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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Are there any decent men out there?

25 replies

toptramp · 03/11/2011 21:42

Or are they all abusive, controlling, useless, fickle, non-commital arseholes?

Or is it just that all the decent ones are married?

And incidentally why are there so many abusive, controlling, useless, non-commital, fickle arseholes? I really do wonder why I bother with them sometimes. Tell me that there are some gooduns and how do I find them?

OP posts:

lemonstartree · 03/11/2011 21:55

I have a lovely partner.

met entirely by chance and clicked. I know I am very lucky, but kind, good men do exist.

Original poster

toptramp · 03/11/2011 22:10

All the gooduns are taken lemonstartree! I havn't given up yet.

OP posts:

Flamesparrow · 03/11/2011 22:36

Yup, in agreement - there are some gooduns out there. I have two lovely single male friends, yeah they have their issues, but we all do tbh.

MrGin · 04/11/2011 09:29

Rest assured we are not all abusive, controlling, useless, fickle, non-commital arseholes?

Some of us a really quite decent, considerate humans. We just hang out in the woods doing long walks. You'll need some binoculars, a donut on a bit of fishing line, and a large net.

Original poster

toptramp · 04/11/2011 15:53

I know they are out there but where and why do they never go for me?!

OP posts:

bucketbetty · 04/11/2011 20:44

There are some out there - decent one's that is, but there are some ladies (me included) who are programmed to either attract the wrong one's or have barriers so well defended that men don't bother to try to infilrate them. Understanding and welcoming in the good ones is the way forward. God only knows how to do it.

Dee03 · 04/11/2011 21:11

I've totally given up on men

bucketbetty · 04/11/2011 21:16

Ahw Dee, I know what you mean. Don't give up though, just have a break or you'll end up like me - single for over 7 years! My best years gone too. Very sad.

MrFawkesMan · 04/11/2011 21:18

TT, I have a friend who assumes that any man she meets has the personality you describe, and she talks/treats them on that basis. Not surprisingly, few of them stick around to prove themselves one way or the other.

No idea if this is the case with you though.

Dee03 · 04/11/2011 21:57

My last proper relationship finished over 8 years ago....had various little flings etc when dc were a lot younger etc but all men these days seem to be players....tell you one thing then do the complete opposite etc...... I'm bored of it all.....

BertieBotts · 04/11/2011 22:04

Yes they do.

Normally losers are attracted to us when we are a little bit vulnerable... whereas decent blokes will see the same signs and think "Hmm, she's not in a good place for a relationship. Better steer clear."

Normally the good ones show up just when you've worked out how to be happy being single and then they mess everything up again

No, but seriously - it's worth concentrating on making yourself happy by yourself without worrying about whether you're going to have a relationship or where to find a man or whether one is decent or not. Fill your life with busy happy interesting things, future plans, projects, and then if a man comes along you will be so busy with your own stuff that he'd have to be someone really special for you to want to disrupt that. So you don't end up with any losers who are just bringing you down. And in the unlikely event that you never meet any more men ever in your entire life, you'd be happily single anyway. Live for now, not some imaginary future with someone you don't even know yet.

Dee03 · 04/11/2011 22:09

I agree Bertie- I'm a very busy single mum to 3 ds... I don't need a man...after 8 years on my own I'm used to it being all my way
It would be nice to have someone around now and again tho.....

origamipaper · 05/11/2011 01:19

Have dated on and off since becoming a LP 12 years ago, so have met quite a variety of men. I'd say about 1/3 of them were as described in the OP, 1/3 were decent but just not for me, and most of the rest were OK but circumstances usually meant the relationship didn't go any further. So I'd say most men are pretty decent.

I have (finally!) met a lovely DP amongst the OK group and we'll be getting married next year. My advice is to play the long game, don't sell yourself short just because you are a LP and I agree with Bertie that you shouldn't focus on finding a partner but just on doing your own thing. I met DP on a p/t MSc that we were both doing to follow our own interests, so we have loads in common.

missymarmite · 06/11/2011 17:04

Give up. I know it sounds wierd, but just stop looking. Be happy. Enjoy your own company for a bit. Focus on friends and family.

