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Original poster

Another reality-check request

11 replies

NotaDisneyMum · 12/11/2011 10:36

DD spends consequtive 7 nights a fortnight with her Dad - she comes to me after school on school nights, he picks her up from here after work and drops her at school the next morning.

Her school disco is coming up, on one of the evenings she's with him - so I emailed exH and asked that he pick her up from there an hour and a half later than he usually picks her up from me.

He's sent me a snotty email back telling me that he will 'comply' this time, but 'requesting' that I not make arrangements for DD in 'his' time.

Should i leave it up to him to book/arrange these things? I'm responsible for paying for school activities (I get child benefit and child support) if it makes a difference?

OP posts:
theredhen · 12/11/2011 13:10

Depends if he's going to actually let her go to these sorts of things? I suppose technically he has a right to not let her go if he doesn't want to. I know my own DP had big rows with ex wife because she was booking things on his days (which are a lot less than your ex has) and he felt resentful he was losing "his time". Personally I think his ex was right and if the kids want to do it, then the parents should comply assuming it a. doesn't put them out of pocket, b. it doesn't involve a horrendous amount of driving and inconvenience.

GinLizzy · 12/11/2011 16:16

He's thinking of himself instead of his DD. If you're only booking things for her occasionally, then he's over reacting. What does she want to do?

Original poster
NotaDisneyMum · 12/11/2011 16:40

She's almost 11 and sees me after school every day so it's inevitable that she's going to ask me 'can I go to....', especially as she knows I pay for all school activities etc.

I suppose I could say 'it's up to your Dad' but it seems a bit daft for something as simple as this. I wouldn't commit to a weekend event or birthday party while she was with him - but an hour and a half later for a disco she wants to go to seems like a no-brainer to me; just more evidence of his desire to 'control' how I conduct myself, I suppose!

OP posts:
mrscolour · 12/11/2011 22:16

He sounds very controlling and you have my sympathy as does your dd who shouldn't have to miss out on things like this because of her father's hurt pride. It's difficult because you don't want to put her in the middle of these decisions. I've had a couple of times when I've had to say to my ex quite forcefully that dd really wants to do something and I know he doesn't like me trying to organise him but I don't see why dd should have to miss out.

Bislev · 13/11/2011 13:09

I think he has a point. If ever dd has something on during her time with her Dad I would always check with him first out of courtesy that he is happy to take her or change his arrangements. For all I know he may have arranged to do something. It's his time with her, so it's down to him.

Original poster
NotaDisneyMum · 13/11/2011 16:21

Bislev - how do you deal with requests from your DD to do things on 'her dads time'? Do you tell her it's not your decision?

The other thing I suppose occurs to me is that if she asked him if she can go - he's likely to put it back on me as I'm responsible for paying - so whatever happens, DD is left in the middle!

OP posts:
Bislev · 13/11/2011 20:00

Yes, I'd just say that it's when she's with her Dad and we'll need to talk to him about it. In the case of the school disco, I'd just pick up the phone and ring him to discuss it, and if she could go I'd ask if he was going to get the ticket, and if he wasn't I would.

fluffystabby · 13/11/2011 20:08

NADM - that's exactly the sort of thing my ex would do and has done. I've now told DDs to talk to him - pathetic IMO but that's the way he wants it.

Original poster
NotaDisneyMum · 13/11/2011 20:52

Bislev - if I was dealing with another rational, well balanced parent, then picking up the phone and having an adult conversation would be my preferred option too - unfortunately, a long history of bullying, harassment and abusive contact has led to the current situation; contact is minimised and by email only.

Only a few weeks ago, my attempts to involve DDs dad in the selection of her secondary school resulted in a suggestion that I fraudulently complete the form and a 2 page missive regarding the process by which the previous school transport policy could be appealed - complete with details of the number of vacant seats on each school bus this term, which he obtained from the local authority!

A simple phone call about a school disco would evolve into a debate about mealtimes, clothing, laundry and who knows what else - but unless I agree with everything he says, it never ends well Wink

OP posts:
workshy · 13/11/2011 20:57

I also have a crappy ex but if it's a time he is supposed to have the kids then I will send him an email asking if it is ok before I say yes

strangely enough the kids never ask him if they can do things.....

froggies · 13/11/2011 21:07

I tend to do the same as workshy, and weirdly my kids never ask him either...

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