroppy and messy etc, I get no free time in my house as kids don't go to bed like they used to when they were little....the eldest two don't have contact with their dad so I've never had a free weekend!!!
But I am proud of my boys and my job....it does all get me down sometimes...like tonight when my 16 month old JRT peed on my ds bed as he sitting on it...no reason for him to do this, he hasn't peed in the house for months...that's when I could cry!!!
Us women are strong and we can manage...there will be good times and sad times

I feel like I'm moaning about nothing - I mean he wants to see the dc, he pays... but I feel angry and I'm so tired, in a like long-term tired way. My eldest 2 (the boys) are good as gold, 99.9% of the time. So is dc3 really, just dc4 is very trying lately, my teeth hurt, I have no cuddles from an adult.... it's a long old road some days.

Hey, we all feel totally crap sometimes. I lurk on MN when I'm lonely - sad but true. One good thing is that I've now joined a single parents network where I live. It means there are people around to go to the playground with and you don't have that feeling that everyone else is coupled up or that they might have better things to do with their lives ... someone is normally around. It has helped me get out of a rut no end. I think gingerbread do groups in some places? Or simply post here with where you live. Other thought is do you know anyone (friend or mum of one of the DCs, perhaps and say you are knackered can they come over? Don't be proud - they might love to potter around with some toddlers if they are feeling nostalgic?

It's so bloody hard sometimes isn't it . I've never found being a LP easy, better than having a mental XP around, but it's still a daily struggle. At least I could leave the house when there was another adult living here, even if it was to get petrol in peace. Now I'm on a hamster wheel of work - kids - sleep..... all the time.

I have a constant battle dealing with my dc's. I want to do more reading / maths with 5yo DS but 3yo DD is a little pest and disrupts everything.

Have you seen your GP and got blood tests to make sure there's nothing physically wrong? I'm burnt out most days but my lovely GP tested me for everything just in case (liver, thyroid, iron levels etc).

I live in very West Cornwall and to my knowledge there are no groups like that here - I know alot of single mums, but I feel i've almost exhausted my people to RL moan to - apparently it's all supposed to be OK by now.

I've recently been very ill, and all my blood tests for iron levels, thyroid, everything were fine, only 4 weeks ago.

Just a small thing like it's my birthday this weekend (I'm 27 but feel 57, 77) - i want to go out - what about dc? I have nowhere to stay, i don't want him in my house/bed - today i even found he recorded things on my sky box to watch and he has a pair of slippers here - LEAVE ME ALONE

I too feel feel on a hamster wheel of the same, all the time. When will it change? When will i stop feeling angry? Lonely, left behind? I hate that the dc ask for him because it shines up his absence, that he just made all these children and fucked off. I know it's not that simple, but on bad days that's how i feel.

I knew today was a bad feeling day, so we had early dinner, the boys popped to the shop and bought biscuits and sweets, and we watched 'Rio' all 5 of us snuggled up. That was nice. Until dc4 headbutted me in the cheek where i had 6 injections today. And what is HE doing tonight? oh a touch of xbox, maybe a GF, maybe the pub, maybe an uninterrupted sleep.....or even piss! (sorry)

Meglet - I find h/w hard too - like when am i supposed to do it? after everything else is done, when i just want to flop and die? It's small things like that, that make the whole LP thing feel insurmountable to me.

had another dentist appt today and had to drag poorly dd1 (3) with me - no-one to help. Have been up since 2am with her - she has a temp, and a cough, and is very whiny. dc4 went to nursery for a couple of hours whilst i went to dentist.

So utterly, utterly tired. Keep crying. H and I have also had a bitch today at each other. i'm so sick and tired, worn down. I am wondering about going back on AD's tbh. Boys are being good as gold.

How is everyone else?

Sorry to hear you are in a bad place. More dvds on the sofa, a takeaway? Whatever it takes to get you through. Don't spend energy on what ex is doing. He doesn't get to snuggle up with DCs on the sofa and he is loosing out. It's hard but you are doing the right thing; he is not. ((hugs))

I was planning on fish and chips for tea today and sofa DVD's.... they love it.

I know I'm getting the rewards in the long run - just it doesn't feel like that now, it feels like he has it easy. We have sworn alot at each other today.

I'm so tired and sad. I feel like i've shut my world down alot too - I can't even ring my parents because I know I won't stop crying and they will feel bad (for moving abroad). My head keeps going round and round and round - hating him, missing him, will it ever be any better, worry about other stuff. I have a past and recent history of eating disorder and i can feel it talking to me again.

Hi Scorps. You just sound totally worn out to me. I am a LP to 4dc aged 1 - 6 and trust me there are days where I just want to sit and cry! Its seriously hard work at times and so easy to let everything get on top of you.

My STBXh comes over to the house in the evenings too. I also hate it. In fact most of the time I take myself off to my room, so I dont have to be in his company. We nearly always end up rowing. He takes them at weekends as I work and that two days break of no EX and no children is my time, I would go nuts without it, so I understand how you must be feeling with your EX no longer being able to have them over night.