Then, when you are feeling relaxed and confident, join a dating site and just look around for a laugh (nothing serious). And don't go just by people's profile pictures. Sometimes it is a good idea to lower your standards on the physical side, because some people aren't photogenic, but when you meet them in the flesh their wonderful personality comes out and they are the most fanciable person in the world. Read the profile and message someone about something they have written that you like.

I had just about given up hope of ever finding someone lovely. Then I decided I was better on my own. I went on POF for a laugh as I was bored and started chatting to this guy...physically he is not the type of man I go for normally, but he had a great SOH and we hit it off.

Turns out he lived in my neigbourhood and we had many aquaintences in common, but had never met. He is wonderful, funny, kind...Best of all, as we have mutual friends, we know more about what kind of person we are dating. Everyone is happy for us and say what a wonderful person he is. It is early days I know, but it feels so natural, I've never experienced this kind of connection before.

Giving up hope of ever falling in love was probably the best thing I ever did.

happybubblebrain · 06/11/2011 18:59

They are very, very few and far between, I'd say less than 3% are.
I gave up all hope too and I've never regretted that decision, not for a second.

BertieBotts · 06/11/2011 19:01

Less than 3%? No way. If that many of the men you know are bastards, it might be worth doing the WA Freedom Course?

whiteandnerdy · 07/11/2011 11:00

OK, here's a male point of view ... which sounds better to you, an arsehole just simply saying what you want to hear, or the honest guy who's willing to share his feelings?

Hmm .... you maybe thinking you like the sound of the second guy rather than that horrible first one ... but lets see what the two actually sound like:

"Hey your the most fantastic person I've ever met, I really love you so much your so beautiful and I'm prepared to take on the responsibility of your child because you mean so much to me. We are gonna enjoy the most wonderful life because of all the shit of your previous relationship you need to be looked after and your life to be made so wonderful because of all the hardship you've had to endure."

or the alternative

"Mehh, I've seen better and there's load of stuff you do that annoys the hell out of me, but I think I can put up with your bad points, if you can put up with all of my bad points like scratching my arse and watching really crap T.V. all the snoring in bed and maybe me being a bit of an dick from time to time. I'm not sure how I feel about your child it's really hard for me to know where I stand. Our relationship comes with no guarantees, I'm sure to make this relationship work it's going to be hard and things will get rocky from time to time."

BertieBotts · 07/11/2011 13:07

Sounds like both of those guys are dicks, WhiteandNerdy

whiteandnerdy · 07/11/2011 13:21

Indeed, that's the point of my post .

whiteandnerdy · 07/11/2011 13:23

But then again I guess everyone who's perfect in everyway conceivable, should expect there partner to be just as perfect .

BertieBotts · 07/11/2011 13:56

That wasn't my point, but okay then.

Bandwithering · 08/11/2011 12:42

I've given up. Even decent men want, and can expect, a younger, more attractive partner with no children.......... so at 40 with two young children, unfortunately I just accept that those days are gone for me. It's kind of sad and lonely but I deal with it by trying to just push any thoughts about wanting to meet somebody right to the back of my head. There's no point thinking about meeting somebody when it's not a possibility. I should get off this thread in actual fact.
Bye.

TheConstantGardener · 08/11/2011 12:49

I suspect that with kids then many of us are unable to go out of an evening on a regular basis and that means lone parents can be less likely to meet partners. I know for me that as a single Dad I get out once a week if I am lucky so it sort of mitigates against romance! (Plus I often feel to knackered to go out!)

There's bound to be nice guys out there, probably just a case of meeting them.

happybubblebrain · 08/11/2011 12:56

BertieBotts - less than 3% without a doubt. Why would I need to take a course because men are selfish arseholes? Its not my problem, and I'm perfectly happy without them. Anyway, what is a WA Freedom Course?

Even if nice men did exist I still wouldn't want one because I don't have time for one/enjoy my own company and the company of my friends/enjoy my independance/don't need one/enjoy my freedom/can't be bothered with sex at my age.

MrGin · 08/11/2011 13:24

BertieBotts - less than 3% without a doubt.

What are you omnipotent ?

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