Is it unusual for an ex-partner to stay at your home when visiting children?

[waitingfornaru]

Just curious, how many of you whose partner now lives at least 200 miles away allow him to stay in your home when visiting his children compared to how many stay at a hotel/similar? Given that this distance isn't feasible for a daytrip visit to see children on a regular basis. Just wondering how unusual I am in letting the children's father stay with us for 1 or more weeks at a time rather than in a Travelodge, which he could probably afford at a push, but certainly not regularly, perhaps 2 or visits a year.

I think it is unusual but my ex stayed overnight sometimes even when he wasn't living that far away.

It's a case of the lesser of all evils. The possible alternatives to staying with you would be for the children to stay at his for long weekends or holidays and sharing travel say every 6 weeks or so, or a reduction in child support to help cover expenses related to contact.

One of my neighbours does this, but she (my neighbour) stays elsewhere, leaving her ex to stay in the house and look after the children for the weekend. It seems to work out quite well for them.

hello had to comment as my little boys dad did stay the odd saturday eve as it seemed the easy thing to do. We have now decided this isnt the way forward and my little boy was getting very confused and even thought we were getting back together. I think your home should be kept seperate from any arrangements your have with an ex seeing your child as from my experience it confuses things.

It depends on your relationship with XP - if he's an OK bloke who just didn't suit you as a partner then I don't see anything wrong with it. My DS' dad frequently stays over when looking after DS (though in our case we were not a couple when DS was conceieved, are long standing old pals who get on fine).

My XH lives miles away and he has done a combination of hotel and staying at my house. Initially he always stayed at a hotel but at the moment he stays at the house for weekend visits and I stay elsewhere. For me I have found that this works best because I find him difficult to be around and want to see him as little as possible. I had to see way too much of him when I was staying at the house and he was in a hotel as he's here first thing in the morning until the dc are in bed. They do go out together obviously but because of the age of our dc (under 3) it is not practical for them to always be out all day. I know it is not ideal having him in my home and it does feel like an invasion but overall I think it has been best for our dc so far. As the dc get older though I would prefer him to go and stay somewhere with them. I suggested this recently however and XH said that if he had to do this, then he wouldn't visit the dc at all!

XH lives 190miles away and stays at a B&B locally when he comes to visit. For stays of a week, he travels down and takes the boys back to his home. A long day of travelling for him, but he does it all by train so he can get work done on the journey down. For weekends, he takes the boys back to the B&B.

It was XH who moved away from the area so I expect him to do the travelling/pay for a hotel. He moved for a better paid job, so he can easily afford it. I think it's better for us to have clear boundaries this way and I think it would be confusing for the boys if he had spent a lot of time in our house. I personally would find it intrusive to have him around as well, especially as I have a new partner living with us now.

Do you have a partner OP? I think it could be difficult to establish a relationship in your circumstances, it could be very awkward when/if a partner moves in. DP would certainly not be happy if XH was spending the night here.

I do think it depends on relations between you and I don't know why you separated. I think for me it would be a barrier to me 'moving on' simply because his presence would get me down! My exH has moved 2 hours away and because I am now very isolated I'm moving towards my family which will make the journey 3 hours. My 2 year old DD will be beginning fortnightly staying visits with him soon. He will come to collect her, take her back to his and then return her at the end of the weekend. I'm nervous as hell about this but can't really see an alternative if he is to have quality time with her dinner time/bathtime/bedtime. We'll have to see how it goes - does anyone else here have a similar arrangement to this?

I can see it being very problematic with XPs who are abusive and controlling, and if you've got one of them it's fine to insist that he stays out of your house and sees DC elsewhere. And it's fine, even if you have previously allowed him to stay but are sick of his snarky comments/snooping through your underwear drawer/trying to pressure you to resume the relationship, to put a stop to him visiting your home.

It might be 'unusual', but I don't think that makes it right or wrong particularly- it depends what works for you. My nice ex stays over (we even did christmases together though now he's sometimes going to new gf's parents for christmas). My arsehole ex I would never allow to stay over since he made me hugely stressed and depressed when I let him spend more than minimal time with me- he's getting slightly better with therapy, but I won't allow someone to stay in my house who's going to be rude and controlling, whether they're the father of my child or not. You have to decide based on what's going to work for you, both practically and emotionally.

A tricky situation, my x stays in a b&b but is in the house most of the time during visits as our dc are v young. Sometimes I go away and he moves in or if he is staying for more than a few days he gets a sc flat and the kids go to him.

He was v argumentative and would throw tantrums at the drop of a hat until i told him v camly that he would not get over my door if he created conflict in my home. It has improved. He needed to be told that putting his feet up on my coffee table and opening wine while the kids were up was pushing it a bit. Every situation is different so i suppose you have to find the solution which works for you and your dc.