How do you deal with your ex sharing too much information with your kids?

[ThisIsExtremelyVeryNotGood]

Do you try and give them facts, or cover up for your ex so they don't think badly of him?

I am very factual about some things - episodes where police have been involved that DS has witnessed, but a bit more vague about things that happened between us as a couple. DS is only 5 though.

For example - Daddy can't take you out because the police took his car away because he didn't have the right papers. That's why the police brought you back to mummy because you know we have to have the right papers to drive a car.

but... Mummy doesn't live with daddy any more because sometimes people can't be good friends and then it's best if they play seperately so they don't argue or get cross with each other.

I specifically don't mention anything about violence/alcohol/other women etc etc etc!!

Always cover up, always. They'll find out the truth in time and when they do they'll have way more respect for you for allowing them to do so themself.

i hthink they wont appreciate being lied to if that is what you doing...but you can omit details.

depends what the facts are; how old Dc and so on.

tell truth but enough to their level.

if they four and five they dont need to know details of eg "daddy went with prostitutes" do they?
but other things - well yes maybe they should be told enough.

you shouldnt make him out to be a hero if he isnt.

if he ahs left to lvie with someone else - well say so, simply, factually.

and if they saw daddy verbally abuse mummy but you try and dismiss it, it wont help them to grow up not doing that.

all depends what the truth is doesnt it?

He lives quite far away (at his choice) and said to one of the kids that he can't visit until Mummy and Daddy talk nicely to each other. In the end I told my DS that Mummy and Daddy couldn't agree on how often Daddy should visit (I think more, he thinks less) and that's what Daddy meant. I couldn't lie to my DS but at the same time I'm feeling really guilty because it feels like I've told him information he didn't need to know, iyswim?

Sounds like you've done the right thing.

cestlavie is right, if there is abuse that the children have witnessed they need to know that is unacceptable. But anything else I do think that it is better for kids to beleive their Daddy loves them to the moon and back and is a hero. They'll find out for themselves if he's not and from my own experience they will admire you from not trying to get them to take sides.

I would disagree berkshire just from personal experience. My mum was always very careful to reiterate that Daddy loved us etc even if he wasn't around much, and I think it skewed my idea of what "love" was and what men were like in general. I think if I'd have had more of a model of "this is what men are like" which didn't revolve around my dad I would have had higher expectations and a better relationship model.

I haven't been able to keep all the facts from my daughter about why I split from her father. He was violent and my pride and anger at what he did to me overcomes me sometimes and I have told her the bare bones of what he did.

She loves her dad though and he is good to her. I have always told her that it doesn't matter what I think of her dad - it only matters what she thinks of him.I split up with him when I was pregnant and they have kept up their relationship for 12 years - seeing each other every week.

I admire women that manage to cover up for their XP's but I was never going to be able to do that - 12 years is a long time to keep silent.

So difficult. Have given DS info I'd have preferred to keep private, but only in response to situations triggered by Himself. I left DS's Dad 12 years ago and we have tried to be VER VER civilised - he stays with us for access visits etc.

UNTIL - DH pinned DS's dad (61) up against kitchen wall during my 50th birthday earlier this year, after he was v.v. offensive to my childhood sweetheart (aged 56) - (not DH) . It was 4.00am. And Some Strong Drink had been taken been taken by all concerned. DS had retired to bed many hours earlier, but we still had to explain why his dad wasn't around for breakfast. He'd got the first train out of town.

We are not Jeremy Kyle peeps. Really. We are actually incredibly posh. Most of the time.

My ex is more likely to share too little info. He doesn't like to deal with grown up stuff like explaining to DS that his Granny is dead or why Daddy no longer lives with his partner. Poor DS (6 yrs) has loads of questions which I can only suggest he asks Daddy about! I try to answer questions as factually as possible but not including details he doesn't need to know about.

I always believe in telling them the truth about things affecting their lives but to a level which suits their age.... no point in confusing them. I would also be led by their questions rather than bringing the subject up yourself.
Always keep it factual though and not giving your opinions. If they ask a question you don't know the answer to, then say so also.

I agree, tell the truth as is appropriate for their age, and don't slag off the ex!
My ex seems intent on telling DD1 (6) too much about things she doesn't need to know about - financial stuff, and stuff about her elder brother (not his DC), and then she comes home accusing me or DS of doing something to make daddy cross. I give facts from my perspective, about things that I don't think she should be concerning herself with and certainly would't have told her otherwise, trying hard not to diss ExP at the same time... Which invariably ends up with a snotty email from him telling me to stop damaging his relationship with DD1 anyway....
it is difficult, but at the end of the day the kids will make their own minds up, I aiming to be fair, and hoping they appreciate it when they are grown ups!