Lone parents/Parentline plus/CAB all closed over new year...please can anyone help?

[Chocol8]

I divorced my xh 2 years ago and my ds is 8. Ds has Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD, but xh refuses to believe his diagnosis.
Ds is very hard work, never stops talking and self harms regularly. 4 months ago, against my better judgement I asked xh to have ds for a bit longer on a Saturday as I was ill and under alot of stress. He agreed to take him overnight once a month with an extra (oooh!) half an hour longer on a Saturday. Ds has stayed a total of 3 nights at his dads.

A month ago, xh was ill for 2 weeks, then the 3rd week (weekend before Christmas week) ds was ill so xh said he would not have him (even though doctor had said it would be ok if he didn't breathe on his half-sister). My xh agreed via phone to having him Christmas eve all day, so that I could go and buy ds his main present.
I texted him last Friday to ask what time he would be picking ds up. He said "at the usual time", and I reminded him that he said all day and that I hadn't had time to get his present as I had had ds for 3 weeks.

His reply text said: "Are you complaining about spending time with your son?!".
I called and spoke calmly to him and said that what he had texted was awful and evil. He said "oh for God's sake" and cut me off.
He came round at 12 the next day and I asked him what had gone on the next day. Basically we kicked off and I spoke to his girlfriend saying that I knew he had put the phone down and said that I had been swearing (which I had definitely not). Xh then told her that I had been "ranting". I said that because of what he had said he could not have ds overnight in future, to which he replied that I could not change the rules.

I heard nothing else til yesterday and said that because I wouldn't let him have ds overnight, he was moving the goalposts further apart and would now only see ds once every fortnight, and have him once a month overnight.
I have been upset over this and just after I got the text ds started self harming again (not linked, just unfortunate timing).

If I let xh have ds next week as he is demanding, 1 it means that I have to explain to ds that he will not be going to see his dad, which will really upset him, and 2, when I don't pack an overnight bag for him, I know he will keep him all night anyway, which again, will really disturb ds as he will not have his things with him - pj's, teddies, games etc.

At the moment, all I would like to do is move far far away and not allow any access, but this is impossible. Do I have any other choices? I want to get the arrangement in writing (from solicitors) and him to agree it, but not sure he will do this.

Xh is a heavy drinker and extremely manipulative and I feel sorry for his girlfriend who is the 4th different mother of his children.

I agree with trying to get this arrangement in writing through solicitors.

Not much advise here but I do hope all goes very well for you and your son.

Don't allow xh to manipulate you, you are mum and you know what your son needs best.

Not saying dads don't but in this case it appears to be a game with xh, bring him down a bit and you call the shots for your sons best interest

I don't really understand about next week's arrangements, but the helplines should all be up and open next week. I agree you need to get the arrangement formalised and have it recognised that things like your DS's teddies etc., need to be included in overnight stays for his own sense of security.

If your xh still won't co-operate, make sure you keep a diary of his lack of co-operation, log any drunken episodes, and just deny contact. Let him take you to court for it. Let him explain to a court why he refuses to believe a diagnosis made by medical experts, and take that diagnosis into account when dealing with his DS.

Thank you for your advice - can I deny access without it being a real big mess? If it goes that far, can the court bring that up against me?

I am unsure as to whether by "next Saturday" he means tomorrow or the Saturday after, however we will not be at the usual meeting place until this is agreed in writing.

Do you think I should text him and tell him that or just not turn up?
I kept a diary of happenings, visits and texts last year and it makes very interesting reading, however I didn't really think that it would have to be used to prove what a control freak he is.

I explained to ds that his dad wants to have him every other week and what did he think of it.
Ds said that if he didn't see him, his dad would not like him anymore...! Of course I explained that his dad would always love him no matter what, but when xh is using my ds as a weapon like this, even I question his love for his son.
He knows just how to press my buttons, by changing things with my ds - but his button is money, it always has been. It would be a good idea for him to take me to court, I paid for the childcare arrangements during our divorce and it cost me twice what it cost me to divorce the pig.

I feel at a loss as to what to do. Everyone knows what a manipulating controller he is - very good with mental and physical abuse, but turns on the charm when he needs it.

ive disallowed access to my 14month old sons father because of a aggressive verbal outburst, this was 3 weeks ago and im so relaxed knowing hes not coming round. i know itl go back to court for him to have access but at the moment im thinking of myself, my little one and my elder one and the fact that access in our home was not working so something else will have to be sorted. personally i wouldnt trust your ex h with your son, especially as he has special needs that your ex isnt recognising, wot a pratt.i would stop him seeing him until its written in a contract by the courts. can a family member give you a break from your son. i know how hard it is, i beg my mum to have mine to give me break, i had 3 hours yesterday and it was lovely. i work with kids with asperger and adhd so i can fully understand why you need a break, lovely children but very demanding and tiresome.xx

Thank you 7777777 - will your ds's father take you to court for access? How did he take it when he heard he could no longer see your ds?

I will have to inform school as he may get it into his head that he can just take my ds.

choc, court is not bad, court is good. they are sensible people and will make a common sense decision about when your x sees ds. if he doesnt stick to the court order you can go back and complain about him. i dont know how i would have coped with my xps antics without a court order. yes he can bring it up against you if you deny him access, but if you have a sensible reason they probably wont hold it against you. tbh i would stop worrying so much about this week and next week and get things sorted out long term. i know solicitors are expensive, but they are worth every penny if you get things sorted. good luck, i really feel for you. horrid situation to be in (believe me i know)

ex took me to court originally, we split when i was 4 months pregnant, for access it took a year, he started seeing son in october which lasted 7 weeks until the outburst 3 wks ago when i told him to leave my home and that id go back to solicitor because of his itimidating behaviour. he has never apologised and i havent had a sols letter as yet, i am expecting one. im not worried as like gigglegoblin says i had good reason to stop him coming to my home. p.s after a years of court letters etc he decided to "grow up" and discuss access with me so we decided without the courts although apparently he went there and got it all confirmed but ive never received anything in writing, courts are REALLY slow. in a real world id rather he let us get on with it and left us alone but hes a cocky, pompous, spoilt twat who mummy and daddy pay his solicitors fees for him.get a solicitor and legal aid.x