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Lone parents

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Original poster

Oh shit fuck crap....

15 replies

molepom · 06/11/2011 22:45

I KNEW something hasnt been right with DD (10). Moody, stroppy, gobby, attitude so I just put it down to hormones.

Nope!

Asked her to actually tidy her room instead of just sitting there and out comes a torrent of verbal abuse from no-where. It turns out that the ex has been telling her that when she turns 18 she will be moving out there (Australia) and that I know all about it! WTF? And when was this said? I'm in the same room as they are on skype together unless he's slipped that in when I was getting dressed or on the loo.

Cue massive argument and I had to tell her the truth about her dad. Point out that HE was the one who left, PLANNED it, LIED to us all and continue to do so and point out various things he's said and promised that never materialises...including me giving her christmas presents and birthdays stuff saying it from her dad when it wasnt all so she could have a half decent relationship with him.

I hated watching her heart being broken all over again and written all over her face but it had to be done.

Eventually she even began pieces together that never quite added up before, things he said to her, promised her etc.

Eventually she calmed down and told me everything he's said and promised and I've set her straight on a few things and even went to length of getting various bit and peices to show her as proof. (cant go into what it was but it was needed)

I HATE HIM. I hate him for putting the kids through this. I hate that it's hurting them and has done nearly 18 months on.

She's feeling better now and is sleeping but, bloody hell...if I ever have the misfortune of laying eyes on him again...

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 06/11/2011 22:55

Oh molepom, she has a knacker-dad, a bit like my dd's Sad

I'm too knackered myself to say anything more helpful atm, just wanted to sympathise because I know it's shit how much knacker-dads can upset their dc's while seemingly having not a fucking clue.

That was a very oddly constructed sentance and it's time I went to bed.

Oh - it got better for all of us as dd got older Smile

mjlovesscareypants · 06/11/2011 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

marcopront · 07/11/2011 08:51

Not a lot to say but wanted to sympathise as well.

I think one of the hardest things as a lone parent is knowing we have to let someone else hurt our children because they are the other parent.

marcopront · 07/11/2011 08:53

OK i know the above comment is unfair on a lot of people but I am in a situation where I know DD's Dad will let her down and lie to her. My dilema is do I allow him to do it or not let him have contact which will also hurt her.

whiteandnerdy · 07/11/2011 08:56

Erm, could I just whisper I don't think you handled this that well. I don't know it's only my daft opinion so probably best to ignore the ramblings of an internet nobody.

I get very worried when people 'tell the truth' to young children if the truth is complex relationship stuff. Afterall it'll be one persons view of the truth, selectivly leaving out other factors that they either don't know about, don't want to say or are too adult or complex for the child to understand.

It's OK to say who left who, but does a 10 year old really understand the dynamics of a relationship to understand why people leave, why relationships fail? In my mind all too adult for a 10 year old to understand while who left who maybe the truth but without the adult understanding of the corse of the relationship really does it matter who left who?

In my mind the argument you described didn't need to happen at all. If you Ex is saying that he's going to move to Australia when DD is 18 then what's wrong with saying to DD. That's fine you'll be an adult at 18 and you'll be able to make your own decitions and you may jump at wanting to goto Australia or you may have friends here and want to say, but don't worry it'll be your choice, you'll be empowered to make your decisions.

But as it is your DD is going to think OK my parents are at war I need to choose which side I'm on. Imagine if she chooses your ExP, oh so both parents get paranoid about loosing their child and continue to up the anti .... sorry I'm going off on one ... ergh ... breath-in breath-out ... sorry.

SenoritaViva · 07/11/2011 08:57

It IS utterly horrible for your children to go through this. They shouldn't have to. BUT, once they have, it is good they know the truth, that you no longer have to lie, that they are unlikely to get into a strop with you at 15 and 'swan off' to Australia under the misconception that their dad is half decent (and you are useless/mean/to blame or whatever their teenage brain has concocted). It doesn't feel like it now, but in the long run it is better that they have their eyes wide open and you can fully support them through it and they can learn from your mistakes (in picking such a hideous low life).

mummytime · 07/11/2011 09:29

I think it is important that at least one parent tells the truth, even if it is unpleasant for them (the parent). It is also important to apologise if you get it wrong, and to be honest when there is doubt or you might be biased.

cestlavielife · 07/11/2011 11:35

when she is 18 she can go off to australia if that is what she wants... why was she so upset? did he imply you would chuck her out?

did you really give presents from him which werent from him ? " me giving her christmas presents and birthdays stuff saying it from her dad when it wasnt "

maybe you need another calm sit down chat with her about the lies you told her in past too (because claiming presents were from him was a lie...) and why you did it...

child psych has recommended to me
www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Child/dp/1853407054 re issues with my 9 and 11 year old about their dad

meglet · 07/11/2011 12:23

At least she knows what a prick he is now Sad.

SM007H · 12/11/2011 01:56

^ What a horrible post...?! At least the daughter knows "what a prick" her dad is?! What daughter should know that? Fact is she will be able to make her own mind up when she's old enough and until that time both parents have a responsibility to give a balanced view on things so her opinion is based on fact, not emotion.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 12/11/2011 02:15

If only both parents were giving a balanced view, eh?

Why are you dragging up week-old threads, and "defending" shit men? Is it possible you are a shit man? A crappy parent yourself?

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 12/11/2011 02:21

SMOO - are you on a one poster mission to stir up trouble tonight?

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 12/11/2011 02:24

Molepom - I missed this the other night :(

I'm sorry you've had to do this. I know how hard you have worked to make him out to be a half decent Dad.

The truth is pretty horrible and it's a shame that he's the jerk he is, but as he's continually undermining you and scaring her, then she does need to know that she doesn't have to listen to his absolute crap. She knows you will tell her the truth, so she can trust you.

No wonder the poor little love has been a stroppy little mare :(

SM007H · 12/11/2011 09:23

This is a discussion forum, right? People are posting their opinions? Simply a case of not agreeing with the viewpoint of the OP. Didn't realise the assumption would be; not agreeing = shit man = crap parent.

youllbewaiting · 12/11/2011 09:26

I don't think the OP handled it very well either.

And it is noticeable that if someone disagrees they are 'a shit man? A crappy parent yourself?'

I wouldn't (and nor would my ex) detail the faults of each other to our children.

Why would you?

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