How to cope with stepparent

[starsintheireyes]

bit of bkground, split with xp of nrly decade at beg of yr. he met someone 6weeks later(i have some suspicion they had met through friends when we were still together, but cant prove that and will prob never know, wouldnt put it past him though as he had cheated on some level before)

hes not appreciated my feelings in all this whatsoever, eg the kids were introduced to her within a week or two of them getting together, he was then pretty much living with her and left her alone with all 4(one hers) one day when he was supposed to have contact, this was about a month after theyd been together-I knew nothing about her so wasnt impressed, didnt find out he hadnt been there until i picked them up.

fast foward to now, they have our children at their house 8nights a month, this includes the baby(16m).

Recently they took kids away for weekend without telling me, wasnt impressed!

Ive had to accept alot this yr I feel,I am effectively sharing my children with someone who i dont really know and she is effectively "stepmum"(although ive told them i wont be using this term until theyve at least been together a yr, as far as im concerned shes exp gf)

whats normal? how do other parents cope? although the relationship between us all is okish and amicable, i often feel shes overstepping the mark on matters regarding the kids etc, like im co-parenting with her, rather than with exp....

any thoughts or similar experiences?

Ugh, it sounds horrible for you. I'd heard that courts normally suggest 6 months before a relationship is considered 'serious' enough for kids to be involved with it iyswim, but then I went to mediation with ex and the mediator was very dismissive of my concerns about him moving in his 21-yo girlfriend (he's 37- she's actually now moved out again, have no idea what's happening) to be around our toddler. It seems there is really nothing you can do about it unless there is evidence it's physically causing harm to the children. On the plus side, it does mean that he now has no right to be arsey when you eventually meet someone new- though societally mothers are obviously looked down on a lot more and threatened with all sorts of catastrophising about abuse if we have new partners whereas fathers' new female partners are assumed to be fine (regardless the many recent reports of abuse by female staff in nurseries etc). TBH I mainly cope by just ignoring it, and telling myself that the new partner has hardly got a great prize in having a relationship with such an arsehole (and in this case, I doubt he could find someone his own age who'd put up with his crap hence having to find much younger and vulnerable women to prey on). You have to become very cynical about other people's opinions eventually in order to survive as a single mum.

Also, I know it is very hard when kids start to chat about new partner and (hopefully) how great she is, but you have to perfect the smile-and-nod 'isn't that lovely' expression even though it is actually annoying. I'm hoping the kids appreciate it in the end- though what's the chances they don't and end up blaming us for everything anyway as they're encouraged to by our culture? Have to hope, though.

Honestly? Make this all about the kids and not about the parents. If you can focus in on what's best for them, you'll do a smashing job. If there's a chance, befriend her and get her confidence, learn to trust her and like her. If that's not possible, be civil and keep the doors open. It sounds as though you've been through a lot but so have your kids and they have far less control over what happens than you do.

So, putting the kids first obviously, your Ex's new partner is happy to take them away for the weekend and sounds like she wants to be involved... considering he could be with someone who just didn't care for them at all isn't this the best of a bad situation?

She's trying to be involved, which means she cares about the kids... that's a good thing - for the kids. Emotional involvement needs to be separated completely. IF she's "overstepping the mark" it's probably because she's actually trying to have some input - that can only be good for the kids. Maybe he'll finish with her and end up with someone who doesn't care for the kids at all when they are with them - would that be better? Need to focus on the kids...

The stepparent isn't to blame here. Other than the possibility (and you have no proof) that they met whilst you were still together with ex.

So I agree with 007, at least this 'stepmum' is trying to be involved and do the right thing (the best she can). Bear in mind that at the moment she will never do anything which will be good enough for you other than disappear in a puff of smoke.

Give her a chance. If there's a problem from what I've read it's that your ex is one of those blokes who has to be with someone and then happily hands over responsibility to them. Neither of those are her fault. So if you want someone to blame, blame him.

wibbly how on earth is it annoying when your kids talk about liking their step parent!? Personally I am releived that she likes her.

Also, I don't agree about society allowing Dad's to meet new partners and not Mums. The step mum is often villified where as the step dad is a wonderful man who has "taken on" another man's children.

The issue with stepmums becoming (in the eyes of the birth mother) "too involved" is that particulalry where they have their own kid, it may be that they naturally become the mother of the house, the same way that you may have done for your husband when you were together. Does your ex work full time while she is at home? (or some similar set up). If so it is natural that she will be quite involved as she is doing his "wife work" for him. Hopefully that wont mean he shirks his responsibility and that he remains a big part of the kids lives but that will remain to be seen. If he does then great... if he doesnt then all the more reason to be pleased that their relationship with stepmum is a strong one.

You need to put your insecurities and bitterness over your break up to one side and put your kids first. Even if they did meet while you were together that is not her fault. Your husband was the one who made vows to you - not her. And who knows what drivvle he was telling her about your marriage to real her in.

How will they feel if their dad is calling this woman step-mum.. and they are comfortable to as well, yet you are referring to her as "dad's girlfriend"? it's pretty confusing and undermines a relationship that over time they may value highly. A year is a long time for kids. But in any case, what are you going to do? Mark it on the calendar and say "right, it has been one year now so I will call you step mum now"

Emotions don't happen on a schedule. These requests are never upheld in court. How would you feel if your ex could stipulate when you were allowed to introduce someone to your children.

Okay, I realise that they are doing things very quickly - I wouldn't have felt like a step mum after one month (ludicrous!) but really, it's just a title. They're not calling her "mummy" and objecting to it only makes you sound daft and will give you less credibility if/when any real issues occur and they need to take you seriously. "Pick your battles" has never been more apt than in a step situation and applying it will put you in good stead (I speak as a step parent and as a mum to a DD with a step mum)

P.s your ex doesnt need yours or anyone else's permission to take HIS children away for the weekend.

I'm a stepmom to two, with one of my own, and I definitely do most of the co-parenting with the ex. Our relationship would seem really weird to outsiders but it works fine, an I am very close friends with my DPs ex so everyone is happy.

Be glad she is interested and take it up with him if you want/need boundaries. Don't blame the 'wicked stepmother' if you can help it - it could be a lot worse!

Oh, and get to know her if she is willing (but none of this "I have the right to know who's looking after my children" if she isn't willing because, er, no you don't!) at the moment she is the scary stranger lurking in the shadows... in reality she will probably be a lot less scary and threatening.

I'm a step mother to a teenager (argh!). We have a great relationship and I credit her mother with that and I'm thankfull to her for it. As a mother myself I would hate the idea of DD being in the care of someone I don't know. So I appreciate that SDs mother was supportive and encouraging of our relationship and allowed us to muddle along and find our own way. I do most of the 'looking after' when she is here, thats just how our house runs. I don't see it as me taking over her prenting, just life chugging along in her other home.