Staying visits with ex when he lives far away

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Does anyone have experience of arranging staying visits with exes, for their very young DC (my DD is 2)? Ex has moved 3 hours away by car and weekend-long staying visits are inevitable in the near future. Any tips on managing the practicalities and emotions of this would be really appreciated. We are on cordial terms but I don't trust him as a person. He was leading pretty much a double life of internet dating and escorts for a few months before we separated and also revealed there had been several infidelities since we first met 5 years ago. He's very selfish and although I believe he cares for our daughter, I know he'll always put his needs before everyone else's. Our divorce is nearly through and I'm trying to look to our future. I am resident parent but he has the usual visiting rights. Any tips on dealing with the situation and making it as smooth and pleasurable as possible for DD.

do you mean he's gonna stay at your home? why can't he stay at the local travelodge

Sorry I didn't explain fully. He will be picking her up and taking her back to his house for the weekend. He has no base close to where we live. He has been coming to see her every Sunday and half of the time he has been driving ALL the way back to his house for a few hours and returning with her in the evening... which is crazy. Staying visits every fortnight is what the courts expect us to do. I know as she gets older and has birthday parties etc, she'll tell him herself that she doesn't want to traipse up the motorway and he'll be forced to spend the time down south somehow. But until then she'll be staying at his new house.

I'll be interested in responses to this too...DP has a daughter of nearly 3 and we live 250 miles away. He keeps a car at the airport car park, flies up every other weekend and stays in a hotel. There's no way he would expect her to spend hours and hours in the car every other week. We hope that she will be able to stay with us when she comes for longer periods in school holidays. He would happily have a twin room and she can stay in the hotel too (she spends loads of time in the pool and often eats there) but her mum isn't keen on the idea.

I speak as a NRP who lives around 1:30 hours away from my 3 year old dd and her mum.

Practically, being separated with kids is obviously not ideal, and it results in inconvenience for the child. A sad fact.

For dd, in my opinion it works better if she's down at mine for a decent amount of time. I pick her up on a Saturday morning and bring her back on a Monday lunchtime. DD at least has time to settle then. And my XP makes sure there aren't any classes on Monday am.

Your XP driving to-and-fro in the same day sounds awful. It may end up him having longer , less frequent visits when she's older.

If I drive with dd she tends to nod off for an hour or so which is great until she wakes up and decides she wants to get out. Hence it's well worth while having a mid journey stop planned. a park usually works.

Mostly though I get the train with her. A few books, crayons, packed lunch etc usually gives us enough to do. And my dd loves being around people so she gets a chance to turn on the charm.

Emotionally, for your dd, your enthusiasm and reassurance for her visit to dad's is pretty key IMO. If you're anxious about it she will be too. The first overnight my dd had at mine her mum came along too. After that mum stayed at home. The first couple of visits involved a bit more reassurance and hugs, but after that she was / is fine. She knows she'll be going home to mums, and she loves it at mine.

As for birthday parties and such. I think the crux of those is how well you get on with your XP and how flexible you both are. My dd had a b'day party to go to recently on one of my weekends with her. I didn't want her to miss it so I visited her at her mums that weekend so that she could toddle along. However if my XP wasn't open to making more time for me to have with DD I'd be much less relaxed about it. And at some point I'm sure she'll miss the odd b'day party when they ramp up in number.

My XP, and a lot of others, appreciate the time they get to themselves.

good luck !

I really really value you sharing your experience with this MrGin. I'm trying to encourage ex to use the train regularly when the time comes as it will be quicker and more interesting for DD. But he's reluctant because of the cost. I'd never prevent him from seeing her but it will never be appropriate for him to spend time in my home with her. He was leading somewhat of a double life before we separated and is a complex and toxic character in terms of his adult relationships, so it would be unwise to let him into my personal life/space in the future and that needs to be a rule I stick to. So there may be times when he has her to stay at a nearby hotel with her (if weather v bad for example), but I think she'd find that fun maybe. I'm happy and able to be extremely enthusiastic regarding her trips to stay with daddy as I find it natural to do whatever is best for her and I'd never come between them. This is somewhat of a detail, but was your DD already potty trained by the time you started doing the journeys with her? My DD is still in nappies for now but I worry about the potty training/desperate for a wee quick scenario and that being a source of discomfort for her on the long journeys - any tips?

re : potty training.

She was just about potty trained yes. That of course doesn't mean that she doesn't have the odd accident of course. But so far, touch wood, no accidents on public transport yet. She did pee all over my cherished sports car with a massive grin a few months ago but that's another story.

I was at one point slipping a pair of pull-ups before a car journey just in case but she never pee'd in them.

On the train ( or anywhere these days ) her mum suggested any journey is proceeded by putting dd on the potty before we leave, even if she doesn't want a wee. That helps, as does not filling her up with liquids before any journey.

I always travel with a spare set of clothes and a nappy. I've used the nappy once when she wanted the loo quickly ( put it on when on train ) . Unfortunately she did a poo and was quite upset to do it in her nappy. Poor thing. But thankfully we got off at the next stop and did a clean up in the station loo and she was right as rain.

Other than that one time, she has managed to hold on bless her. If she was in real discomfort now for a pee, I'd get off at the next station and find the nearest loo or flower pot. Her mum has a travel potty, but I find it too bulky to carry around with everything else.

I think all you can do really is try and minimise the changes of her wanting a pee, and being well prepared if she does.

Thanks again these are all good tips. I guess it's all about making the best of a difficult situation and making the whole thing feel like a special fun treat that other children don't get! Hopefully this time next year it will feel 'normal' for all three of us.

I think he's shown a good level of commitment if he's been coming to collect her and take her to his every Sunday, and extending this to longer stays would be sensible and IMO better for her. MrGin is right, longer visits work much better and are a much more "normal" contact. It gives them days when they can just be with each other without having to go anywhere or do anything - he can be putting her to bed, he can be having breakfast with her, all sorts.

And I'm not sure that as she grows older she will be asking not to go - it took my dsd until she was around 15 to start wanting to be with her friends rather that come to us.

I think you should leave it up to him how he manages the journey, unless he's asking what you think. I'd think I'd prefer to drive a journey like that, rather than rely on public transport - she can sleep on a car journey, he can stop whenever he likes, there are no delays or cancellations. But it's really his choice how he manages getting to see her and what happens while she's with him. They way I look at it (in terms of my dd going to her Dad's) is that it's his time with her, what he does is down to him and if he's struggling with something he can always ask.

You're right, thank you for sharing your experience. It's so hard when I've always been the one organising everything, to now let go. But even though i don't trust him from a personal point of view, I do think he's fine at taking care of her (and cafcass agreed after all). And she loves him. So I need to let go and make the most of my time off when I have it!