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Original poster

DP moved out, what do we tell DD?

7 replies

Craftynap · 08/11/2011 20:41

Hi

Split up with partner of 12 years last week, we both agree it's the best thing, are talking and it is all relatively amicable (so far). We have 2 DDs, aged just 5, and 1. Looking forward to getting on way better as co-parents than we have been as partners (fingers crossed)

Ex moved out last week but has been around quite a bit - doing bedtimes; is taking dd1 to school tomorrow - we agreed that a 'controlled exit' strategy (his words) would be the best plan.

We haven't said anything to dd1 yet, she obviously hasn't noticed anything is different as he's been here every evening so far (tbh neither have I really, could do with some space myself but hey).

Have introduced the idea of daddy living in a different house (talking about our ideal witchy cottage, I said "ooh, and daddy could live in his own cottage around the corner, you could have another bedroom there") which she seemed OK about, and again this morning we talked about friends whose daddies live in different houses..

Anyway, we have to tell her. Ex says we should just be honest and say that we aren't making each other happy/ getting on, and he's moving out.

I think this will be too much for her to deal with, she may blame herself (too young?) and makes a mockery of our attempt to stay civil and continue spend time as a family now and then.

I think we should keep it simple, practical, and if that involves telling a white lie (saying eg we can't afford to live together) then so be it, she will figure things out in her own time. Obv if she asks any direct questions I will be as honest as poss. I want to be as gentle as possible.

Anyway (Jeez that was long)... any stories or suggestions very welcome

Thanks

OP posts:
whiteandnerdy · 08/11/2011 21:08

I would stay away from white lies such as "we can't afford to live together" you may find the child thinking "oh no it's all the things I've asked them to buy me and all the presents, hence it's my fault." Best to tell the truth but in a child friendly form that lets them know it's not due to them, that they are still just as loved by both parents and both parents are still there for them just they now live in different houses.

froggies · 08/11/2011 22:10

I agree. Tell the truth. But be prepared for total honesty coming back! It will make her sad, but if you guys can stay amicable at least when they are around, the sadness will go and she will be able to have a more positive relationship with both of you than if you were together and miserable.
Good luck!

mummytime · 08/11/2011 22:54

Read "Two of Everything" by Babette Cole to her?

Original poster
Craftynap · 09/11/2011 12:29

Thanks for replies - yes you're all right. Going to tell her sat morning so she's got a couple of days to digest things before school..

Have ordered a couple of books, they should help. Gaaaaahhh this is hard!

OP posts:
Purpleroses · 09/11/2011 19:24

I found when telling mine (nearly 4 at the time) that it wasn't really a case of telling him in dreadful deed, but having to keep explaining lots of little things that would be different. My Ex moved out, like yours, but came round frequently at first. My DS would say "when's daddy coming home", which I would subtely answer with "daddy's coming round for an hour or so after dinner. Then he'll go back to his house", I had to do this for a few weeks before he really understood the change. At 5 your DD may be a bit more sophisticated in her understanding, but one upside with being fairly young was that my DS didn't see anything "wrong" with his DD moving out, any more than he would have done if we'd all moved house, or gone to visit relatives for a week, etc.

All the books I looked at suggested it would be a real bombshell to the child, but my DS just shrugged it off and said that was good as "Daddy says the wrong things and plays music too loud!". He wanted straight away to have answers for the very practical questions about when he could go and visit DD in the new house, whether he could have a box of toys there, which toys...!

So I think it's good if you can have answers to how the practical side of things will work ready for as soon as she asks.

Purpleroses · 09/11/2011 19:27

Oh and to add, I do think you sometimes need to tell white lies in respect to why you are splitting up, as the honest answer may well be something dreadful about her DD, someone you want her to build a good relationship with. Kids have to be much older before they can understand that someone can be a rotten partner (in some respects) but a good person/father in others. So a very basic answer is good. I think I said "We argue all the time and we won't argue if we each have our own homes" or something like that. It's largely been true :)

Sidalee7 · 09/11/2011 19:45

Tell her the truth!! She is 5 - she will work out your "white lies" are just that - lies - and she will feel confused and scared.
NOTHING is scarier for children than being lied to.
My dc are younger and I say Mummy and Daddy love you both lots but they dont love each other any more. Cliche but effective and to the point.

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