Would you consider Homestart if you havent heard of them, its basically a volunteer that will come round and help you with the house and children.

Where is H's family? Is there anywhere he could stay with the kids, at his parents maybe or a trusted friend?

Hi scorps

I have be wondering how you have been getting on.

it is soooo hard (and I only have 2 DC aged 6 & 3)

Sometimes its feels like 3 steps forward and 2 back iyswim.

I think you do need to talk to your ex about boundaries re him recording stuff on your sky.

Sorry you have been poorly. I know that for me its a constant making sure DC are ok, safe, happy etc and I come last which is tough sometimes. I felt guilty for buying decent winter boots for myself because of the £££. But I spend time and £££ making sure my kids are warm, comfy etc so why not me?????

Have no real advice/help sorry (otherwise I would bottle and sell it ) but you are not alone. I have concerns about DD's health which her nursery teacher & dance teacher also raised and feel alone having to deal with it

Thankyou both - especially nice to hear from another LP of 4 small ones.

Yes it is always me last, and that's OK 99.9% of the time, but without that definite opportunity to sleep on a saturday/sunday morning, to have that time, go potty. It's hard in my house - it's VERY small and I actually sleep on a sofa bed in the front room, so I have no hidey hole in the form of my bedroom. Hard o spend the time in the bath too - I know theres a door there but I'm still naked and he's here, the DC understandably need a wee at bedtimes, etc etc.

H's 'family' live in Somerset - a good way away. They are unsupportive of me and haven't spoken to me once in 2 years. He took them there last weekend but argues he does not have the financial ability to do it too often (fuel costs) and to pay maintenance. I rely alot on his maintenance and to be honest, don't see why I should give it so he can go away with them - it's not a huge amount for the 4dc anyway and I definitely use it every week, to live. I get no spousal maintenance.

Yes, yes to 3 steps forward and 2 back. I was so tired yesterday but couldn't sleep until midnight. Woke up at 8am (!) today and mega rushed to school.

I've had a Homestart when dc4 was born - she was useful then but I honestly find now i don't ned one - i cope very well with house, washing, cooking etc. It's more the feeling of abandonment, sole responsibiity - it feels like it's ALL my jobs to do, even though H really does want to do homework etc I still have to remember to ask/tell, and that in itself seems challenging for some reason. Almost like I'm admitting I can't do it, when really it's just to lighten my heavy load.

When DC stay with him they always come home with clean folded clothes, homework completed if sent, he feeds them well, takes them out (park, beach,woods), my dc1 isnt biologically his but is included as such... etc - i KNOW I'm being hard on him but I feel he deserves it. We had another mega bitch last night, I was unresonable, he swore, etc etc. It's unnecessary, i know, but feels justified iyswim?

This year dc1 is having a new coat from his GPs, and i bought a 2nd hand Boden one for dc3. dc4 had dc3s coat from last year. dc2 still fits. Mum rang last night and i said i was worried about the money i borrowed and dentist fees but she said DO NOT WORRY we will talk after xmas about repayment and said dentist is a 'gift' anyway, just don't expect the requested leopard print heels for Xmas! I can live with that. There was a half price toy sale in Argos this week and i got dc3 a Fur Real Friends dog for £29.99. I also got stocking chocolates - 4 packs for £2.

Slightly more 'alive' today.

:( Really bad evening. H text me, he's getting back with his ex GF. He is currently telling me I'm ugly and he is not attracted to me, despite us even sleeping together just 3 weeks ago. I just don't understand.

sorry scorps

You know deep down he is being a twat and should not be telling you these things (him getting back with ex and what he thinks about you as you know iys not true)

But tbh for your self preservation I think you should stop sleeping with him as its making it hard to move on

Hope tomorrow is better....

I am never doing it again; i knew it was bad for me, really, but when that person says they love you and things it's difficult. I spent last night being told I'm ugly, that he never enjoyed our sex life, that he often 'faked it'. I asked why did he keep coming back for more, why did we have such a regular sex life, why would he say all the compliments if it was really that unsatisfactory? He said to try to make himself him like me because of the children. He was mocking me. laughing via texts at me. Actually laughing. I feel broken today. I'm supposed to go out tonight for my birthday. I have told him not to come here today - I feel almost emotionally abused. My friend said he's lashing out - but why use that, that one precious thing, the one thing we always used to enjoy? He knows i never feel pretty and have body issues (i have an eating disorder, that comes and goes), he always said i was beautiful. I do not understand.

I know him not seeing the dc this weekend is wrong but i feel broken by what he's done and feel i need those babies near me, to make a nest almost. To see and feel what's important. I feel threatened by him, not physically, but I still do.

