Hi all, Piratecat here. I could do with some handholding and support if you can.

[piratecaaaaaaaaaghhht]

It's a long time since i posted in this section. I am still a lone parent, but things had settled down the last couple of years, since I stopped communication with my ex dh.

The reason being, after 3 years of him making no effort, and letting dd down, her going thru counseling, stress, many related stressful health problems I decided, very reluctantly to change our numbers. I did it because the mere ringing of the phone sent dd into a panic. I thought, if he wants to make an effort, he can write.

He never did. Yet I heard thru the grapevine he was so down he had a breakdown. So upset at her not wanting to see him that he gave up. Yet the whole time since he left he never tried, in any manner, and there fore she lost trust in him over and over, This was from age 4.

I just cannot understand why, if he's been that upset he can't come to the realisation he has to change?

I haven't wanted to post on here for a long time as i said, but on a thread about single parents, i posted a ranty post, and realised it would be much better to leave the thread, and start my own!!

WHY can't they change? Adapt? My ex, recently let my dd down again, after she hadn't seen him for 2 yrs. She extended the olive branch once more, but he reverted to type within 3 days of her trusting him again.

She was devastated, and said she wanted to go to heaven.

So, my job is to repair, compensate, and a millions and one other things, on top of the normal day to day stuff. Yet he can wallow in life's unfairness, pay us nothing, go out, study, and say he can't change, but still expect his dd to forgive him, AND he won't talk about whats been happening the last 6 years. All the hurt and let down. He refuses to talk about it, becuase he says it hurts him too much.

OH MY GOD.

my dd is only 9 years old and her whole life has been one long heartache.

Yes it's unfair and heartbreaking and devastating. I feel at times like saying ok we are here, we get on with the situation as best we can and move on because you have to as children grow and develop - maybe that is why women find changing easier because they can't stay the same but go from breast-feeder, nappy changer to entertainer, educator, adviser, good friend and landlady and eventually (hopefully) to grandmother.
I was asking RL friend about this one as they'd had an ex who just did the out of the blue visits with big presents stuff. In the end she and DD sat down, discussed effect of ex in DD's life, want DD wanted and whether she was likely to get it. Came to conclusion that he was never, ever going to give her the stability DD needed in a Dad so DD wrote the equivalent of a Dear John letter to Dad, sent it and all seems to be much more settled. Encourage DD to keep a scrapbook/diary about herself so that if he does reappear and has solved his demons then she can tell him about her life and what she was doing all those years?

That was really brave about her dd. These kids are so brave.

You're right, I feel I have grown, had to change. He's chosen to behave this way, and thats his choice. It's the fact that he has admitted he is so hurt, or has hurt himself, yet still won't give dd any explanations, or at least try to say, 'I don't have an explanation, but I will try to understand what I've done to you'

It would take so little, to gain so much. He won't do it.

Last time I was in court my barrister phrased it very well - the vast majority of resident parents just want an order that gets the non-resident to be a half-way decent parent.

Some parents are just too selfish to see or really care what effect their behaviour has on their children. By the sound of your posts, he's far far too wrapped up in himself, and that any effect that his behaviour has had or will have on DD is only ever going to be about him - how bad he feels about it, how upset he is about it, etc, etc, etc...

One shred of comfort may be that depression is a very selfish illness and it could take a while for him to actually get to think about anyone but himself?
It may come in time, but it may not. Perhaps he is just selfish and the depression/breakdown is not going to make a jot of difference? Protect yourself and your DD. If he's a loser then she needs you and you will show yourself to be strong and a great role model for a woman and as she grows she'll know you were there for her. One decent parent is enough

Sound advice both.

It was so calm without him in our lives, but as dd explained to me she was still miserable without him, good or bad.

It's taken me by surprise that he hasn't actually thought how he can improve this. I thought for once it might be the breakthrough.

Dd did too, so guiding thru this has been very tough, poor love. Yet I am doing my best to inspire confidence in her, i have explained that he has nothing to give that will be of any benefit to her, until he has more of a grip on life.

I have suffered and fought depression my whole life, and he was there for me, yet I have little compassion for him. I guess he's wrung it out of me. He left in a puff of smoke, with no talking or explanation, and i believe those very same problems are there still.

He is married again and is a step father, so it's not like he doesn't experience children. Yet maybe becuase they aren't his, he doesn't really have to put proper effort in.

He sat here, on the 2nd meeting and admitted his selfishness, and said with a shrug, 'thats me, i cant change'.

in front of dd.

like i said on the other thread, I feel its like a fairy tale that went wrong.

We were very much in love and happy, then he lost it and left. I feel like he's been punishing me thru dd, and punishing dd thru his hatred of 'me'. tho i do believe its not me that he should be blaming, and altho i was devastated when he left for yrs, i knew there was something wrong with him.

Life is so short for self pitying crap that basically ruins your child.

Big hugs pirate ,i am in a similar situation.2yr split ,he walked after 16 yrs together.visits since r sporadic,no contact or maintenance for 3 mths.not answered any sols letters this year.living life of a teenager.so sad for kids .but all his choice.lied about his life for 18 mths so not a clean split for me.i look after me and my 2 kids now,he is a stranger,he made his choices x