My ex-P is a total moron, but not (sadly) I suspect unique - please help us survive

[olgafromthevolga]

After years of pathetic attempts at contact (only ever on his terms) and general crappy behaviour (to me and kids), my ex has now finally come out and said he doesn't want to see our boys and has no interest in them (apparently it is their fault for being insufficiently enthusiastic when he finally called them for the 4th time this year on Friday).

Now, he really is a total prat for all kinds of reasons, so I should really be pleased that he is not intending to be around to screw them up more than he already has, but I am pretty petrified about the long term effect on them of having no dad. I have no brothers or cousins, so there aren't a whole heap of male role models in the family and I want my boys to have the very best chance they can of being happy and responsible men, and of forming good relationships when they grow up. How the heck do I do that?

Can you get them involved in team sports, or maybe Cub/Scouts/similar? Or there may be church groups, if you're so inclined.

Yes, team sports help a bit. They do play rugby but most of the coaches are their friends dads, and I'm not sure that doesn't make it worse if you see what I mean? We have a male nanny who is great - maybe that's the answer, to just get as many men involved in their life as possible. I am really worried about it though, as I dont know any grown up men who had totally absent fathers and I'm not really sure what the effects will be.

I think all you can do is be honest and open with them, without overloading them with too much adult stuff. The danger is they will internalize a message that they're not loveable or worthy so they need help coming to terms with the fact it is their dads problem, not theirs. It might be a goodidea to arrange some counselling for them, even if they don't wantto engage, at least they will know it is an option for when they are ready.