Hi Scorps, Have just read your thread and I really feel for you. I'm in a similar-ish position to you, and lots of what you said sounded so familiar. My advice (for what it's worth!) is that you REALLY need to detach from your ex. He IS emotionally abusing you. He needs to see the kids away from your house, you need to never sleep with him again. The things that have saved my sanity throughout this horrible time in my life have been a) detaching from ex, I decided (quite some time ago now), that enough was enough. He is not welcome in my house, I barely talk to him now and it is so much better. It still hurts but it means that I don't get dragged into his nonsense. It also helps me to really start accepting that it is OVER. It is just not possible to do this while you still have that person in your life. b) put your needs as equally important to the childrens, yes they need to see him, but not at the expense of your sanity. He can see them elsewhere, you must get some space to yourself. Are you claiming all the benefits you are entitled to? Don't let him blackmail you with all his boo hoo money bullshit. c) I go to college, its a course that means that I still get all the benefits, but it means that i am working towards a future career, I meet new people, I have a focus in my life other than thinking about my failed marriage. It honestly keeps me sane, and the college pays 85% of childcare costs plus other costs.

Anyway, I hope any of that helps. I know just what you mean about the anger and hurt at being 'left behind', at your ex having kids with you and then fucking off, and the fact that you feel threatened by him. This is because he is a toxic, damaging person to you now, you need to cut him out. This doesn't mean stopping his access to your kids, but it does mean cutting his access to you.

Sending you a huge hug because you sound exhausted and abused by this 'man' and I really know how that feels. It will get better, you just need to start the very necessary process of detaching. HUG x

Had a really good birthday night out, lots of presents from friends, nice cards and things. Feeling better today, a bit. He hasn't text me since 3pm yesterday which is nice. My sisters and my friends are really helping me to see he is trying to do what he can to hurt me. My sister said she can be here for child handover when needed. I have the solicitors tomorrow too. Doctors on thursday and i think I'm going to ask for some counselling too. I have been emotionally abused for years.

I'm going to return to Uni in September, when i have passed my driving test. It helped me before. He used to tell me i'd never finish it. He once kicked all my books over whilst i was doing an assignment. I was once encouraged by my college tutor to sit the medicine entry exams, but he said i'd never pass, never do it, i wouldn't be able to keep up - so i had another baby instead. Wasted opportunity.

Well done you. BTW you are never too late to go into medicine, there are routes for mature students, or into nursing / occupational therapy / speech therapy and a load of other things. Mature students are really valued for their life experience and empathy etc etc.

Glad you had a good birthday and are feeling a bit stronger.

Totally agree with amicable, you need to get him out of your house - leaving his slippers and using your skybox FFS, what a cheek. He needs to sort his flat situation out.

He is saying those horrible things because he knows it will hurt you. You have to only discuss things relating to the dc and contact, so he does not have an opportunity to get at you. I know its hard but don't give him another chance to hurt you.

I found counselling has really helped me and I am a lot calmer and stronger now.
Uni is also a great way to meet new people and build your confidence.

Glad to hear you had a nice birthday. (I have just looked at your profile btw and you are gorgeous IMHO)

Thankyou both - rough night with dc4 - she seems to have caught dc3's bug. Yawny times.

Went to solicitors today, they are writing to him. I have decided to cut him out entirely and will only text/contact if for some reason contact has to change or if DC very ill. He will be told via solicitor to not contact me, to get school information etc himself. He will also be told that GF is to not see DC for a length of time to prove the stability in their relationship - they have split up twice already. He is being told no overnights until he had his own accommodation but i am happy for contact at paternal grandparents. Also being told about abuse via phones and that i have no need to be informed his GF has his email passwords etc - or indeed i do not need to be informed of their relationship. He has been told to stop texting my sister and my friend too, and also to increase maintenance by £20 p/w as he is no longer having them overnight. He will also be informed that i wish his and the childrens relationship to continue with their wellbeing being put first.

My uni course is 2/3 completed already, i enjoy that and feel i cannot do medicine anymore - too many DC to consider!

He has text me 3 times today to ask to see dc. Solicitor said to just text back '5.20pm today' and that's it. I'm too worried to do that yet, hoping it doesn't open up al ine of communication. That also means physically seeing him, but i won't even talk.

I didn't contact him yesterday, just couldn't do it. He turned up anyway at 5.20pm, even though previously texting me: 'I'm not going to keep going at u I don't want that I'm going to give u a few days' - and then texting 3 times after that. He turned up and knocked - I saw it was him and just said 'No, thankyou' and shut and locked the door. He left straight away, and has text twice today.

I KNOW he needs to see the DC - I still feel too hurt to 'share' them, after his abuse of me - if that makes any sense. He has been vile before and i have still maintained contact - this time was utterly different and wounded me.

I don't know what to do. I don't really feel I want to see him on any level - but he is (as far as a man like this can be) a good father, the DC have asked today too (it's been 6 days now since he last saw them). I literally even feel I cannot text him.

Aside from that; was up alot last night with dc4 AGAIN. Yawn.

Sorry you are having a tough time.

Is there anyone who can do drop offs/pick ups for you so you don't need to see him??

I think his behaviour is awful tbh, he said he would give you time etc, but actions speak louder that words sadly.

So, i text him. He said they will be going to Gfs house as he no money

i said no then

he said to stop playing games its fine for them to go

i have ignored him

How can he think this is ok for his children? this is their 3rd attempt at a 'relationship'. They have been together for less than a week this time.

what a fucker, obviously putting his kids first then, not!!!!