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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Looking for some examples, contact for 16mth old

18 replies

whirlwindlife · 14/11/2011 15:42

Hi, I'm not after a debate as to how much a dad should see his child.

I have split from my partner and am in the process of sorting out contact (for the record I think a dad is an important part of a childs life).

What do people have in place in regards to amount of contact/overnights etc please?

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SixStringWidow · 14/11/2011 15:47

I have a friend whose dc spend one week at dads then one week at mums.

2 houses, 2 bedrooms etc etc

Everyone happy.

Obviously this can only work when both parents live fairly local to each other for things such as schools and nursery.

Each parent pays for childcare etc for their own week IYSWIM. But split the big purchases and school trips.

I'm not suggesting you do this, but it works for my friend and after seeing how happy everyone is with this arrangement I would consider doing the same if I were ever in that position :)

Original poster

whirlwindlife · 14/11/2011 15:55

I could only just stand being away from him for 2 nights let alone a week . This sort of thing works in school hols for my older daughters and their dad who lives a few miles away but my son is still a baby (also his dad couldn't take a week off of work every other week)

OP posts:

SixStringWidow · 14/11/2011 16:00

Ok, just an example.

I hope you find a suitable solution :)

Original poster

whirlwindlife · 14/11/2011 16:11

Lol, thanks, I appreciate it :)

OP posts:

MrGin · 14/11/2011 16:20

My dd was coming to stay with me for one night alternate weekends at around 24 months. I also took Monday mornings off work to see her, and took any day off where my XP was working ( infrequent ) and my work could do without me.

We kind of agreed 50:50 holidays but given dd's age agreed I'd use holidays as short but frequent. i.e. take a day off here and there and take dd out for the day rather than a week in France.

The one night at mine turned into two within about a month.

So now I have Sat morning and return her Monday morning. I see her at her mums every other Monday morning and get an extra 'holiday' day every now and then.

MrGin · 14/11/2011 16:21

... and I miss her terribly when I don't see her too :(

WibblyBibble · 14/11/2011 16:44

Mine is now nearly 2, but have been seperated since pregnancy so I have more idea about the age group than a lot of people who seem to go on examples of older children. Babies and toddlers can't deal with the same lengths of time between and for contact with either parent that older kids can (obviously), so ideals for school-age children are not relevant when discussing toddlers/babies (the legal system agrees with me on this).

Currently she spends two nights a week at her dad's- not consecutive. She then has the day either before or after that with him, and in between we sometimes do things together (though this depends on level of amicability, and I have not always been able to do it- your own mental health is important too!) We tried to seperate the days about evenly through the week but that proved impossible due to his work schedule (mine is more flexible) so they are not quite evenly spaced. At 16mo iirc she was having one overnight a week with him (his choice too, as he found it very hard to cope with giving her meals and she was not sleeping through the night then), but she was still sometimes breastfeeding then so it depends on that too. Currently she is quite clingy to me when she comes back from his, but I think that is a phase and she is enthusiastic about going to him so have no worries about attachment (to either of us). However we both agree that she is not up to consecutive overnights away from me yet, though hoping she will be sometime over the next year as tbh I would quite like a weekend away with new partner (and tbh I would also like not to have to visit his family just so she can, as they are fucking annoying and mental)!

Original poster

whirlwindlife · 14/11/2011 17:02

Great, thanks for the info that's really helpful. I was thinking perhaps one night a week with either the day after/before and maybe a long afternoon in between. I think he's keen to have him for 2/3 nights at a time every other week but my son's not used to being away from me for that long and (although I know it doesn't count) I'm not used to being away from him for more than a night.

OP posts:

MrGin · 14/11/2011 17:26

whirlwindlife for what it's worth, and I'm coming at this from the other side of the fence, be careful how you put this to your XP. As you rightly say your feelings don't come into this, it's all about your child.

Obviously none of you are used to this yet as it hasn't started . Two nights every other weekend is probably a bit much IMO at 18 months, but the general consensus I received was that at two years old kids just get on with it, and two nights ( although needing to be built up to ) wasn't an unreasonable request.

My dd was fine with it.

If your XP feels you're being obstructive ( and I'm not saying you are ) he'll likely kick off and find a legal route to get 2/3 nights a week.

Personally I'd suggest you say to him you'll build up to 2/3 nights over the next 6 months / year.

MrGin · 14/11/2011 17:28

... sorry meant 2/3 nights a fortnight

Original poster

whirlwindlife · 14/11/2011 17:38

Thanks MrGin, I feel as though the best thing for my son would be one night a week so it's consistent and there isn't a 2 week gap in between overnighters at the moment. Although I do think it would be a good idea to say that in time it may change to every other weekend for 2 nights at a time because to be honest that would be better for me and by the time the little mites 2 I'll probably be begging for a couple of days off lol. Thanks :) these suggestions are really opening up things I hadn't thought of and are very helpful

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 14/11/2011 17:40

At 16 months DS had 2 afternoons a week - 5 hours on both weekend days.XP wasn't interested in overnights which TBH I was glad about because I didn't think DS was ready.

Probably not a great example though because XP seemed to tail off contact as soon as he got a new GF and a new baby :(

Purpleroses · 14/11/2011 17:43

We had one night a week when my DD was that age - 5pm Friday til 5pm Saturday. Seemed to work well. We found a later handover time (ie after dinner) didn't work so well as it unsettled the kids to move just before bed.

We now have every other weekend, but I think that wouldn't have worked so well at 16 months as it would have been too long away from me, and too long a gap between contacts. If your ex is pushing for that, you could always agree it as a long term goal, but push for one night at a time for the first year or so.

MrGin · 14/11/2011 17:44

.. yeah that makes a lot of sense.

Scorps · 14/11/2011 17:47

At 16 months my youngest was staying 2 nights a week - but that had been slowly progressing since her birth (he left when i was v v v pregnant); in a way she was 'used' to two houses from birth. She started off staying an overnight at 9 months - still BF but would bottle accept by then. H was anxious he'd never be able to have her the same as the others - but i kept to slowly for her.

Scorps · 14/11/2011 17:49

Just to add - I have 4dc and yes, really needed the break it provided!

Daisy1986 · 14/11/2011 23:15

My ex only came back on the scene when she was 9months old so different scenario he wasn't interested in being involved in pregnancy etc.

At 16 months we were using a contact centre and had to build up slowly. But now she is 2 she spends 2 days 8.30 - 5pm a week with her dad when she turns 3 she will have a day during the week and an overnight everyother weekend. She is still breastfed and whilst happy to go and seems v happy with Dad she is very clingy towards me afterwards.

From my own point of view I think it is very important to try and keep it frequent and short at their age and is what I would have tried to do had my ex been involved from the beginning. It is better for your DS to spend an hour a day with your ex then once a fortnight type of arrangement as he is used to seeing him everyday or your ex could ring and see goodnight and try and maintain it no matter how many issues you and ex may have from time.

McCharlieMouse · 15/11/2011 13:29

Agree with Daisy that little and often is the key while they are still quite young. Ex and I split when DS 8 weeks and initially he came round to the house for 2/3 evenings each week after work. Sometimes he took him out sometimes I went out! The aim was that we would always build up contact gradually. We progressed to 1 or 2 evenings every week (not overnight) and every other weekend Sat 9-5 and Sun 9-12 - that was probably up to DS being about 19 months. Then the mid week night turned to an overnight and once DS was used to that he started overnight every other weekend. DS 3.5 now and in a good routine 1 night every week and every other weekend at his Dad's. The progression worked well and both ex and I happy with the arrangements. DS was breastfed till 19 months which was the logic behind the overnights.

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