Logistics of dating as a lone parent. No spontaneity, surely?

[waitingfornaru]

Haven't dated since leaving children's father and now with a 4.5 and 2.5 year old (one school, one at home..not old enough for free nursery til he's 3) I'm wondering at the logistics of dating...

I'm not working and I do have family close by who can babysit and the man I would ideally be interested in (whether he's interested in me is another matter however!)is self-employed so has flexible hours, but a part of me thinks it's just cheeky to ask them to babysit specifically so I can go out dating.

When you're a lone parent, is there no spontaneity at all?
Those long, lazy lie-ins on a sunday after a night out with a man just won't happen, will they? Or when he's at your house and the kids are running round and you just have those moments where you want to disappear upstairs for an indefinate amount of time - can hardly ring someone up to babysit for an hour!

How can dating progress when you might only see eachother once a week, perhaps twice, but then you have to leave eachother on the doorstep to get back inside to the babysitter!

I suppose he can come round and once the children are in bed, can snuggle up on the sofa and watch some telly, but things like going out spontaneously to places/events not really suitable for young children, those sort of dates, do they just not happen??

Am I just being really selfish and because I'm a lone parent, really I should just give up on the idea of dating again at least until the children are both older, both school age at least.

Can anyone give me their experiences of being a lone parent to pre-school or young children and how they fitted in dating!? Thanks so much :)

Hi there can't give any advice as only just divorced from exH recently and the thought of getting back out there dating fills me with dread at the moment, but will be in similar situation to you, so will watch this thread with interest

Susiedaisy there's never much traffic on this Lone Parents thread (where are all the lone parents, they don't seem to be here on Mumsnet!) so I might repost in the general Parenting.

Or even Gingerbread, they must have forums.

Mmm i did think to mention that but didnt want to sound bossy!

I've been on my own for nearly 3 years now and dating is the last thing on my mind (for practical reasons, part of me would bloody love to be in a relationship again). The kids are nearly 5 and 3yrs old now

The logistics make it impossible for a start as I'm either at work or with the kids, no weekends off . I reckon I'll have window of a few years before they are teenagers when I have a chance of meeting someone, other then that I'll have to wait until they are a lot older.

when I first split up with my dp after about used to online date and get a babysitter for nights out - I had quite a few fun nights out with a babysitter at home and then could be a bit more spontaneous at the weekends my dcs were with their dad.

Last year I met my lovely lovely dp - after about a couple of months of seeing him on alternate weekends and an evening in the week he met the dcs and was happy to do child related things on Saturdays and Sundays , although I'm sure he is secretly delighted when its their bedtime! We've fallen into a routine of seeing each other a couple of times a week and at the weekends from Sat morning until sunday. I still get a sitter though about once a week so we can go out and just be a couple - it's not exactly wildly spontaneous but that's the way it is and it's fine. I have a lot of time alone with the dcs and so feel I can enjoy them and then just when I'm craving some adult company I see him

I think if you meet someone and like each other enough anything is possible, although for me it is a lot easier to spend time alone with each other as my exdp sees the dcs on alternate weekends. Initially I felt very worried that my dp would find the dcs too much but actually I think he gains a lot of pleasure from helping me (simple, silly things that mean a lot to me, like checking the fire alarms,emptying the bins, arriving with shopping , putting up the odd shelf, taking us all off for a meal etc etc) and being part of family life with all its up and downs.

I'm not sure if either of us could cope with his living with us full time but I'm really happy with the way things are now

I suppose I'm saying that spontaneity is difficult but not impossible but once your partner accepts that you can't be spontaneous because you have young dcs you just find other ways of having a relationship that works.

That sounds like a good balance zoo

I meant zoo

I think I've been fairly spontaneous when I've been dating as a LP (am in LTR now with DP). I'll generally see someone a couple of times a week if I'm actively dating them - I probably wouldn't want to see them more than that anyway as I do other things during the week (evening classes, gym, hobbies at home).

I'm fortunate in that I live close to my family and they're happy to help out with babysitting. I don't think it's at all cheeky to ask them to help out - I used to see it as part of the social activities needed keep me sane, and hopefully would develop into something which would build a more stable future life for DS. My parents would have DS regularly overnight once a week, so we did get lazy lie-ins. If your family are happy to do it, don't be afraid to ask - it isn't selfish at all and in the long term could benefit you and your DC.

My relationships were never as spontaneous as some couples though, e.g. my friends relationship where their boyfriends ring the same afternoon asking to go out for a drink that evening, or they spend six evenings a week together. But in a way that was probably a blessing, because I think men can take you for granted if you're too available. I think the fact that it was harder work to date me as a LP meant that I didn't have to deal with a lot of time-wasters as they would have lost interest pretty quickly.

Forgot to mention, the children never see their father unless he comes here to visit and stays for a week or so with us, he lives 200 miles away, too far for weekend trips or having them stay, not that he could anyway he has er, unusual living arrangements!

that must be hard work for you waitingfornaru; my exdp is awful but at least he sees the dcs religiously which gives me a break.

I personally feel it is too much of a minefield to contemplate et the moment, I have enough on with work & the kids but you never know what's round the corner.

Why shouldn't you ask people to babysit so you can date? Presumably they get to spend time with their partners, why should you have to put up without any adult time just because you have suffered a relationship breakdown?!

I got some action (ha! ) when DCs were small but it was mainly based around half term when my mum would have them overnight for a couple of nights. My DCs have got different dads (and DS never saw hers) so juggling childcare was interesting.
Sometimes if a boyfriend stayed over, I'd put him on the sofabed so that the kids wouldn't find him in my bed if they wandered in in the night.
I think in a way it was easier when they were small and couldn't read the look on my face in the mornings - as DD got older she got wiser too!
Although I've had a few boyfriends, I must say I have never lived with anyone since splitting with DS's dad. No one has quite come up to the mark. By the way I don't mean XDP's mark, oh no, I just mean not good enough for me and my DCs.

I don't think it's cheeky to ask your parents to sit. They might enjoy having some quality time with the kids, and maybe be glad to see you get out and meet people. Tough if they're your only source of babysitting though - could you afford a teenager to sit once a week or so? Or other friends that you could ask?

Split up with my ex 8 years ago, and dated for 6 of those - the last 18 months I've been with new bloke I met though a dating site. Would definitely recommend those as a way of meeting people that you can start off with from your home without having to find a sitter! But other ways of improving your social life are good too.

I've had a few short relationships in the time (few months each) and did generally have them round to mine fairly early on, to saving finding a sitter. Some people are very unsure about introducing DCs to a new partner so early on, but at the age your DCs are they won't have any concept of a boyfriend, and if you can get them off to bed fairly early you can have a bit of an adult night in (DVD, meal, etc) without them being too intrusive.

Your post suggests you feel a bit guilty that you should be thinking of it, but why not? Your DCs are young, you don't need to spend the rest of their childhood alone if you don't want to. And it can be fun just getting out and meeting people (and good for your self-esteem) even if it does take time to find Mr Right. Good luck!